‘The plague is to show me where the diadem hides,’ he said, ‘and I am to retrieve it and take it back for the Devil.’
I remembered Raife’s preoccupation about how far and to where the plague had spread. All his maps.
I remembered how he had worried so that his love for me might deflect him from his purpose. Then, I had thought it the usual aristocratic ambition, but now …
And that time so recently, when I was to undergo the ordeal, and Raife had said that I knew not the power he commanded that he could bring to bear to save me.
So many things, that I had misinterpreted at the time in my innocence. Sweet Jesu, the signs had been there all along that Raife was no true man!
‘You come from hell?’ I said, my voice not working as it should. ‘Are you … an imp?’
‘No. I am a man. A sinner sent to hell for my misdeeds. Over the centuries I have worked my way to being the Devil’s most trusted lieutenant. Maeb … please trust me.’
‘Trust you? Trust you?’ Then the import of what he’d said a moment earlier sunk in. ‘You married me because you thought I had the diadem? Is that why?’
Is that the only reason he took me to wife, because he thought I had the diadem?
Pain and hurt knifed through me, so deep, so sharp, I once more found it difficult to breathe. All those sweet words. Lies. All those tender kisses and caresses. Pretence.
Sweet Jesu … sweet Jesu … sweet Jesu …
He dropped down on his knees before me, grabbing at my hands. ‘No! I married you because I loved you, Maeb. What the Templars said was as new to me as it was to you. I had no idea, oh God, Maeb, I have never loved any as I love you. Trust me, please, God, please!’
‘You hated me the moment you saw me! You always have!’
‘Do you want to know why I snarled at you in that damned, damned dirt hole of Alaric’s? Do you? It was because I had just walked to that door, and I had seen the way Stephen looked at you and you at him. God, I was jealous beyond redemption —’
‘You are far beyond any redemption!’
‘This is God’s truth, Maeb, nothing else! I had loved you from the instant I first set eyes on you. All I had wanted was you!’
‘And thus you set your entire family to die so that you could have me?’
‘No! No! The Devil was supposed to spare my family. I had asked it of him and he had agreed. Oh God, Maeb, I love you, I loved my children, I wanted to see none of you die. I had truly thought you would all be safe at Pengraic! I could not believe he’d set the plague on them. Maeb, Maeb, I have done nothing but love you from the moment I first beheld you.’
‘Get away from me.’
‘Maeb —’
‘Get away from me!’
‘Maeb, you promised you would trust me. I ask you to keep that promise now.’
‘I shall keep no promise to the Devil’s spawn. Get away from me!’ I said that last on a rising shriek, and he let go my hands and stood.
I noticed that he was shaking, too, and I thought it because he feared I might reveal him to all.
But how could I do that? How could I walk out that door and reveal that I had taken the Devil’s servant to my bed, that I was carrying his child? Accusations of witchcraft would again be raised, and this time people would believe them.
Everyone would think that I had survived that ordeal through the Devil’s graces, not God’s.
I would be burned. Not even Edmond could save me.
Not even Edmond would want to save me.
And all for this ‘man’ who had betrayed me in the worst possible way. ‘Get away from me,’ I whispered. I felt sickened, tainted, my belly filled with vileness.
I had loved this man. I had given him everything I was without question, without any price.
And look now what wickedness and depravity he returned to me.
Chapter Two
I returned to our privy chamber, not answering Isouda when she lifted her head and remarked that I had been a long time in the privy and was I well? I am not too sure how I managed to get back to that chamber on my own legs, nor when precisely Raife let me go. I know he pleaded with me to trust him (how could I?) and to keep silent (how could I not?).
To be honest, I did not even know how I continued to breathe.
My husband. Servant of the Devil. Come to earth from hell. Here to do the Devil’s work.
And I tied to him as wife. My fate tied to him. I could no more plead for help from an ecclesiastic or noble than I could command the sun from the sky. No one would believe I had not also been in league with Raife, particularly not after all the seeds of doubt Henry planted in people’s minds, nor after my miraculous ordeal.
Sweet Jesu, one way or another he would drag me to hell along with him. And he wanted me to trust him?
I don’t know where Raife went after that terrible time in the storage chamber. Maybe he went to weep on the imp’s shoulder. I don’t know. I didn’t care.
I sat in the dark in our privy chamber, shaking with fear and cold and shock, not knowing what to do.
At dawn, Isouda and Gytha came in, and rushed to my side, no doubt seeing from my face that I was not well.
‘My lady!’ cried Isouda. ‘What ails you?’
‘I am not well.’
‘My lady? Should we call the midwife?’
I gave a shake of my head. ‘I have had the most terrible nightmare,’ I said. ‘It almost seemed real.’
Isouda hugged me — she was not one to hide her emotions. ‘Then we shall see you washed and dressed and set to rights with the morning sun,’ she said.
If only, I thought. If only the morning sun could set all to rights.
She chatted over me as she aided me to wash and garb myself, Gytha, silent as always, attending to my hair.
I did not know what to do with my day. It was if my entire life had come to a halt and I could not see what step to take next.
Raife walked into the chamber just as I was dressed and sitting again, staring vaguely into the chamber, trying to think what I needed to do.
‘Leave us,’ he said to Isouda and Gytha.
‘Stay,’ I said to them.
His face tightened, and I knew he was angry. What could he do against my disobedience? Call on me the fires of hell?
‘As you wish,’ he said, his voice grating through his teeth.
Isouda and Gytha sensed the tension, and backed into the shadows, their eyes watchful.
‘I have decided,’ Raife said, ‘that it would be better for you to go to —’
‘Pengraic,’ I said, suddenly realising that I wanted to be there more than anywhere. I could pray over Stephen’s grave. Talk to Owain.
I could talk to Owain when I could talk to no other.
‘Have you lost your wits, woman?’ Raife said.
‘I have lost all else I hold dear,’ I shot back at him.
‘You cannot undertake a journey like that! You are near to your confinement, and —’
‘Adelie did it. What she did, so can I.’
And look what happened to Adelie. I could see it writ over his face. ‘It is winter!’ Raife said. ‘The roads will be icy and treacherous!’
‘Better than spring and the roads thigh deep in mud.’
‘By God, woman, you risk both yourself and the child on the way!’
‘Don’t you dare speak of God’s name to me,’ I said, low. Then louder. ‘I will go. Ghent can escort us and I have no doubt you will send a suitable company with us and coin enough to pay for us to sleep under cover at night.’
‘The plague is —’
‘We can avoid areas of the plague.’
‘And you want to drag Isouda and Gytha and Ella through this?’
‘They can come with me or not as they please,’ I said. ‘I shall not hold it against them if they do not wish to come.’
‘I will come,’ said Isouda.
‘And I,’ said Gytha.
I smiled, feeling as if there was some worth left in this world after all. ‘Thank you, my friends.’
Raife was furious. I could see it in the way he held himself and in the tightening of his face.
He was losing control of me.
Good.