The Gilded Age by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner

his back upon him without a word, and said to the lady,

“Come, I’ve got no time to talk. You must go now.”

The lady, entirely disconcerted by such rudeness, and frightened, moved

towards the door, opened it and stepped out. The train was swinging

along at a rapid rate, jarring from side to side; the step was a long one

between the cars and there was no protecting grating. The lady attempted

it, but lost her balance, in the wind and the motion of the car, and

fell! She would inevitably have gone down under the wheels, if Philip,

who had swiftly followed her, had not caught her arm and drawn her up.

He then assisted her across, found her a seat, received her bewildered

thanks, and returned to his car.

The conductor was still there, taking his tickets, and growling something

about imposition. Philip marched up to him, and burst out with,

“You are a brute, an infernal brute, to treat a woman that way.”

“Perhaps you’d like to make a fuss about it,” sneered the conductor.

Philip’s reply was a blow, given so suddenly and planted so squarely in

the conductor’s face, that it sent him reeling over a fat passenger, who

was looking up in mild wonder that any one should dare to dispute with a

conductor, and against the side of the car.

He recovered himself, reached the bell rope, “Damn you, I’ll learn you,”

stepped to the door and called a couple of brakemen, and then, as the

speed slackened; roared out,

“Get off this train.”

“I shall not get off. I have as much right here as you.”

“We’ll see,” said the conductor, advancing with the brakemen. The

passengers protested, and some of them said to each other, “That’s too

bad,” as they always do in such cases, but none of them offered to take a

hand with Philip. The men seized him, wrenched him from his seat,

dragged him along the aisle, tearing his clothes, thrust him from the

car, and, then flung his carpet-bag, overcoat and umbrella after him.

And the train went on.

The conductor, red in the face and puffing from his exertion, swaggered

through the car, muttering “Puppy, I’ll learn him.” The passengers, when

he had gone, were loud in their indignation, and talked about signing a

protest, but they did nothing more than talk.

The next morning the Hooverville Patriot and Clarion had this “item”:–

SLIGHTUALLY OVERBOARD.

“We learn that as the down noon express was leaving H—- yesterday

a lady! (God save the mark) attempted to force herself into the

already full palatial car. Conductor Slum, who is too old a bird to

be caught with chaff, courteously informed her that the car was

full, and when she insisted on remaining, he persuaded her to go

into the car where she belonged. Thereupon a young sprig, from the

East, blustered like a Shanghai rooster, and began to sass the

conductor with his chin music. That gentleman delivered the young

aspirant for a muss one of his elegant little left-handers, which so

astonished him that he began to feel for his shooter. Whereupon Mr.

Slum gently raised the youth, carried him forth, and set him down

just outside the car to cool off. Whether the young blood has yet

made his way out of Bascom’s swamp, we have not learned. Conductor

Slum is one of the most gentlemanly and efficient officers on the

road; but he ain’t trifled with, not much. We learn that the

company have put a new engine on the seven o’clock train, and newly

upholstered the drawing-room car throughout. It spares no effort

for the comfort of the traveling public.”

Philip never had been before in Bascom’s swamp, and there was nothing

inviting in it to detain him. After the train got out of the way he

crawled out of the briars and the mud, and got upon the track. He was

somewhat bruised, but he was too angry to mind that. He plodded along

over the ties in a very hot condition of mind and body. In the scuffle,

his railway check had disappeared, and he grimly wondered, as he noticed

the loss, if the company would permit him to walk over their track if

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