The Gilded Age by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner

nearly every newspaper of character in the land assailed the measure and

hurled broadsides of invective at Mr. Buckstone. The Washington papers

were more respectful, as usual–and conciliatory, also, as usual. They

generally supported measures, when it was possible; but when they could

not they “deprecated” violent expressions of opinion in other

journalistic quarters.

They always deprecated, when there was trouble ahead. However, ‘The

Washington Daily Love-Feast’ hailed the bill with warm approbation. This

was Senator Balaam’s paper–or rather, “Brother” Balaam, as he was

popularly called, for he had been a clergyman, in his day; and he himself

and all that he did still emitted an odor of sanctity now that he had

diverged into journalism and politics. He was a power in the

Congressional prayer meeting, and in all movements that looked to the

spread of religion and temperance.

His paper supported the new bill with gushing affection; it was a noble

measure; it was a just measure; it was a generous measure; it was a pure

measure, and that surely should recommend it in these corrupt times; and

finally, if the nature of the bill were not known at all, the ‘Love

Feast’ would support it anyway, and unhesitatingly, for the fact that

Senator Dilworthy was the originator of the measure was a guaranty that

it contemplated a worthy and righteous work.

Senator Dilworthy was so anxious to know what the New York papers would

say about the bill; that he had arranged to have synopses of their

editorials telegraphed to him; he could not wait for the papers

themselves to crawl along down to Washington by a mail train which has

never run over a cow since the road was built; for the reason that it has

never been able to overtake one. It carries the usual “cow-catcher” in

front of the locomotive, but this is mere ostentation. It ought to be

attached to the rear car, where it could do some good; but instead, no

provision is made there for the protection of the traveling public, and

hence it is not a matter of surprise that cows so frequently climb aboard

that train and among the passengers.

The Senator read his dispatches aloud at the breakfast table. Laura was

troubled beyond measure at their tone, and said that that sort of comment

would defeat the bill; but the Senator said:

“Oh, not at all, not at all, my child. It is just what we want.

Persecution is the one thing needful, now–all the other forces are

secured. Give us newspaper persecution enough, and we are safe.

Vigorous persecution will alone carry a bill sometimes, dear; and when

you start with a strong vote in the first place, persecution comes in

with double effect. It scares off some of the weak supporters, true,

but it soon turns strong ones into stubborn ones. And then, presently,

it changes the tide of public opinion. The great public is weak-minded;

the great public is sentimental; the great public always turns around and

weeps for an odious murderer, and prays for-him, and carries flowers to

his prison and besieges the governor with appeals to his clemency, as

soon as the papers begin to howl for that man’s blood.–In a word, the

great putty-hearted public loves to ‘gush,’ and there is no such darling

opportunity to gush as a case of persecution affords.”

“Well, uncle, dear; if your theory is right, let us go into raptures,

for nobody can ask a heartier persecution than these editorials are

furnishing.”

“I am not so sure of that, my daughter. I don’t entirely like the tone

of some of these remarks. They lack vim, they lack venom. Here is one

calls it a ‘questionable measure.’ Bah, there is no strength in that.

This one is better; it calls it ‘highway robbery.’ That sounds something

like. But now this one seems satisfied to call it an ‘iniquitous

scheme’. ‘Iniquitous’ does not exasperate anybody; it is weak–puerile.

The ignorant will imagine it to be intended for a compliment. But this

other one–the one I read last–has the true ring: ‘This vile, dirty

effort to rob the public treasury, by the kites and vultures that now

infest the filthy den called Congress’–that is admirable, admirable!

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