our bill. Her trial will be over before Congress has half purified
itself.–And doesn’t it occur to you that by the time it has expelled all
its impure members there, may not be enough members left to do business
legally?”
“Why I did not say Congress would expel anybody.”
“Well won’t it expel anybody?”
“Not necessarily. Did it last year? It never does. That would not be
regular.”
“Then why waste all the session in that tomfoolery of trying members?”
“It is usual; it is customary; the country requires it.”
“Then the country is a fool, I think.”
“Oh, no. The country thinks somebody is going to be expelled.”
“Well, when nobody is expelled, what does the country think then?”
“By that time, the thing has strung out so long that the country is sick
and tired of it and glad to have a change on any terms. But all that
inquiry is not lost. It has a good moral effect.”
“Who does it have a good moral effect on?”
“Well–I don’t know. On foreign countries, I think. We have always been
under the gaze of foreign countries. There is no country in the world,
sir, that pursues corruption as inveterately as we do. There is no
country in the world whose representatives try each other as much as ours
do, or stick to it as long on a stretch. I think there is something
great in being a model for the whole civilized world, Washington”
“You don’t mean a model; you mean an example.”
“Well, it’s all the same; it’s just the same thing. It shows that a man
can’t be corrupt in this country without sweating for it, I can tell you
that.”
“Hang it, Colonel, you just said we never punish anybody for villainous
practices.”
“But good God we try them, don’t we! Is it nothing to show a disposition
to sift things and bring people to a strict account? I tell you it has
its effect.”
“Oh, bother the effect!–What is it they do do? How do they proceed?
You know perfectly well–and it is all bosh, too. Come, now, how do they
proceed?”
“Why they proceed right and regular–and it ain’t bosh, Washington, it
ain’t bosh. They appoint a committee to investigate, and that committee
hears evidence three weeks, and all the witnesses on one side swear that
the accused took money or stock or something for his vote. Then the
accused stands up and testifies that he may have done it, but he was
receiving and handling a good deal of money at the time and he doesn’t
remember this particular circumstance–at least with sufficient
distinctness to enable him to grasp it tangibly. So of course the thing
is not proven–and that is what they say in the verdict. They don’t
acquit, they don’t condemn. They just say, ‘Charge not proven.’ It
leaves the accused is a kind of a shaky condition before the country,
it purifies Congress, it satisfies everybody, and it doesn’t seriously
hurt anybody. It has taken a long time to perfect our system, but it is
the most admirable in the world, now.”
“So one of those long stupid investigations always turns out in that lame
silly way. Yes, you are correct. I thought maybe you viewed the matter
differently from other people. Do you think a Congress of ours could
convict the devil of anything if he were a member?”
“My dear boy, don’t let these damaging delays prejudice you against
Congress. Don’t use such strong language; you talk like a newspaper.
Congress has inflicted frightful punishments on its members–now you know
that. When they tried Mr. Fairoaks, and a cloud of witnesses proved him
to be–well, you know what they proved him to be–and his own testimony
and his own confessions gave him the same character, what did Congress do
then?–come!”
“Well, what did Congress do?”
“You know what Congress did, Washington. Congress intimated plainly
enough, that they considered him almost a stain upon their body; and
without waiting ten days, hardly, to think the thing over, the rose up
and hurled at him a resolution declaring that they disapproved of his
conduct! Now you know that, Washington.”
“It was a terrific thing–“there is no denying that. If he had been