The Gilded Age by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner

once that was bald-headed and used to have fits; he wasn’t our uncle,

I don’t know what he was to us–some kin or another I reckon–father’s

seen him a thousand times–hain’t you, father! We used to have a calf

that et apples and just chawed up dishrags like nothing, and if you stay

here you’ll see lots of funerals–won’t he, Sis! Did you ever see a

house afire? I have! Once me and Jim Terry—-”

But Sellers began to speak now, and the storm ceased. He began to tell

about an enormous speculation he was thinking of embarking some capital

in–a speculation which some London bankers had been over to consult with

him about–and soon he was building glittering pyramids of coin, and

Washington was presently growing opulent under the magic of his

eloquence. But at the same time Washington was not able to ignore the

cold entirely. He was nearly as close to the stove as he could get,

and yet he could not persuade himself, that he felt the slightest heat,

notwithstanding the isinglass’ door was still gently and serenely

glowing. He tried to get a trifle closer to the stove, and the

consequence was, he tripped the supporting poker and the stove-door

tumbled to the floor. And then there was a revelation–there was nothing

in the stove but a lighted tallow-candle! The poor youth blushed and

felt as if lie must die with shame. But the Colonel was only

disconcerted for a moment–he straightway found his voice again:

“A little idea of my own, Washington–one of the greatest things in the

world! You must write and tell your father about it–don’t forget that,

now. I have been reading up some European Scientific reports–friend of

mine, Count Fugier, sent them to me–sends me all sorts of things from

Paris–he thinks the world of me, Fugier does. Well, I saw that the

Academy of France had been testing the properties of heat, and they came

to the conclusion that it was a nonconductor or something like that,

and of course its influence must necessarily be deadly in nervous

organizations with excitable temperaments, especially where there is any

tendency toward rheumatic affections. Bless you I saw in a moment what

was the matter with us, and says I, out goes your fires! –no more slow

torture and certain death for me, sir. What you want is the appearance

of heat, not the heat itself–that’s the idea. Well how to do it was the

next thing. I just put my head, to work, pegged away, a couple of days,

and here you are! Rheumatism? Why a man can’t any more start a case of

rheumatism in this house than he can shake an opinion out of a mummy!

Stove with a candle in it and a transparent door–that’s it–it has been

the salvation of this family. Don’t you fail to write your father about

it, Washington. And tell him the idea is mine–I’m no more conceited

than most people, I reckon, but you know it is human nature for a man to

want credit for a thing like that.”

Washington said with his blue lips that he would, but he said in his

secret heart that he would promote no such iniquity. He tried to believe

in the healthfulness of the invention, and succeeded tolerably well;

but after all he could not feel that good health in a frozen, body was

any real improvement on the rheumatism.

CHAPTER VIII.

–Whan pe horde is thynne, as of seruyse,

Nought replenesshed with grete diuersite

Of mete & drinke, good chere may then suffise

With honest talkyng—-

The Book of Curtesye.

MAMMON. Come on, sir. Now, you set your foot on shore

In Novo Orbe; here’s the rich Peru:

And there within, sir, are the golden mines,

Great Solomon’s Ophir!—-

B. Jonson

The supper at Col. Sellers’s was not sumptuous, in the beginning, but it

improved on acquaintance. That is to say, that what Washington regarded

at first sight as mere lowly potatoes, presently became awe-inspiring

agricultural productions that had been reared in some ducal garden beyond

the sea, under the sacred eye of the duke himself, who had sent them to

Sellers; the bread was from corn which could be grown in only one favored

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