A half-chuckle caught me.
“Fairly taken,” I said. “I will see whether I can be honest. Hatred drove me at first-hatred for my brother Eric-and my desire for the throne. Had you asked me on my return which was the stronger, I would have said that it was the summons of the throne. Now, though . . . now I would have to admit that it was actually the other way around. I had not realized it until this moment, but it is true. But Eric is dead and there is nothing left of what I felt then. The throne remains, but now I find that my feelings toward it are mixed. There is a possibility that none of us has a right to it under present circumstances, and even if all family objections were removed I would not take it at this time. I would have to see stability restored to the realm and a number of questions answered first.”
“Even if these things showed that you may not have the throne?”
“Even so.”
“Then I begin to understand.”
“What? What is there to understand?”
“Lord Corwin, my knowledge of the philosophical basis of these things is limited, but it is my understanding that you are able to find anything you wish within Shadow. This has troubled me for a long while, and I never fully understood Random’s explanations. If you wished, could not each of you walk in Shadow and find yourself another Amber-like this one in all respects, save that you ruled there or enjoyed whatever other status you might desire?”
“Yes, we can locate such places,” I said.
“Then why is this not done, to have an end of strife?”
“It is because a place could be found which seemed to be the same-but that would be all. We are a part of this Amber as surely as it is a part of us. Any shadow of Amber would have to be populated with shadows of ourselves to seem worth while. We could even except the shadow of our own person should we choose to move into a ready realm. However, the shadow folk would not be exactly like the other people here. A shadow is never precisely like that which casts it. These little differences add up. They are actually worse than major ones. It would amount to entering a nation of strangers. The best mundane comparison which occurs to me is an encounter with a person who strongly resembles another person you know. You keep expecting him to act like your acquaintance; worse yet, you have a tendency to act toward him as you would toward that other. You face him with a certain mask and his responses are not appropriate. It is an uncomfortable feeling. I never enjoy meeting people who remind me of other people. Personality is the one thing we cannot control in our manipulations of Shadow. In fact, it is the means by which we can tell one another from shadows of ourselves. This is why Flora could not decide about me for so long, back on the shadow Earth: my new personality was sufficiently different.”
“I begin to understand,” she said. “It is not just Amber for you. It is the place plus everything else.”
“The place plus everything else . . . That is Amber,” I agreed.
“You say that your hate died with Eric and your desire for the throne has been tempered by the consideration of new things you have learned.”
“That is so.”
“Then I think I do understand what it is that moves you.”
“The desire for stability moves me,” I said, “and something of curiosity-and revenge on our enemies…”
“Duty,” she said. “Of course.”
I snorted.
“It would be comforting to put such a face on it,” I said. “As it is, however, I will not be a hypocrite. I am hardly a dutiful son of Amber or of Oberon.”
“Your voice makes it plain that you do not wish to be considered one.”
I closed my eyes, closed them to join her in darkness, to recall for a brief while the world where other messages than light waves took precedence. I knew then that she had been right about my voice. Why had I trodden so heavily on the idea of duty as soon as it was suggested? I like credit for being good and clean and noble and high-minded when I have it coming, even sometimes when I do not-the same as the next person. What bothered me about the notion of duty to Amber? Nothing. What was it then? Dad.