The Little Warrior by P. G. Wodehouse

A dog trotted up, spied him, and came to sniff.

“Good-bye, boy!” said Bill chattily.

The dog was taken aback. Hitherto, in his limited experience, birds had been birds and men men. Here was a blend of the two. What was to be done about it? He barked tentatively, then, finding that nothing disastrous ensued, pushed his nose between two of the bars and barked again. Any one who knew Bill could have told him that he was asking for it, and he got it. Bill leaned forward and nipped his nose. The dog started back with a howl of agony. He was learning something new every minute.

“Woof-woof-woof!” said Bill sardonically.

He perceived trousered legs, four of them, and, cocking his eye upwards, saw that two men of the lower orders stood before him. They were gazing down at him in the stolid manner peculiar to the proletariat of London in the presence of the unusual. For some minutes they stood drinking him in, then one of them gave judgment.

“It’s a parrot!” He removed a pipe from his mouth and pointed with the stem. “A perishin’ parrot, that is, Erb.”

“Ah!” said Erb, a man of few words.

“A parrot,” proceeded the other. He was seeing clearer into the matter every moment. “That’s a parrot, that is, Erb. My brother Joe’s wife’s sister ‘ad one of ’em. Come from abroad, they do. My brother Joe’s wife’s sister ‘ad one of ’em. Red-‘aired gel she was. Married a feller down at the Docks. She ‘ad one of ’em. Parrots they’re called.”

He bent down for a closer inspection, and inserted a finger through the railings. Erb abandoned his customary taciturnity and spoke words of warning.

“Tike care ‘e don’t sting yer, ‘Enry!”

Henry seemed wounded.

“Woddyer mean sting me? I know all abart parrots, I do. My brother Joe’s wife’s sister ‘ad one of ’em. They don’t ‘urt yer, not if you’re kind to ’em. You know yer pals when you see ’em, don’t yer, mate?” he went on, addressing Bill, who was contemplating the finger with one half-closed eye.

“Good-bye, boy,” said the parrot, evading the point.

“Jear that?” cried Henry delightedly. “Goo’-bye, boy!’ ‘Uman they are!”

“’E’ll ‘ave a piece out of yer finger,” warned Erb, the suspicious.

“Wot, ‘im!” Henry’s voice was indignant. He seemed to think that his reputation as an expert on parrots had been challenged. “’E wouldn’t ‘ave no piece out of my finger.”

“Bet yer a narf-pint ‘e would ‘ave a piece out of yer finger,” persisted the skeptic.

“No blinkin’ parrot’s goin’ to ‘ave no piece of no finger of mine! My brother Joe’s wife’s sister’s parrot never ‘ad no piece out of no finger of mine!” He extended the finger further and waggled it enticingly beneath Bill’s beak. “Cheerio, matey!” he said winningly. “Polly want a nut?”

Whether it was mere indolence or whether the advertised docility of that other parrot belonging to Henry’s brother’s wife’s sister had caused him to realize that there was a certain standard of good conduct for his species one cannot say: but for awhile Bill merely contemplated temptation with a detached eye.

“See!” said Henry.

“Woof-woof-woof!” said Bill.

“Wow-Wow-Wow!” yapped the dog, suddenly returning to the scene and going on with the argument at the point where he had left off.

The effect on Bill was catastrophic. Ever a high-strung bird, he lost completely the repose which stamps the caste of Vere de Vere and the better order of parrot. His nerves were shocked, and, as always under such conditions, his impulse was to bite blindly. He bit, and Henry—one feels sorry for Henry: he was a well-meaning man—leaped back with a loud howl.

“That’ll be ‘arf a pint,” said Erb, always the business man.

There was a lull in the rapid action. The dog, mumbling softly to himself, had moved away again and was watching affairs from the edge of the sidewalk. Erb, having won, his point, was silent once more. Henry sucked his ringer. Bill, having met the world squarely and shown it what was what, stood where he was, whistling nonchalantly.

Henry removed his finger from his mouth. “Lend me the loan of that stick of yours, Erb,” he said tensely.

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