“Gentlemen, you silly idiots,” complained Mr Miller loudly, “you’ve had three weeks to get these movements into your thick heads, and you haven’t done a damn thing right! You’re all over the place! You don’t seem able to turn without tumbling over each other like a lot of Keystone Kops! What’s the matter with you? You’re not doing the movements I showed you; you’re doing some you have invented yourselves, and they are rotten! I’ve no doubt you think you can arrange a number better than I can, but Mr Goble engaged me to be the director, so kindly do exactly as I tell you. Don’t try to use your own intelligence, because you haven’t any. I’m not blaming you for it. It wasn’t your fault that your nurses dropped you on your heads when you were babies. But it handicaps you when you try to think.”
Of the seven gentlemanly members of the male ensemble present, six looked wounded by this tirade. They had the air of good men wrongfully accused. They appeared to be silently calling on Heaven to see justice done between Mr. Miller and themselves. The seventh, a long-legged young man in faultlessly-fitting tweeds of English cut, seemed, on the other hand, not so much hurt as embarrassed. It was this youth who now stepped down to the darkened footlights and spoke in a remorseful and conscience-stricken manner.
“I say!”
Mr Miller, that martyr to deafness, did not hear the pathetic bleat. He had swung off at right angles and was marching in an overwrought way up the central aisle leading to the back of the house, his india rubber form moving in convulsive jerks. Only when he had turned and retraced his steps did he perceive the speaker and prepare to take his share in the conversation.
“What?” he shouted. “Can’t hear you!”
“I say, you know, it’s my fault, really.”
“What?”
“I mean to say, you know —”
“What? Speak up, can’t you?”
Mr Saltzburg, who had been seated at the piano, absently playing a melody from his unproduced musical comedy, awoke to the fact that the services of an interpreter were needed. He obligingly left the music-stool and crept, crablike, along the ledge of the stage-box. He placed his arm about Mr Miller’s shoulders and his lips to Mr Miller’s left ear, and drew a deep breath.
“He says it is his fault!”
Mr Miller nodded adhesion to this admirable sentiment.
“I know they’re not worth their salt!” he replied.
Mr Saltzburg patiently took in a fresh stock of breath.
“This young man says it is his fault that the movement went wrong!”
“Tell him I only signed on this morning, laddie,” urged the tweed-clad young man.
“He only joined the company this morning!”
This puzzled Mr Miller.
“How do you mean, warning?” he asked.
Mr Saltzburg, purple in the face, made a last effort.
“This young man is new,” he bellowed carefully, keeping to words of one syllable. “He does not yet know the steps. He says this is his first day here, so he does not yet know the steps. When he has been here some more time he will know the steps. But now he does not know the steps.”
“What he means,” explained the young man in tweeds helpfully, “is that I don’t know the steps.”
“He does not know the steps!” roared Mr Saltzburg.
“I know he doesn’t know the steps,” said Mr Miller. “Why doesn’t he know the steps? He’s had long enough to learn them.”
“He is new!”
“Hugh?”
“New!”
“Oh, new?”
“Yes, new!”
“Why the devil is he new?” cried Mr Miller, awaking suddenly to the truth and filled with a sense of outrage. “Why didn’t he join with the rest of the company? How can I put on chorus numbers if I am saddled every day with new people to teach? Who engaged him?”
“Who engaged you?” enquired Mr Saltzburg of the culprit.
“Mr Pilkington.”
“Mr Pilkington,” shouted Mr Saltzburg.
“When?”
“When?”
“Last night.”
“Last night.”
Mr Miller waved his hands in a gesture of divine despair, spun round, darted up the aisle, turned, and bounded back. “What can I do?” he wailed. “My hands are tied! I am hampered! I am handicapped! We open in two weeks, and every day I find somebody new in the company to upset everything I have done. I shall go to Mr Goble and ask to be released from my contract. I shall — Come along, come along, come along now!” he broke off suddenly. “Why are we wasting time? The whole number once more. The whole number once more from the beginning!”