“I know,” said Zaphod, thinking. “That’s why we’ll do it!”
“You in, Arthur?” Asked Ford.
“I don’t think I have much choice,” replied Arthur. “The mini-cab fare from here to Zaphod’s must be staggering. I’m in.”
“What about you guys?” Zaphod asked the dolphins.
“No, we’d be out of our depth,” said Etats. “But we’ll monitor your progress from here.”
“Okay then men, to the Heart of Gold,” ordered Zaphod. “Excitement, adventure and really wild things look out, here we come!”
CHAPTER 50
The Heart of Gold was somewhat less than 100%. The service had been useful, as the neutramatic machine would now deliver a damn near perfect cup of Earl Grey, but the mechanics hadn’t exactly been thorough. All the standard points of the service manual had been covered, but then the service manual didn’t cover the possibility of the owner deliberately pulling a few wires. So, behind an innocent looking inspection panel, the wires (which Zaphod incorrectly assumed had belonged to the ‘fasten your seat belts’ light) remained pulled. They were actually part of the microprocessor controlled reverse interlock relay memory bank of the infinite improbability drive. This device dumped all the necessary co-ordinates of the Universe into the ship’s computer for processing. This enabled the ship to assess current location against potential and possible location, in relation to requested location. The ship’s computer would then arrive in the requested location and dump all these details back with the co-ordinates of the ship’s latest position. This meant that next time infinite improbability was used, the computer couldn’t update the current location in relation to it’s position in the Universe, as, unfortunately, this information would normally travel back through one of the pulled wires.
In layman’s terms, the next time infinite improbability drive was used, the ship would arrive totally lost and unable to use infinite improbability drive until the wire was replaced and the co-ordinates reprogrammed.
CHAPTER 51
“Okay Ford, hit the improb button,” ordered Zaphod, lounging in his favourite chair. Ford obliged and the ship blinked out and into existence in a flash.
Zaphod was in his least favourite chair, Ford had his blazer on and Arthur was wearing something which, by all accounts, should have found it’s way to a jumble sale by now.
“Arthur, I hate to tell you this, old mate,” said Ford, realising he was now holding the remains of Marvin.
“I know,” said Arthur, his hands stuffed deep in his dressing gown pockets. It was a little less shabby than when he last saw it but it was still very worn at the edges, sides and generally all over. “I suppose travelling the Universe wouldn’t be the same without it.”
“Well guys, looks like we’re all dressed for the occasion,” said Zaphod, wondering where his great suit was now resting.
It was, in fact, not resting at all. It was in orbit around a rather weak star and was trying to out do the star’s solar flares. Arthur’s suit had become an airport for a colony of flying frogs. The improbability drive also caused Arthur’s watch to go backwards, the rain forests of Eeetneet to instantly dry out and for three people to be taken from the living room where they were perfectly happy, to a locked room on a supposedly impregnable planet.
“What’s the big deal about this planet?” Asked Arthur.
“I can tell you,” chirped Eddie, the shipboard computer. “But I really ought to tell you something quite important about the ship first.”
“Put a cork in it, Eddie,” said Zaphod. “We don’t need to hear any more sales talk from you, I think we’ll get enough of that on the planet.”
“You see, Arthur,” began Ford. “The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation had a lot of trouble with people breaking into their computer systems trying to find out what new releases were on the way.”
“To steal the ideas?” Asked Arthur.
“Nah, the ideas were so ridiculous it was just amusing to read them,” interjected Zaphod. “So the SCC changed all their documentation into paper records and moved their headquarters to this Magrathean planet where the atmosphere was poisonous and acidic so no ship could get through unless it was travelling really fast so the acid couldn’t get a grip on the ship. However, any ship travelling that fast would be smashed into oblivion because it couldn’t pull up in time.”