“This is much better than the swivel chairs our telephonists had,” he yelled to Zaphod. Zaphod was too busy looking out of his bowl.
“Here they come!” Said Trillian in Arthur’s headset. Six small robot fighters hurtled past the Heart of Gold, guns a blazing. Arthur panicked and pressed the button on one of the handles. A bolt of laser scorched into space. He felt incredibly foolish. He hid his embarrassment by trying to blast the robot ships our of the sky.
“They’re coming in too fast!” He shouted to Zaphod.
Zaphod twisted around and shot ahead of a fighter. The ship went straight into his line of fire and was blasted to pieces.
“A-ha!” He yelled.
Arthur tried to concentrate. He watched one ship and tried to predict its flight. He lined himself up and pressed the button. To his complete surprise he hit the ship and knocked it out of existence.
“I got one!” He yelled.
“Don’t get cocky, kid,” growled Zaphod.
One fighter flew past Zaphod’s bowl and blasted the shell of the Heart of Gold. Zaphod made him pay with a shot which knocked him into another fighter, destroying them both.
“Top that,” he said to Arthur.
The three remaining fighters were flying in formation out of range. They dived down and did more damage to the Heart of Gold.
“We’ve lost two stabilisers,” said Trillian over the intercom.
“Don’t worry,” replied Zaphod. “She’ll hold together.” He looked at the ship. “You hear me ship, hold together.”
The three fighters were descending on another attack. Arthur took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He shot and clipped the first ship, which spun out of control into the other two. There was an enormous explosion and debris showered the Heart of Gold. Unfortunately, one large piece of debris smashed into the tail and with two stabilisers gone, the ship spun hopelessly out of control. Round and round, the Heart of Gold was mercilessly pulled towards the desert planet of Stavromula Beta, where Arthur was to receive the shock of his life, because a lot of religious people he didn’t know were waiting to meet him.
CHAPTER 60
According to the Encyclopaedia Galactica, religion is an evolutionary stage most races go through as a stepping stone to peace of mind or enlightenment. The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy describes religion as great fun if you pick the right one and goes on to recommend several religions, based on fulfilment, cheapness and extent of brainwashing. The Guide then goes on with the following description of the history of religion with a footnote to the effect that although the views expressed may not be those of the Editor, he’ll agree to put anything in which is supported by a large drink.
Most religions follow the same basic path. It starts as an excuse for something which defies explanation, such as a nearby star, fire or water. As these things are understood, the energy channelled into worshipping has to be redirected, and as sophistication evolves, so does religion, to the extent of telling you what to do, what not to do, when to do it and at what time of year. As this usually involves something fun being forbidden, some people lose interest at this stage. Those who continue soon begin to lose sight of the original concept and diversification sets in to turn religion into what it is wanted to be (such the Holy Order of Sexual Enjoyment) rather than what was originally intended. This leads to disillusionment (except in the Holy Order of Sexual Enjoyment) and religion is generally given up, put down as ‘One of those phases we went through’, like teenage acne.
Some people still follow religions, one of the most famous people being Looleel Jegula. He was a devout follower of the Order of Sanctonimity, a particularly dull religious group who believed that three days a year should be devoted to lying in mud swamps to show how grateful they were to be alive. This resulted in much ridiculing by non-believers, until Looleel announced that he was going to travel back in time to meet his maker, thank him, and return with proof of his existence. He made a tearful farewell to his Order, stepped into his time bubble, which promptly disappeared into time. He returned moments later to declare that although he hadn’t actually met his maker, he had come across a ‘NO ENTRY’ sign at the year zero, which he claimed was proof that some holy person had been around to erect it. The sign had, in fact, been put there by non-believers as a practical joke and when Looleel was told, a big row broke out about time travel and messing around with history. Looleel became very unreligious for one moment and thumped one of the non-believers, which started an almighty war.