jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the
which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will
use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer;
and there’s my harvest-home.
FORD I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
if you saw him.
FALSTAFF Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o’er the
cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.
Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style;
thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and
cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
Exit
FORD What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the
hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man
have thought this? See the hell of having a false
woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers
ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not
only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under
the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that
does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds
well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
devils’ additions, the names of fiends: but
Cuckold! Wittol!–Cuckold! the devil himself hath
not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he
will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will
rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh
the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling
gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,
then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they
think in their hearts they may effect, they will
break their hearts but they will effect. God be
praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour.
I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
Exit
Scene 3
A field near Windsor.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
DOCTOR CAIUS Jack Rugby!
RUGBY Sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS Vat is de clock, Jack?
RUGBY ‘Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he
has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,
Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
RUGBY He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill
him, if he came.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.
Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
RUGBY Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
DOCTOR CAIUS Villany, take your rapier.
RUGBY Forbear; here’s company.
Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE
Host Bless thee, bully doctor!
SHALLOW Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
PAGE Now, good master doctor!
SLENDER Give you good morrow, sir.
DOCTOR CAIUS Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
Host To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee
traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to
see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is
he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my
AEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is
he dead, bully stale? is he dead?
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he
is not show his face.
Host Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!
DOCTOR CAIUS I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or
seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
SHALLOW He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of
souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should
fight, you go against the hair of your professions.
Is it not true, Master Page?
PAGE Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, though now a man of peace.
SHALLOW Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of
the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
make one. Though we are justices and doctors and
churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our
youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
PAGE ‘Tis true, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor
Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of
the peace: you have showed yourself a wise
physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise
and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.
Host Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.
DOCTOR CAIUS Mock-vater! vat is dat?
Host Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de
Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me
vill cut his ears.
Host He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
DOCTOR CAIUS Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?
Host That is, he will make thee amends.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me;
for, by gar, me vill have it.
Host And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.
DOCTOR CAIUS Me tank you for dat.
Host And, moreover, bully,–but first, master guest, and
Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
through the town to Frogmore.
Aside to them
PAGE Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
PAGE, SHALLOW, Slender We will do it.
Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a
jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Host Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold
water on thy choler: go about the fields with me
through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress
Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou
shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you;
and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,
de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne
Page. Said I well?
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, ’tis good; vell said.
Host Let us wag, then.
DOCTOR CAIUS Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
Exeunt
Act 3
Scene 1
A field near Frogmore.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE
SIR HUGH EVANS I pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which way have you
looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
SIMPLE Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every
way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town
way.
SIR HUGH EVANS I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
way.
SIMPLE I will, sir.
Exit
SIR HUGH EVANS ‘Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have
deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog
his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have
good opportunities for the ork. ‘Pless my soul!
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow–
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
Sings
Melodious birds sing madrigals–
When as I sat in Pabylon–
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow &c.
Re-enter SIMPLE
SIMPLE Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.
SIR HUGH EVANS He’s welcome.
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
SIMPLE No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master
Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over
the stile, this way.
SIR HUGH EVANS Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
SHALLOW How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.
Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student
from his book, and it is wonderful.
SLENDER [Aside]
Ah, sweet Anne Page!
PAGE ‘Save you, good Sir Hugh!
SIR HUGH EVANS ‘Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
SHALLOW What, the sword and the word! do you study them
both, master parson?
PAGE And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this
raw rheumatic day!
SIR HUGH EVANS There is reasons and causes for it.
PAGE We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.
SIR HUGH EVANS Fery well: what is it?
PAGE Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at most