So “the wise young Virge” scuttled away and I thought we were home free. Not a chance. The next thing I knew, the whole area was resounding with the chatter of about a jillion imps, all prattling away in what the bedamned scholars call a “classical chorus.”
* * *
I groaned. Hrundig grinned.
“You think this is bad?
You ought to see the
Guide’s Rules in my homeland’s
version of eternal damnation.”
I groaned again.
Since you might be interested—heh—and since I’m a firm believer in the wise man’s saw that “misery conscripts company,” here’s what happened then:
THE CHORUS OF IMPS: They come! They come!
Arrivistes!
CEO OF THE INFERNAL Whence come ye, mortals?
REGIONS: And by whose leave?
ZULKEH OF GOIMR, From above, Foul One.
PHYSICIAN: And our leave is sufficient,
The will of my own intellect.
CEO OF THE INFERNAL For what purpose then?
REGIONS: And by whose fell design?
THE CHORUS OF IMPS: By whose fell design?
Speak! Speak!
ZULKEH OF GOIMR, For the purpose of discovering
PHYSICIAN: All secrets of Joetry.
As for the design,
From far Pryggia it comes,
Dispatched by Magrit’s hand,
Whose withered veins and
Talons held the might to cast
Her mission unto decrepit
Goimr, tumored city of
Once-proud kings,
Now overthrown, their dynasty
Brought to ruination,
Whose wretched hovels huddle
By the very woods whose shade
Once dappled fair Gwendolyn,
The long hours she strode,
Her keen eyes searching
Every shadow for sign of peril
Whilst her mind wandered,
Pondering the newfound love
Discovered in the unexpected
Form of the hated intruder
From haughty imperial Ozar.
THE CHORUS OF IMPS: Cut to the chase!
Cut to the chase!
ZULKEH OF GOIMR, Now the bone fought over by
PHYSICIAN: Miscreants mad and military
Who sought in vain to
Forestall the shrewd acumen
Of the mage Zulkeh,
That is myself, who, now
Apprised of Magrit’s vision,
Seeks to wrest from all
Powers, be they high or low
The truth concerning the fell
Dream of the dotard king.
THE CHORUS OF IMPS: Get to the point!
Get to the point!
ZULKEH OF GOIMR, Bah! Impudent imps!
PHYSICIAN: Foul Vizier of Vileness!
I demand the truth, all
That is known in Hell
Anent the ancient Joe,
Who invented everything.
CEO OF THE INFERNAL Not a chance, Zulkeh.
REGIONS:
THE CHORUS OF IMPS: What a clown!
What a clown!
ZULKEH OF GOIMR, Bah! Impudent archdevil!
PHYSICIAN: Desist, Lord of Lies.
I am impatient, for even as
I pontificate in epic meter,
Time wanes.
CEO OF THE INFERNAL I’m dying here. Dying!
REGIONS: Of laughter. Not a chance,
Zulkeh of Goimr. Ask me
Something serious.
ZULKEH OF GOIMR, Since you insist!
PHYSICIAN: Where is fair Gwendolyn’s
Former squeeze?
THE CHORUS OF IMPS: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Hee! Hee! Hee!
CEO OF THE INFERNAL Gasp! Choke! Wheeze!
REGIONS: Gigglegigglegiggle.
He’s in Even Worse Hands
Than me! Gasp! Choke!
Thattaway.
* * *
So off we went, before the CEO of the Infernal Regions and his minions could stop laughing. True, he’d pointed us to the door himself, so by all rights he could hardly object to our following his directions. But they don’t call him the Archdevil for nothing.
According to the Guide’s Rules, I can’t describe the door itself which led to the Place Even Worse Than Hell, but the inscription over it is within the guidelines:
Abandon All Hope
Ye Who Enter Here
And This Time We’re Not Kidding
* * *
I was so relieved when the door closed behind us that I practically collapsed. I paid no attention to my surroundings. Some kind of huge grotto, glittering with light from what seemed like thousands of veins of peculiar minerals, glowing from within.
“Wonder what faces us next?” mused Greyboar.
“Don’t care!” I gasped. “At least it’ll come at us in prose!”
Chapter 27.
Moments, High and Low
But my gasping didn’t last for long. Not two seconds later I
was right in the wizard’s face. Clutching the lapels of his sorcerer’s robe in my hands and shaking him the way a terrier shakes a rat. Well. Small terrier; big rat. The terrier actually does most of the moving around part.
“What’s the big idea, Zulkeh?” I demanded. “What are you doing getting into a wrangle with the CEO of the Infernal Regions—the Archdevil himself!—over this damned Joe business? You were just supposed to ask him about Benny!”