CHAPTER 17
I WAS SORELY TEMPTED TO think get me out of here and take me home but restrained myself. I had a foolproof means of escape, or so Coypu had reassured me, and my escape from the building site had proved him right, so I should hang around for a bit. I wasn’t being threatened, at least not yet, and this was supposed to be a reconnaissance mission. “No hard feelings?” I asked. “Should there be?” “You tell me. The last time we met, or I met with a number of your incarnations, mayhem and murder seemed to be the name of the game.” “Of course. Hell.” He nodded. “I wasn’t there but of course I was aware of what was happening. That was very good salami-you must give me the name of your supplier.” This conversation was getting a little surrealistic, but I decided to press on. This was the first time I had talked to Slakey without some kind of instant violence in the offing. “Where is Heaven?” I asked. “All around you. Isn’t it enjoyable?” “Is this the Heaven the seriously religious hope to go to when they die?” “Pleasant, isn’t it? Did you enjoy the cherubs?” He smiled benignly. I decided to be a little more direct. “Why are you here in Heaven?” “The same reason you are.” “Let’s get down to facts. You are a crook with a number of cons. A murderer as well, since you shipped all those people off to Hell. And you have been giving suckers daytrips to Heaven. To a variety of Heavens.” He pursed his lips and nodded as though in thought. “If you say so, dear boy. I want no dissension in Heaven.” “What is the purpose of all this? What are you doing with all the money you bamboozle Out of people?” This time the cold look in his eye was pure Slakey. “You are getting tiresome, Jim. And boring. And a bit of a nuisance don’t you think so?” Now that he mentioned it I realized that I wasn’t exactly being the life of the party. “I’m sorry, Professor. I’m not usually like this.” “Apology accepted, of course. It’s so nice here in Heaven that we shouldn’t quarrel. There-why don’t you sit down there and rest?” There was a chair beside me that hadn’t been there an instant before. A good thing too since he was right, I really was tired. Very, very tired. I dropped into it. Slakey nodded again. “Time to get comfortable, Jim. Take off your boots, stretch your toes-” What a good idea-or was it? What was wrong with it? I couldn’t quite remember. Meanwhile I was taking off one boot, then the other, and tossing them aside. Slakey smiled toothily and snapped his fingers and my lassittide vanished. The boot heel! Get me out of here! I blasted the thought out so loudly that it rattled around inside my skull. The boots were gone and nothing had happened. Or rather something not too nice happened, because when I jumped to my feet and turned to run I fell flat on my face. Staring at the golden bracelet around my ankle. Attached to a length of gilt chain that vanished into the ground. “Good trick,” he said sternly, although it came out a little squeakily. I climbed to my feet and sat down again in the chair. “Not really. You are a stupid little man and very easy to outthink. Didn’t you realize that your undetectable device would be detected? An interuniversal activator indeed! I sneer at it. My science is so far ahead of yours that I hesitate to describe the difference. Not only my science but my intellect. Mere child’s play to outwit you. First I used hypnotic gas to make you amenable, then it was only a matter of simple suggestion to control a simple mind. You were happy to turn over your boots to me. Along with your life, you must realize. I am the master of science, of life and death; time and entropy!” Also one brick short of a load, one nut short of a nutcake, I thought grimly. It was not going to be easy to get out of this one. “You are indeed,” I said with all sincerity. “But you are also a man of mystery as well. With all your talents why are you going to all the trouble setting up your con games?” He chose not to answer; insane or not he kept his secrets. And he was beginning to lose his temper. “Wispy, time-shortened man-do you know how old I am?” “No, but I’m sure that you will tell me. Not that I really care.” I turned away and yawned and watched out of the corner of my eye as his face turned purple. “You have strained my patience, diGriz. You must show respect and, yes, awe for someone like me-who is over eight thousand years old!” “Amazing!” I said. “I wouldn’t pick you as a year over seven thousand.” “Enough!” he raged, leaping to his feet. “I am tired of you. Therefore I now condemn you to Purgatory. Bring him.” This last command was directed at a hulking, man-shaped robot that came clanking up the stairs. It was dented and scarred, red with rust and coated with black dust. One electronic eye glowed balefully; the other had been torn out of its socket. It stamped towards me and I quailed back, so great was the thing’s insensate menace. It hissed and bent, reached out and with its sharp-bladed fingers it cut the chain that secured me. I jumped away-but it caught’ me in midair with clutching hands the size of shovels. Grabbed me and crushed me to its metal chest, its grip unbreakable and painful. Fat and white-haired Slakey grunted with the effort as he pulled himself to his feet and waddled away, my captor clomping after him. Down the stairs we went and out onto the yellow brick road. Slakey stamped his foot and there was a slathering, liquid sound as the road lifted up like a great yellow tongue. A dark pit was revealed from which rose a dreadful stench. “The doomed enter Purgatory,” he intoned. “None return. Go.” My captive robot, still clutching me, leaned forward. More and more. Until we dropped face-first down into the pit.