The Stolen White Elephant by Mark Twain

But there was no joy for me. I felt as if I had committed all those red

crimes, and that the elephant was only my irresponsible agent. And how

the list had grown! In one place he had “interfered with an election and

killed five repeaters.” He had followed this act with the destruction of

two pool fellows, named O’Donohue and McFlannigan, whO had “found a

refuge in the home of the oppressed of all lands only the day before, and

were in the act of exercising for the first time the noble right of

American citizens at the polls, when stricken down by the relentless hand

of the Scourge of Siam.” In another, he had “found a crazy sensation-

preacher preparing his next season’s heroic attacks on the dance, the

theater, and other things which can’t strike back, and had stepped on

him.” And in still another place he had “killed a lightning-rod agent.”

And so the list went on, growing redder and redder, and more and more

heartbreaking. Sixty persons had been killed, and two hundred and forty

wounded. All the accounts bore just testimony to the activity and

devotion of the detectives, and all closed with the remark that “three

hundred thousand citizen; and four detectives saw the dread creature, and

two of the latter he destroyed.”

I dreaded to hear the telegraphic instrument begin to click again.

By and by the messages began to pour in, but I was happily disappointed

in they nature. It was soon apparent that all trace of the elephant was

lost. The fog had enabled him to search out a good hiding-place

unobserved. Telegrams from the most absurdly distant points reported

that a dim vast mass had been glimpsed there through the fog at such and

such an hour, and was “undoubtedly the elephant.” This dim vast mass had

been glimpsed in New Haven, in New Jersey, in Pennsylvania, in interior

New York, in Brooklyn, and even in the city of New York itself! But in

all cases the dim vast mass had vanished quickly and left no trace.

Every detective of the large force scattered over this huge extent of

country sent his hourly report, and each and every one of them had a

clue, and was shadowing something, and was hot upon the heels of it.

But the day passed without other result.

The next day the same.

The next just the same.

The newspaper reports began to grow monotonous with facts that amounted

to nothing, clues which led to nothing, and theories which had nearly

exhausted the elements which surprise and delight and dazzle.

By advice of the inspector I doubled the reward.

Four more dull days followed. Then came a bitter blow to the poor,

hard-working detectives–the journalists declined to print their

theories, and coldly said, “Give us a rest.”

Two weeks after the elephant’s disappearance I raised the reward to

seventy-five thousand dollars by the inspector’s advice. It was a great

sum, but I felt that I would rather sacrifice my whole private fortune

than lose my credit with my government. Now that the detectives were in

adversity, the newspapers turned upon them, and began to fling the most

stinging sarcasms at them. This gave the minstrels an idea, and they

dressed themselves as detectives and hunted the elephant on the stage in

the most extravagant way. The caricaturists made pictures of detectives

scanning the country with spy-glasses, while the elephant, at their

backs, stole apples out of their pockets. And they made all sorts of

ridiculous pictures of the detective badge–you have seen that badge

printed in gold on the back of detective novels, no doubt it is a

wide-staring eye, with the legend, “WE NEVER SLEEP.” When detectives

called for a drink, the would-be facetious barkeeper resurrected an

obsolete form of expression and said, “Will you have an eye-opener?”

All the air was thick with sarcasms.

But there was one man who moved calm, untouched, unaffected, through it

all. It was that heart of oak, the chief inspector. His brave eye never

drooped, his serene confidence never wavered. He always said:

“Let them rail on; he laughs best who laughs last.”

My admiration for the man grew into a species of worship. I was at his

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