Lady, lady, lady.
What had brought him back this time, he didn’t know. The sun was gone, though. Dark coming down.
Fireflies. Third night then. Last. For three nights, and forever, the King had said. The King was dead.
How did he know that? And after a moment it seemed that very far down, below the burnt, strung-out place of pain he had become, a part of him remained that could fear.
How did he know Ailell was dead? The Tree had told him. It knew the passing of High Kings, it always did. It had been rooted here to summon them far back in the soil of time. From Iorweth to Ailell they were the Children of Mörnir, and the Tree knew when they died. And now he knew as well. He understood. Now I give you to Mörnir; the other part of the consecration. He was given. He was becoming root, branch. He was naked there, skin to bark; naked in all the ways there were, it seemed, because the dark was coming down inside again, the door unbolting. He was so open the wind could pass through him, light shine, shadow fall.
Like a child again. Light and shade. Simplicity. When had all the twisting started? He could remember (a different door, this) playing baseball on the street as darkness fell. Playing even after the streetlights kicked on, so that the ball would come flashing like a comet out of brightness and into dark, elusive but attainable. The smell of cut grass and porch flowers, the leather of a new fielder’s glove. Summer twilight, summer dark. All the continuities. When had it turned? Why did it have to turn? The process changing to disjunctions, abortings, endings, all of them raining down like arrows, unlit and inescapable.
And then love, love, the deepest discontinuity.
Because it seemed that this door had turned into the other one after all, the one he couldn’t face. Not even childhood was safe anymore, not tonight. Nowhere would be safe tonight. Not here at the end, naked on the Tree.
And he understood then, finally: understood that it had to be naked, truly so, that one went to the God. It was the Tree that was stripping him, layer by layer, down to what he was hiding from. To what—hadn’t there once been a thing called irony?—he had come here hiding from. Music. Her name. Tears. Rain. The highway.
He was skewed again, going down; the fireflies among the trees had become headlights of approaching cars, which was so absurd. But then it wasn’t, after all, because now he was in the car, driving her eastward on Lakeshore Boulevard in the rain.
It had rained the night she died.
I don’t, I don’t want to go here, he thought, clinging to nothing, his mind’s last despairing effort to pull away. Please, just let me die, let me be rain for them.
But no. He was the Arrow now. The Arrow on the Tree, of Mörnir, and he was to be given naked or not at all.
Or not at all. There was that, he realized. He could die. That was still his choice, he could let go. It was there for him.
And so on the third night Paul Schafer came to the last test, the one that was always failed, the opening. Where the Kings of Brennin, or those coming in their name, discovered that the courage to be here, the strength to endure, even love of their land were none of them enough. On the Tree one could no longer hide from the living or the dead, from one’s own soul. Naked or not at all, one went to Mörnir. And oh, that was too much for them, too hard, too unfair after all that had been endured, to be forced to go into the darkest places then, so weak, so impossibly vulnerable.
And so they would let go, brave Kings of the sword, wise ones, gallant Princes, all would turn away from so much nakedness and die too soon.
But not that night. Because of pride, of pure stubbornness, and because, most surely, of the dog, Paul Schafer found the courage not to turn. Down he went.