VALENTINE I pray thee, Launce, an if thou seest my boy,
Bid him make haste and meet me at the North-gate.
PROTEUS Go, sirrah, find him out. Come, Valentine.
VALENTINE O my dear Silvia! Hapless Valentine!
Exeunt VALENTINE and PROTEUS
LAUNCE I am but a fool, look you; and yet I have the wit to
think my master is a kind of a knave: but that’s
all one, if he be but one knave. He lives not now
that knows me to be in love; yet I am in love; but a
team of horse shall not pluck that from me; nor who
’tis I love; and yet ’tis a woman; but what woman, I
will not tell myself; and yet ’tis a milkmaid; yet
’tis not a maid, for she hath had gossips; yet ’tis
a maid, for she is her master’s maid, and serves for
wages. She hath more qualities than a water-spaniel;
which is much in a bare Christian.
Pulling out a paper
Here is the cate-log of her condition.
‘Imprimis: She can fetch and carry.’ Why, a horse
can do no more: nay, a horse cannot fetch, but only
carry; therefore is she better than a jade. ‘Item:
She can milk;’ look you, a sweet virtue in a maid
with clean hands.
Enter SPEED
SPEED How now, Signior Launce! what news with your
mastership?
LAUNCE With my master’s ship? why, it is at sea.
SPEED Well, your old vice still; mistake the word. What
news, then, in your paper?
LAUNCE The blackest news that ever thou heardest.
SPEED Why, man, how black?
LAUNCE Why, as black as ink.
SPEED Let me read them.
LAUNCE Fie on thee, jolt-head! thou canst not read.
SPEED Thou liest; I can.
LAUNCE I will try thee. Tell me this: who begot thee?
SPEED Marry, the son of my grandfather.
LAUNCE O illiterate loiterer! it was the son of thy
grandmother: this proves that thou canst not read.
SPEED Come, fool, come; try me in thy paper.
LAUNCE There; and St. Nicholas be thy speed!
SPEED [Reads]
‘Imprimis: She can milk.’
LAUNCE Ay, that she can.
SPEED ‘Item: She brews good ale.’
LAUNCE And thereof comes the proverb: ‘Blessing of your
heart, you brew good ale.’
SPEED ‘Item: She can sew.’
LAUNCE That’s as much as to say, Can she so?
SPEED ‘Item: She can knit.’
LAUNCE What need a man care for a stock with a wench, when
she can knit him a stock?
SPEED ‘Item: She can wash and scour.’
LAUNCE A special virtue: for then she need not be washed
and scoured.
SPEED ‘Item: She can spin.’
LAUNCE Then may I set the world on wheels, when she can
spin for her living.
SPEED ‘Item: She hath many nameless virtues.’
LAUNCE That’s as much as to say, bastard virtues; that,
indeed, know not their fathers and therefore have no names.
SPEED ‘Here follow her vices.’
LAUNCE Close at the heels of her virtues.
SPEED ‘Item: She is not to be kissed fasting in respect
of her breath.’
LAUNCE Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on.
SPEED ‘Item: She hath a sweet mouth.’
LAUNCE That makes amends for her sour breath.
SPEED ‘Item: She doth talk in her sleep.’
LAUNCE It’s no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.
SPEED ‘Item: She is slow in words.’
LAUNCE O villain, that set this down among her vices! To
be slow in words is a woman’s only virtue: I pray
thee, out with’t, and place it for her chief virtue.
SPEED ‘Item: She is proud.’
LAUNCE Out with that too; it was Eve’s legacy, and cannot
be ta’en from her.
SPEED ‘Item: She hath no teeth.’
LAUNCE I care not for that neither, because I love crusts.
SPEED ‘Item: She is curst.’
LAUNCE Well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.
SPEED ‘Item: She will often praise her liquor.’
LAUNCE If her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I
will; for good things should be praised.
SPEED ‘Item: She is too liberal.’
LAUNCE Of her tongue she cannot, for that’s writ down she
is slow of; of her purse she shall not, for that
I’ll keep shut: now, of another thing she may, and
that cannot I help. Well, proceed.
SPEED ‘Item: She hath more hair than wit, and more faults
than hairs, and more wealth than faults.’
LAUNCE Stop there; I’ll have her: she was mine, and not
mine, twice or thrice in that last article.
Rehearse that once more.
SPEED ‘Item: She hath more hair than wit,’–
LAUNCE More hair than wit? It may be; I’ll prove it. The
cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it
is more than the salt; the hair that covers the wit
is more than the wit, for the greater hides the
less. What’s next?
SPEED ‘And more faults than hairs,’–
LAUNCE That’s monstrous: O, that that were out!
SPEED ‘And more wealth than faults.’
LAUNCE Why, that word makes the faults gracious. Well,
I’ll have her; and if it be a match, as nothing is
impossible,–
SPEED What then?
LAUNCE Why, then will I tell thee–that thy master stays
for thee at the North-gate.
SPEED For me?
LAUNCE For thee! ay, who art thou? he hath stayed for a
better man than thee.
SPEED And must I go to him?
LAUNCE Thou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long
that going will scarce serve the turn.
SPEED Why didst not tell me sooner? pox of your love letters!
Exit
LAUNCE Now will he be swinged for reading my letter; an
unmannerly slave, that will thrust himself into
secrets! I’ll after, to rejoice in the boy’s correction.
Exit
Scene 2
The same. The DUKE’s palace.
Enter DUKE and THURIO
DUKE Sir Thurio, fear not but that she will love you,
Now Valentine is banish’d from her sight.
THURIO Since his exile she hath despised me most,
Forsworn my company and rail’d at me,
That I am desperate of obtaining her.
DUKE This weak impress of love is as a figure
Trenched in ice, which with an hour’s heat
Dissolves to water and doth lose his form.
A little time will melt her frozen thoughts
And worthless Valentine shall be forgot.
Enter PROTEUS
How now, Sir Proteus! Is your countryman
According to our proclamation gone?
PROTEUS Gone, my good lord.
DUKE My daughter takes his going grievously.
PROTEUS A little time, my lord, will kill that grief.
DUKE So I believe; but Thurio thinks not so.
Proteus, the good conceit I hold of thee–
For thou hast shown some sign of good desert–
Makes me the better to confer with thee.
PROTEUS Longer than I prove loyal to your grace
Let me not live to look upon your grace.
DUKE Thou know’st how willingly I would effect
The match between Sir Thurio and my daughter.
PROTEUS I do, my lord.
DUKE And also, I think, thou art not ignorant
How she opposes her against my will
PROTEUS She did, my lord, when Valentine was here.
DUKE Ay, and perversely she persevers so.
What might we do to make the girl forget
The love of Valentine and love Sir Thurio?
PROTEUS The best way is to slander Valentine
With falsehood, cowardice and poor descent,
Three things that women highly hold in hate.
DUKE Ay, but she’ll think that it is spoke in hate.
PROTEUS Ay, if his enemy deliver it:
Therefore it must with circumstance be spoken
By one whom she esteemeth as his friend.
DUKE Then you must undertake to slander him.
PROTEUS And that, my lord, I shall be loath to do:
‘Tis an ill office for a gentleman,
Especially against his very friend.
DUKE Where your good word cannot advantage him,
Your slander never can endamage him;
Therefore the office is indifferent,
Being entreated to it by your friend.
PROTEUS You have prevail’d, my lord; if I can do it
By ought that I can speak in his dispraise,
She shall not long continue love to him.
But say this weed her love from Valentine,
It follows not that she will love Sir Thurio.
THURIO Therefore, as you unwind her love from him,
Lest it should ravel and be good to none,
You must provide to bottom it on me;
Which must be done by praising me as much
As you in worth dispraise Sir Valentine.
DUKE And, Proteus, we dare trust you in this kind,
Because we know, on Valentine’s report,
You are already Love’s firm votary
And cannot soon revolt and change your mind.
Upon this warrant shall you have access
Where you with Silvia may confer at large;
For she is lumpish, heavy, melancholy,
And, for your friend’s sake, will be glad of you;
Where you may temper her by your persuasion
To hate young Valentine and love my friend.
PROTEUS As much as I can do, I will effect:
But you, Sir Thurio, are not sharp enough;