Those Extraordinary Twins by Mark Twain

of it! All the big cities in Europe used to set the clocks by it.”

(Laughter, suppressed by the court.)

“How do you know? That is the question. Please answer it plainly and

squarely.”

“Don’t you talk to me like that, Sim Robinson–I won’t have it. How do

I know, indeed! How do you know what you know? Because somebody told

you. You didn’t invent it out of your own head, did you? Why, these

twins are the truthfulest people in the world; and I don’t think it

becomes you to sit up there and throw slurs at them when they haven’t

been doing anything to you. And they are orphans besides–both of them.

All–”

But Aunt Betsy was up again now, and both old ladies were talking at once

and with all their might; but as the house was weltering in a storm of

laughter, and the judge was hammering his desk with an iron paper-weight,

one could only see them talk, not hear them. At last, when quiet was

restored, the court said:

“Let the ladies retire.”

“But, your honor, I have the right, in the interest of my clients,–to

cross-exam–”

“You’ll not need to exercise it, Mr. Wilson–the evidence is thrown out.”

“Thrown out!” said Aunt Patsy, ruffled; “and what’s it thrown out for,

I’d like to know.”

“And so would I, Patsy Cooper. It seems to me that if we can save these

poor persecuted strangers, it is our bounden duty to stand up here and

talk for them till–”

“There, there, there, do sit down!”

It cost some trouble and a good deal of coaxing, but they were got into

their seats at last. The trial was soon ended now. The twins themselves

became witnesses in their own defense. They established the fact, upon

oath, that the leg-power passed from one to the other every Saturday

night at twelve o’clock sharp. But or cross-examination their counsel

would not allow them to tell whose week of power the current week was.

The judge insisted upon their answering, and proposed to compel them, but

even the prosecution took fright and came to the rescue then, and helped

stay the sturdy jurist’s revolutionary hand. So the case had to go to

the jury with that important point hanging in the air. They were out an

hour and brought in this verdict:

“We the jury do find: 1, that an assault was committed, as charged;

2, that it was committed by one of the persons accused, he having been

seen to do it by several credible witnesses; 3, but that his identity is

so merged in his brother’s that we have not been able to tell which was

him. We cannot convict both, for only one is guilty. We cannot acquit

both, for only one is innocent. Our verdict is that justice has been

defeated by the dispensation of God, and ask to be discharged from

further duty.”

This was read aloud in court and brought out a burst of hearty applause.

The old ladies made a spring at the twins, to shake and congratulate, but

were gently disengaged by Mr. Wilson and softly crowded back into their

places.

The judge rose in his little tribune, laid aside his silver-bowed

spectacles, roached his gray hair up with his fingers, and said, with

dignity and solemnity, and even with a certain pathos:

“In all my experience on the bench, I have not seen justice bow her head

in shame in this court until this day. You little realize what far-

reaching harm has just been wrought here under the fickle forms of law.

Imitation is the bane of courts–I thank God that this one is free from

the contamination of that vice–and in no long time you will see the

fatal work of this hour seized upon by profligate so-called guardians of

justice in all the wide circumstance of this planet and perpetuated in

their pernicious decisions. I wash my hands of this iniquity. I would

have compelled these culprits to expose their guilt, but support failed

me where I had most right to expect aid and encouragement. And I was

confronted by a law made in the interest of crime, which protects the

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