THUNDERBALL: by Ian Fleming

“I’m not talking about yer wee bitty smoke. I’m talking ’bout this—” May gestured at the tray—“this pap.” The word was spat out with disdain. Having got this off her chest, May gathered steam. “It’s no recht for a man to be eating bairns’ food and slops and suchlike. Ye needn’t worry that I’ll talk, Mister James, but I’m knowing more about yer life than mebbe ye were wishing I did. There’s been times when they’re brought ye home from hospital and there’s talk you’ve been in a motoring accident or some such. But I’m not the old fule ye think I am, Mister James. Motoring accidents don’t make one small hole in yer shoulder or yer leg or somewhere. Why, ye’ve got scars on ye the noo—ach, ye needn’t grin like that, I’ve seen them—that could only be made by buellets. And these guns and knives and things ye carry around when ye’re off abroad. Ach!”

May put her hands on her hips. Her eyes were bright and defiant. “Ye can tell me to mind my ain business and pack me off back to Glen Orchy, but before I go I’m telling ye, Mister James, that if ye get yerself into anuither fight and ye’ve got nothing but yon muck in yer stomach, they’ll be bringing ye home in a hearse. That’s what they’ll be doing.”

In the old days, James Bond would have told May to go to hell and leave him in peace. Now, with infinite patience and good humor, he gave May a quick run through the basic tenets of “live” as against “dead” foods. “You see, May,” he said reasonably, “all these de-naturized foods—white flour, white sugar, white rice, white salts, whites of egg—these are dead foods. Either they’re dead anyway like whites of egg or they’ve had all the nourishment refined out of them. They’re slow poisons, like fried foods and cakes and coffee and heaven knows how many of the things I used to eat. And anyway, look how wonderfully well I am. I feel absolutely a new man since I took to eating the right things and gave up drink and so on. I sleep twice as well. I’ve got twice as much energy. No headaches. No muscle pains. NO hangovers. Why, a month ago there wasn’t a week went by but that on at least one day I couldn’t eat anything for breakfast but a couple of aspirins and a prairie oyster. And you know quite well that that used to make you cluck and tut-tut all over the place like an old hen. Well”—Bond raised his eyebrows amiably—“what about that?”

May was defeated. She picked up the tray and, with a stiff back made for the door. She paused on the threshold and turned round. Her eyes were bright with angry tears. “Well, all I can say is, Mr. James, that mebbe ye’re right and mebbe ye’re wrong. What worries the life out of me is that ye’re not yersel’ any more.” She went out and banged the door.

Bond sighed and picked up the paper. He said the magical words that all men say when a middle-aged woman makes a temperamental scene, “change of life,” and went back to reading about the latest reasons for not having a Summit meeting.

The telephone, the red one that was the direct line with Headquarters, gave its loud, distinctive jangle. Bond kept his eyes on the page and reached out a hand. With the Cold War easing off, it was not like the old days. This would be nothing exciting. Probably canceling his shoot at Bisley that afternoon with the new F.N. rifle.

“Bond speaking.”

It was the Chief of Staff. Bond dropped his paper on the floor. He pressed the receiver to his ear, trying, as in the old days, to read behind the words.

“At once please, James. M.”

“Something for me?”

“Something for everyone. Crash dive, and ultra hush. If you’ve got any dates for the next few weeks, better cancel them. You’ll be off tonight. See you.” The line went dead.

***

Bond had the most selfish car in England. It was a Mark II Continental Bentley that some rich idiot had married to a telegraph pole on the Great West Road. Bond had bought the bits for £1500 and Rolls had straightened the bend in the chassis and fitted new clockwork—the Mark IV engine with 9.5 compression. Then Bond had gone to Mulliners with £3000, which was half his total capital, and they had sawn off the old cramped sports saloon body and had fitted a trim, rather square convertible two-seater affair, power-operated, with only two large armed bucket seats in black leather. The rest of the blunt end was all knife-edged, rather ugly, trunk. The car was painted in rough, not gloss, battleship gray and the upholstery was black morocco. She went like a bird and a bomb and Bond loved her more than all the women at present in his life rolled, if that were feasible, together.

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