TOURIST SEASON by Carl Hiaasen

‘‘However, one item found in the debris has been conclusively identified as the property of Daniel Wilson, age thirty-six, a former professional football player who had been sought as a suspect in several recent kidnappings.”

The Orange Bowl chairman reached into a brown grocery bag and pulled out the dark-stained Miami Dolphins jersey belonging to Viceroy Wilson. At the sight of the number 31, the photographers became frenzied.

“According to Sergeant Al Garcia of the Metro-Dade police, Mr. Wilson was an active member of a small terrorist group known as Las Noches de Diciembre. This organization, also known as the Nights of December, has claimed credit for several recent kidnappings, homicides, and bombings in the Miami area, including the so-called Trifecta Massacre at the Hibiscus Kennel Club. The Nights of December also are prime suspects in a bombing incident two days ago in which a local journalist was seriously injured. We have strong reason to believe it was Mr. Wilson and three other members of this radical cell who carried out last night’s attack on the Nordic Princess, and who died in the subsequent helicopter crash. While every effort is being made to verify this information, we feel confident that a sinister and senseless threat to our community has been removed, and that the people of South Florida can celebrate the new year—and the Orange Bowl festival—without fear or worry. Thank you all very much.”

The Orange Bowl chairman sat down and wiped the back of his neck with a crisp white handkerchief. He had no intention of uttering another word, or doing anything to ruin his slick job of delivering the press release. He’d even improvised a bit, changing the distasteful and tourist-repellent phrase “oil slick” to “fuel residue” in the third paragraph.

As soon as the reporters began firing questions, the Orange Bowl chairman motioned Al Garcia to the podium.

The detective approached the long-necked microphone with extreme caution, as if it were a flame-thrower.

“What about Jesus Bernal?” a TV reporter shouted.

“No comment,” Garcia said. He felt like having a cigarette, but the chief had ordered him not to smoke in front of the cameras.

“Where did all the snakes come from?” someone asked.

“I’ve got no idea,” said Al Garcia. The sound of two dozen scribbling felt-tip pens clawed at his nerves.

“What about the banner?” a radio reporter said. “Did you find the banner?”

“No comment.”

“Where did the chopper come from?”

“No comment.”

Several reporters began to complain about all the no comments and threatened to walk out of the press conference. The Dade County mayor excitedly whispered something to the chief of police, who leaned across and excitedly whispered something to Al Garcia. The detective glared at all of them.

“Seems I’ve been authorized to answer your questions,” Garcia told the reporters, “as long as it won’t interfere with the investigation. About the helicopter—we haven’t traced it yet. It was a rebuilt Huey 34, probably stolen up in Lauderdale or Palm Beach.”

“What about Jesus Bernal?” asked a man from a Cuban radio station.

Al Garcia decided to give the guys in the orange blazers something to think about. “We have no evidence that Mr. Bernal was aboard the helicopter last night,” he said.

The Orange Bowl chairman shot to his feet. “But he probably was!”

“We have no such evidence,” Garcia repeated.

“What about the banner?” the radio reporter asked.

“We recovered it this morning, tangled up in a swordfish line. The streamer was rented yesterday afternoon from Cairo Advertising at the Opalocka Airport. Three individuals were seen attaching the letters. A white male, bearded, late thirties, wearing an Australian bush hat; a black male, approximately the same age but heavyset, wearing a football jersey; a younger, dark-skinned male, cleanshaven, described as either a Mexican or a native American Indian. The banner on the chopper basically said the same thing as all the previous communiques—’Welcome to the Revolution’ et cetera.”

“Those men seen at the airport,” a TV reporter said, “those were The Nachos?”

“Las Noches,” Garcia snapped.

“Who paid for the banner?” somebody shouted.

“Apparently the white male.”

“How much?”

The Orange Bowl chairman sensed that it had been a tactical mistake to let Al Garcia stand at the microphone. The idiot was actually answering the journalists’ questions. The more Garcia talked, the more frenetically the reporters wrote in their notebooks. And the more they wrote in their notebooks, the more stories would appear in the newspapers and the more airtime the dead Nachos would get. More was not what the Orange Bowl Committee wanted to see.

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