Even if he had screwed it beyond all imagination.
Damn him.
—iv—
DREAM OF THE DARK AND NOWHERE, a lonely and terrifying no-thing, abhorring the fabric of the ship, and the ship almost… almost violating the interface.
The ship lived a day or so while the universe ran on for weeks, while the ship’s phase envelope was the only barrier between you and that different space. You rode it tranked down, ever so vaguely aware of your own essence. When you were a kid the grownups admitted that the monsters you dreamed in transit were real, but (they said) the captain could scare the monsters off, because a kid believed in his imaginings, and a kid believed in adults just as devoutly.
But kid or adult, the mind painted its own images on the chaos—
Marie had told him pointedly there wasn’t anything to meet out there but a body’s own guilty conscience: if he minded what he was told he’d be fine and if he didn’t he’d go crazy and be all alone with his misdeeds forever. He’d told that to the other kids and scared them. Aunt Lydia had said he was too smart for his own good. Aunt Lydia had said captain Mischa should have a talk with him, but Mischa had just said don’t carry tales and don’t talk about the dreams and don’t make trouble, boy.
He dreamed about Marie sometimes. He’d dreamed about Mariner and the bar and the drunken men before he was twelve, then—it was between Fargone and Paradise, and he’d felt different things about Marie, sometimes scary, sometimes erotic, weaving back and forth in unpredictable ways, about all the things he’d heard happened, and about the things he’d read in tapes he wasn’t supposed to have.
But he stole them, all the kids did, and they’d all tangled up…
That was only normal, aunt Lydia had said, when she’d found out. It was the first time she’d ever used that word about anything he’d done, and in spite of that, he didn’t feel normal. You didn’t have dreams like that about your mother and feel normal.
But Marie had said, with rare (for Marie) calm, that he was growing up and he was confusing things, which was, for once, a better explanation than aunt Lydia gave. Marie gave him tapes, too, deep-tape, the same quality you used for school.
Only the tape gave him dreams and for a long time he dreamed about a robot, a wire-diagram woman who wasn’t anybody in particular. She had a metal face, and he used to want her to sit on the end of his bunk and talk to him, not about sex, finally, just about stuff and about things he liked to do and where they traveled. She was a friendly sort of craziness, that lived in Marie’s apartment and in his own quarters. Sometimes she had sex with him. And sometimes she just talked, sleeping by him, about ports they might go to someday.
But the metal-faced dream had died when he’d slept with his Polly crewwoman. Or she’d gotten Sheila’s face and become Sheila Barr, because the metal girl didn’t ever come back again. He could just see her sort of standing forlornly behind Sheila’s shoulder, looking a little curious and a little like the expression he saw in mirrors…
So maybe his wire-woman had become him, in some strange way.
But he’d damned sure never told Sheila who he dreamed she was, and never admitted it to aunt Lydia, who was so firmly, devoutly, desperately attached to other people’s sanity.
Marie might have said, on the other hand, Hell, at least she won’t get pregnant, and probably wished his wire-woman good morning at the breakfast table and asked did she want tea.
That was the way Marie had dealt with his childish fancies, made fun of them and sometimes fallen in with them. She said they were all right, she’d introduce them to hers sometime, and that had scared him, because he didn’t think he wanted to meet Marie’s dreams, in this space or any other.
But sometimes—often—you felt a sexual dream coming when you were falling into jump. Psychs like aunt Lydia always said, Don’t do it,—particularly if you aimed at being operational crew, because if you ever got into that habit, it happened too easily and you might not come back in time to handle operations… addictive, they said.