To their benumbed wills, resist the same,
There is a law in each well-order’d nation
To curb those raging appetites that are
Most disobedient and refractory.
If Helen then be wife to Sparta’s king,
As it is known she is, these moral laws
Of nature and of nations speak aloud
To have her back return’d: thus to persist
In doing wrong extenuates not wrong,
But makes it much more heavy. Hector’s opinion
Is this in way of truth; yet ne’ertheless,
My spritely brethren, I propend to you
In resolution to keep Helen still,
For ’tis a cause that hath no mean dependance
Upon our joint and several dignities.
TROILUS Why, there you touch’d the life of our design:
Were it not glory that we more affected
Than the performance of our heaving spleens,
I would not wish a drop of Trojan blood
Spent more in her defence. But, worthy Hector,
She is a theme of honour and renown,
A spur to valiant and magnanimous deeds,
Whose present courage may beat down our foes,
And fame in time to come canonize us;
For, I presume, brave Hector would not lose
So rich advantage of a promised glory
As smiles upon the forehead of this action
For the wide world’s revenue.
HECTOR I am yours,
You valiant offspring of great Priamus.
I have a roisting challenge sent amongst
The dun and factious nobles of the Greeks
Will strike amazement to their drowsy spirits:
I was advertised their great general slept,
Whilst emulation in the army crept:
This, I presume, will wake him.
Exeunt
Scene 3
The Grecian camp. Before Achilles’ tent.
Enter THERSITES, solus
THERSITES How now, Thersites! what lost in the labyrinth of
thy fury! Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? He
beats me, and I rail at him: O, worthy satisfaction!
would it were otherwise; that I could beat him,
whilst he railed at me. ‘Sfoot, I’ll learn to
conjure and raise devils, but I’ll see some issue of
my spiteful execrations. Then there’s Achilles, a
rare enginer! If Troy be not taken till these two
undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of
themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus,
forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods and,
Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy
caduceus, if ye take not that little, little less
than little wit from them that they have! which
short-armed ignorance itself knows is so abundant
scarce, it will not in circumvention deliver a fly
from a spider, without drawing their massy irons and
cutting the web. After this, the vengeance on the
whole camp! or rather, the bone-ache! for that,
methinks, is the curse dependent on those that war
for a placket. I have said my prayers and devil Envy
say Amen. What ho! my Lord Achilles!
Enter PATROCLUS
PATROCLUS Who’s there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come in and rail.
THERSITES If I could have remembered a gilt counterfeit, thou
wouldst not have slipped out of my contemplation: but
it is no matter; thyself upon thyself! The common
curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in
great revenue! heaven bless thee from a tutor, and
discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy
direction till thy death! then if she that lays thee
out says thou art a fair corse, I’ll be sworn and
sworn upon’t she never shrouded any but lazars.
Amen. Where’s Achilles?
PATROCLUS What, art thou devout? wast thou in prayer?
THERSITES Ay: the heavens hear me!
Enter ACHILLES
ACHILLES Who’s there?
PATROCLUS Thersites, my lord.
ACHILLES Where, where? Art thou come? why, my cheese, my
digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to
my table so many meals? Come, what’s Agamemnon?
THERSITES Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus,
what’s Achilles?
PATROCLUS Thy lord, Thersites: then tell me, I pray thee,
what’s thyself?
THERSITES Thy knower, Patroclus: then tell me, Patroclus,
what art thou?
PATROCLUS Thou mayst tell that knowest.
ACHILLES O, tell, tell.
THERSITES I’ll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands
Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus’
knower, and Patroclus is a fool.
PATROCLUS You rascal!
THERSITES Peace, fool! I have not done.
ACHILLES He is a privileged man. Proceed, Thersites.
THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites
is a fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.
ACHILLES Derive this; come.
THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles;
Achilles is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon;
Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool, and
Patroclus is a fool positive.
PATROCLUS Why am I a fool?
THERSITES Make that demand of the prover. It suffices me thou
art. Look you, who comes here?
ACHILLES Patroclus, I’ll speak with nobody.
Come in with me, Thersites.
Exit
THERSITES Here is such patchery, such juggling and such
knavery! all the argument is a cuckold and a
whore; a good quarrel to draw emulous factions
and bleed to death upon. Now, the dry serpigo on
the subject! and war and lechery confound all!
Exit
Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES, and AJAX
AGAMEMNON Where is Achilles?
PATROCLUS Within his tent; but ill disposed, my lord.
AGAMEMNON Let it be known to him that we are here.
He shent our messengers; and we lay by
Our appertainments, visiting of him:
Let him be told so; lest perchance he think
We dare not move the question of our place,
Or know not what we are.
PATROCLUS I shall say so to him.
Exit
ULYSSES We saw him at the opening of his tent:
He is not sick.
AJAX Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart: you may call it
melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my
head, ’tis pride: but why, why? let him show us the
cause. A word, my lord.
Takes AGAMEMNON aside
NESTOR What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?
ULYSSES Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.
NESTOR Who, Thersites?
ULYSSES He.
NESTOR Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument.
ULYSSES No, you see, he is his argument that has his
argument, Achilles.
NESTOR All the better; their fraction is more our wish than
their faction: but it was a strong composure a fool
could disunite.
ULYSSES The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily
untie. Here comes Patroclus.
Re-enter PATROCLUS
NESTOR No Achilles with him.
ULYSSES The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy:
his legs are legs for necessity, not for flexure.
PATROCLUS Achilles bids me say, he is much sorry,
If any thing more than your sport and pleasure
Did move your greatness and this noble state
To call upon him; he hopes it is no other
But for your health and your digestion sake,
And after-dinner’s breath.
AGAMEMNON Hear you, Patroclus:
We are too well acquainted with these answers:
But his evasion, wing’d thus swift with scorn,
Cannot outfly our apprehensions.
Much attribute he hath, and much the reason
Why we ascribe it to him; yet all his virtues,
Not virtuously on his own part beheld,
Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss,
Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,
Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him,
We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin,
If you do say we think him over-proud
And under-honest, in self-assumption greater
Than in the note of judgment; and worthier
than himself
Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,
Disguise the holy strength of their command,
And underwrite in an observing kind
His humorous predominance; yea, watch
His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if
The passage and whole carriage of this action
Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add,
That if he overhold his price so much,
We’ll none of him; but let him, like an engine
Not portable, lie under this report:
‘Bring action hither, this cannot go to war:
A stirring dwarf we do allowance give
Before a sleeping giant.’ Tell him so.
PATROCLUS I shall; and bring his answer presently.
Exit
AGAMEMNON In second voice we’ll not be satisfied;
We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you.
Exit ULYSSES
AJAX What is he more than another?
AGAMEMNON No more than what he thinks he is.
AJAX Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a
better man than I am?
AGAMEMNON No question.
AJAX Will you subscribe his thought, and say he is?
AGAMEMNON No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as
wise, no less noble, much more gentle, and altogether
more tractable.
AJAX Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I
know not what pride is.
AGAMEMNON Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the
fairer. He that is proud eats up himself: pride is
his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle;
and whatever praises itself but in the deed, devours
the deed in the praise.
AJAX I do hate a proud man, as I hate the engendering of toads.