Vonnegut, Kurt – Player Piano

OLD MAN. (Severely) I will not tolerate any further interruptions from you. The issues are far graver than I thought. (To radical) Please proceed.

RADICAL. Go ahead, John.

JOHN. Well, sir, that’s just about it. Kind of summing up, seems like these days the engineers and managers and the like are everything, and the average man is just nothing any more.

RADICAL. (Pretends to be overcome by the tragedy of John’s testimony. After seemingly searching for words and struggling with emotion for thirty seconds, he at last speaks, choked up and angry.) Star of wonder, star of might; star of wondrous beauty bright. Take it down. (Shakes fist.) Take it down! (Gestures at John.) We’ve heard the voice of the people – the people, yes. “Take it down!” they say. Who is it that says, “Leave it up?” Who? Not John, not the people. Who? (Dramatically, he produces a pamphlet from his breast pocket.) Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury (reads from pamphlet), at the start of the war, the average income for engineers and managers in this great land of ours was $8,449.27. Now, on this poisoned night, as the black star reaches its zenith, eighty per cent of John Averageman’s pay check has been wrenched from him. And what is the average pay check for engineers and managers, you ask? (Reads from the pamphlet again, with bitter emphasis on every syllable.) Fifty-seven thousand eight hundred and ninety-six dollars and forty-one cents! (Explosively.) Your witness! Ў@(Radical slinks over to the far post and leans against it to watch contemptuously.)

YOUNG ENG. (Softly, kindly) John.

JOHN. (Suspiciously, hostilely) Yessir?

YOUNG ENG. John, tell me – when you had this large income, before the star arose, did you by any chance have a twenty-eight-inch television set?

JOHN. (Puzzled) No, sir.

YOUNG ENG. Or a laundry console or a radar stove or an electronic dust precipitator?

JOHN. No, sir, I didn’t. Them things were for the rich folks.

YOUNG ENG. And tell me, John, when you had all that money, did you have a social insurance package that paid all of your medical bills, all of your dentist bills, and provided for food, housing, clothes, and pocket money in your old age?

JOHN. No, sir. There wasn’t no such thing then, in those days.

YOUNG ENG. But you have them now, now that the (sarcastically) black star has risen, haven’t you?

JOHN. Yessir, that’s right, I do. But –

YOUNG ENG. John, you’ve heard of Julius Caesar? Good, you have. John, do you suppose that Caesar, with all his power and wealth, with the world at his feet, do you suppose he had what you, Mr. Averageman, have today?

JOHN. (Surprised) Come to think of it, he didn’t. Huh! What do you know?

RADICAL. (Furiously) I object! What has Caesar got to do with it?

YOUNG ENG. Your honor, the point I was trying to make was that John, here, since the star in question has risen, has become far richer than the wildest dreams of Caesar or Napoleon or Henry VIII! Or any emperor in history! Thirty dollars, John – yes, that is how much money you make. But, not with all his gold and armies could Charlemagne have gotten one single electric lamp or vacuum tube! He would have given anything to get the security and health package you have, John. But could he get it? No!

JOHN. Well, for heaven’s sakes! But –

YOUNG ENG. (Anticipates John’s objection.) But the engineers and managers have forgotten Mr. Averageman?

JOHN. Yessir, that’s what I was going to say.

YOUNG ENG. John, do you know that no manager or engineer would have a job if it weren’t for you? How could we forget you for even a minute, when every minute of our lives is spent trying to give you what you want! Do you know who my boss is, John?

JOHN. Don’t believe I ever met the gentleman.

YOUNG ENG. (Smiling) Oh, I think maybe you have. He’s you, John! If I can’t give you what you want, I’m through. We’re all through, and down comes the star.

JOHN. (Blushing) Gosh, I never looked at it quite that way before, sir. (Laughs modestly.) But I guess that’s right, isn’t it? What do you know about that? But –

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