WHAT IS MAN? AND OTHER ESSAYS OF MARK TWAIN

What did Mr. Barclay do then? Was he disarmed? Was he

silenced? No. He was shocked. He was so shocked that he

visibly shuddered. He said the Satanic Traditioners and

Perhapsers and Conjecturers were THEMSELVES sacred! As sacred as

their work. So sacred that whoso ventured to mock them or make

fun of their work, could not afterward enter any respectable

house, even by the back door.

How true were his words, and how wise! How fortunate it

would have been for me if I had heeded them. But I was young, I

was but seven years of age, and vain, foolish, and anxious to

attract attention. I wrote the biography, and have never been in

a respectable house since.

III

How curious and interesting is the parallel–as far as

poverty of biographical details is concerned–between Satan and

Shakespeare. It is wonderful, it is unique, it stands quite

alone, there is nothing resembling it in history, nothing

resembling it in romance, nothing approaching it even in

tradition. How sublime is their position, and how over-topping,

how sky-reaching, how supreme–the two Great Unknowns, the two

Illustrious Conjecturabilities! They are the best-known unknown

persons that have ever drawn breath upon the planet.

For the instruction of the ignorant I will make a list, now,

of those details of Shakespeare’s history which are FACTS–

verified facts, established facts, undisputed facts.

Facts

He was born on the 23d of April, 1564.

Of good farmer-class parents who could not read, could not

write, could not sign their names.

At Stratford, a small back settlement which in that day was

shabby and unclean, and densely illiterate. Of the nineteen

important men charged with the government of the town, thirteen

had to “make their mark” in attesting important documents,

because they could not write their names.

Of the first eighteen years of his life NOTHING is known.

They are a blank.

On the 27th of November (1582) William Shakespeare took out

a license to marry Anne Whateley.

Next day William Shakespeare took out a license to marry

Anne Hathaway. She was eight years his senior.

William Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway. In a hurry. By

grace of a reluctantly granted dispensation there was but one

publication of the banns.

Within six months the first child was born.

About two (blank) years followed, during which period

NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENED TO SHAKESPEARE, so far as anybody knows.

Then came twins–1585. February.

Two blank years follow.

Then–1587–he makes a ten-year visit to London, leaving the family behind.

Five blank years follow. During this period NOTHING

HAPPENED TO HIM, as far as anybody actually knows.

Then–1592–there is mention of him as an actor.

Next year–1593–his name appears in the official list of players.

Next year–1594–he played before the queen. A detail of no

consequence: other obscurities did it every year of the forty-

five of her reign. And remained obscure.

Three pretty full years follow. Full of play-acting. Then*

In 1597 he bought New Place, Stratford.

Thirteen or fourteen busy years follow; years in which he

accumulated money, and also reputation as actor and manager.

Meantime his name, liberally and variously spelt, had

become associated with a number of great plays and poems, as

(ostensibly) author of the same.

Some of these, in these years and later, were pirated, but

he made no protest.

Then–1610-11–he returned to Stratford and settled down for

good and all, and busied himself in lending money, trading in

tithes, trading in land and houses; shirking a debt of forty-one

shillings, borrowed by his wife during his long desertion of his

family; suing debtors for shillings and coppers; being sued

himself for shillings and coppers; and acting as confederate to a

neighbor who tried to rob the town of its rights in a certain

common, and did not succeed.

He lived five or six years–till 1616–in the joy of these

elevated pursuits. Then he made a will, and signed each of its

three pages with his name.

A thoroughgoing business man’s will. It named in minute

detail every item of property he owned in the world–houses,

lands, sword, silver-gilt bowl, and so on–all the way down to

his “second-best bed” and its furniture.

It carefully and calculatingly distributed his riches among

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