“My dear, how many pence are there in SIXPENCE?”
“I cannot tell, sir,” was the half-terrified reply.
On this, addressing himself to Mrs. Gastrel, he said:
“Now, my dear lady, can anything be more ridiculous than to
teach a child Cato’s Soliloquy, who does not know how many pence
there are in a sixpence?”
In a lecture before the Royal Geographical Society Professor
Ravenstein quoted the following list of frantic questions, and
said that they had been asked in an examination:
Mention all names of places in the world derived from Julius
Caesar or Augustus Caesar.
Where are the following rivers: Pisuerga, Sakaria,
Guadalete, Jalon, Mulde?
All you know of the following: Machacha, Pilmo, Schebulos,
Crivoscia, Basces, Mancikert, Taxhem, Citeaux, Meloria, Zutphen.
The highest peaks of the Karakorum range.
The number of universities in Prussia.
Why are the tops of mountains continually covered with snow [sic]?
Name the length and breadth of the streams of lava which
issued from the Skaptar Jokul in the eruption of 1783.
That list would oversize nearly anybody’s geographical
knowledge. Isn’t it reasonably possible that in our schools many
of the questions in all studies are several miles ahead of where
the pupil is?–that he is set to struggle with things that are
ludicrously beyond his present reach, hopelessly beyond his
present strength? This remark in passing, and by way of text;
now I come to what I was going to say.
I have just now fallen upon a darling literary curiosity.
It is a little book, a manuscript compilation, and the compiler
sent it to me with the request that I say whether I think it
ought to be published or not. I said, Yes; but as I slowly grow
wise I briskly grow cautious; and so, now that the publication is
imminent, it has seemed to me that I should feel more comfortable
if I could divide up this responsibility with the public by
adding them to the court. Therefore I will print some extracts
from the book, in the hope that they may make converts to my
judgment that the volume has merit which entitles it to publication.
As to its character. Every one has sampled “English as She
is Spoke” and “English as She is Wrote”; this little volume
furnishes us an instructive array of examples of “English as She
is Taught”–in the public schools of–well, this country. The
collection is made by a teacher in those schools, and all the
examples in it are genuine; none of them have been tampered with,
or doctored in any way. From time to time, during several years,
whenever a pupil has delivered himself of anything peculiarly
quaint or toothsome in the course of his recitations, this
teacher and her associates have privately set that thing down in
a memorandum-book; strictly following the original, as to
grammar, construction, spelling, and all; and the result is this
literary curiosity.
The contents of the book consist mainly of answers given by
the boys and girls to questions, said answers being given
sometimes verbally, sometimes in writing. The subjects touched
upon are fifteen in number: I. Etymology; II. Grammar; III.
Mathematics; IV. Geography; V. “Original”; VI. Analysis; VII.
History; VIII. “Intellectual”; IX. Philosophy; X. Physiology; XI.
Astronomy; XII. Politics; XIII. Music; XIV. Oratory; XV.
Metaphysics.
You perceive that the poor little young idea has taken a
shot at a good many kinds of game in the course of the book. Now
as to results. Here are some quaint definitions of words. It
will be noticed that in all of these instances the sound of the
word, or the look of it on paper, has misled the child:
ABORIGINES, a system of mountains.
ALIAS, a good man in the Bible.
AMENABLE, anything that is mean.
AMMONIA, the food of the gods.
ASSIDUITY, state of being an acid.
AURIFEROUS, pertaining to an orifice.
CAPILLARY, a little caterpillar.
CORNIFEROUS, rocks in which fossil corn is found.
EMOLUMENT, a headstone to a grave.
EQUESTRIAN, one who asks questions.
EUCHARIST, one who plays euchre.
FRANCHISE, anything belonging to the French.
IDOLATER, a very idle person.
IPECAC, a man who likes a good dinner.
IRRIGATE, to make fun of.
MENDACIOUS, what can be mended.