BOOTHBY GRAFFOE
1. The man in the pub who slaps people on the back as if they were old friends, when in fact he has no friends, largely on account of this habit. 2. Any story told by Robert Morley on chat shows.
BOSCASTLE
A huge pyramid of tin cans placed just inside the entrance to a supermarket.
BOSEMAN
One who spends all day loafing about near pedestrian crossing looking as if he’s about to cross.
BOTCHERBY
The principle by which British roads are signposted.
BOTLEY
The prominent stain on a man’s trouser crotch seen on his return from the lavatory. A botley proper is caused by an accident with the push taps, and should not be confused with any stain caused by insufficient waggling of the willy.
BOTOLPHS
Huge benign tumours which archdeacons and old chemisty teachers affect to wear on the sides of their noses.
BOTUSFLEMING
A small, long-handled steel trowel used by surgeons to remove the contents of a patient’s nostrils prior to a sinus operation.
BRADFORD
A school teacher’s old hairy jacket, now severely discoloured by chalk dust, ink, egg and the precipitations of unedifying chemical reactions.
BRADWORTHY
One who is skilled in the art of naming loaves.
BRECON
That part of the toenail which is designed to snag on nylon sheets.
BRISBANE
A perfectly reasonable explanation (Such as the one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke fifty cigarettes a day.)
BROATS
A pair of trousers with a career behind them. Broats are most commonly seen on elderly retired army officers. Originally the brats were part of their best suit back in the thirties; then in the fifties they were demounted and used for gardening. Recently pensions not being what they were, the broats have been called out of retirement and reinstated as part of the best suit again.
BROMPTON
A bromton is that which is said to have been committed when you are convinced you are about to blow off with a resounding trumpeting noise in a public place and all that actually slips out is a tiny ‘pfpt’.
BROMSGROVE
Any urban environment containing a small amount of dogturd and about fortyfive tons of bent steel pylon or a lump of concrete with holes claiming to be sculpture. ‘Oh, come my dear, and come with me. And wander ‘neath the bromsgrove tree’ – Betjeman.
BROUGH SOWERBY
One who has been working at that same desk in the same office for fifteen years and has very much his own ideas about why he is continually passed over for promotion.
BRUMBY
The fake antique plastic seal on a pretentious whisky bottle.
BRYMBO
The single unappetising bun left in a baker’s shop after four p.m.
BUDBY
A nipple clearly defined through flimsy or wet material.
BUDE A polite joke reserved for use in the presence of vicars.
BULDOOO
a virulent red-coloured pus which generally accompanies clonmult (q.v.) and sandberge (q.v.)
BURBAGE
The sound made by a liftful of people all trying to breathe politely through their noses.
BURES
The scabs on knees and elbows formed by a compulsion to make love on cheap Habitat floor-matting.
BURLESTON
That peculiarly tuneless humming and whistling adopted by people who are extremely angry.
BURLINGJOBB
A seventeenth-century crime by which excrement is thrown into the street from a ground-floor window.
BURNT YATES
Condition to which yates (q.v.) will suddenly pass without any apparent interviewing period, after the spirit of the throckmorton (q.v.) has finally been summoned by incessant throcking (q.v.)
BURSLEDON
The bluebottle one is too tired to get up and start, but not tired enough to sleep through.
BURTON COGGLES
A bunch of keys found in a drawer whose purpose has long been forgotten, and which can therefore now be used only for dropping down people’s backs as a cure for nose-bleeds.
BURWASH
The pleasurable cool sloosh of puddle water over the toes of your gumboots.
CAARNDUNCAN (n.)
The high-pitched and insistent cry of the young female human urging one of its peer group to do something dangerous on a cliff-edge or piece of toxic waste ground.
CAIRNPAT (n.)
A large piece of dried dung found in mountainous terrain above the cowline which leads the experienced tracker to believe that hikers have recently passed.