A Burlesque Autobiography by Mark Twain

avail.

The saddest heart in all that great assemblage was in Conrad’s breast.

The gladdest was in his father’s. For, unknown to his daughter “Conrad,”

the old Baron Klugenstein was come, and was among the crowd of nobles,

triumphant in the swelling fortunes of his house.

After the heralds had made due proclamation and the other preliminaries

had followed, the venerable Lord Chief justice said:

“Prisoner, stand forth!”

The unhappy princess rose and stood unveiled before the vast multitude.

The Lord Chief Justice continued:

“Most noble lady, before the great judges of this realm it hath been

charged and proven that out of holy wedlock your Grace hath given birth

unto a child,; and by our ancient law the penalty is death, excepting in

one sole contingency, whereof his Grace the acting Duke, our good Lord

Conrad, will advertise you in his solemn sentence now; wherefore, give

heed.”

Conrad stretched forth the reluctant sceptre, and in the self-same moment

the womanly heart beneath his robe yearned pityingly toward the doomed

prisoner, and the tears came into his eyes. He opened his lips to speak,

but the Lord Chief Justice said quickly:

“Not there, your Grace, not there! It is not lawful to pronounce

judgment upon any of the ducal line SAVE FROM THE DUCAL THRONE!”

A shudder went to the heart of poor Conrad, and a tremor shook the iron

frame of his old father likewise. CONRAD HAD NOT BEEN CROWNED–dared he

profane the throne? He hesitated and turned pale with fear. But it must

be done. Wondering eyes were already upon him. They would be suspicious

eyes if he hesitated longer. He ascended the throne. Presently he

stretched forth the sceptre again, and said:

Prisoner, in the name of our sovereign lord, Ulrich, Duke of

Brandenburgh, I proceed to the solemn duty that hath devolved upon me.

Give heed to my words. By the ancient law of the land, except you

produce the partner of your guilt and deliver him up to the executioner,

you must surely die. Embrace this opportunity–save yourself while yet

you may. Name the father of your child!”

A solemn hush fell upon the great court–a silence so profound that men

could hear their own hearts beat. Then the princess slowly turned, with

eyes gleaming with hate, and pointing her finger straight at Conrad,

said:

“Thou art the man!”

An appalling conviction of his helpless, hopeless peril struck a chill to

Conrad’s heart like the chill of death itself. What power on earth could

save him! To disprove the charge, he must reveal that he was a woman;

and for an uncrowned woman to sit in the ducal chair was death! At one

and the same moment, he and his grim old father swooned and fell to, the

ground.

[The remainder of this thrilling and eventful story will NOT be found in

this or any other publication, either now or at any future time.]

The truth is, I have got my hero (or heroine) into such a particularly

close place, that I do not see how I am ever going to get him (or her)

out of it again–and therefore I will wash my hands of the whole

business, and leave that person to get out the best way that offers–or

else stay there. I thought it was going to be easy enough to straighten

out that little difficulty, but it looks different now.

[If Harper’s Weekly or the New York Tribune desire to copy these initial

chapters into the, reading columns of their valuable journals, just as

they do the opening chapters of Ledger and New York Weekly novels, they

are at liberty to do so at the usual rates, provided they “trust.”]

MARK TWAIN

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