Was everything all right?
This was my first chance to say things were a country mile from all but Mr. Harold Oblowski of 225 Park Avenue wasn’t the sort of man you said such things to. He was a fine agent, both liked and loathed in publishing circles (sometimes by the same people at the same time), but he didn’t adapt well to bad news from the dark and oil.treaked levels where the goods were actually produced. He would have freaked and been on the next plane to Derry, ready to give me creative mouth-to-mouth, adamant in his resolve not to leave until he had yanked me out of my fugue. No, I liked Harold right where he was, in his thirty-eighth-floor office with its kickass view of the East Side.
I told him what a coincidence, Harold, you calling on the very day I finished the new one, gosharooty, how ’bout that, I’ll send it out FedEx, you’ll have it tomorrow. Harold assured me solemnly that there was no coincidence about it, that where his writers were concerned, he was telepathic. Then he congratulated me and hung up. Two hours later I received his bouquet-every bit as fulsome and silky as one of his Jimmy Hollywood ascots.
After putting the flowers in the dining room, where I rarely went since Jo died, I went down to Fidelity Union. I used my key, the bank manager used his, and soon enough I was on my way to FedEx with the manuscript of All the Way from the Top. I took the most recent book because it was the one closest to the front of the box, that’s all. In November it was published just in time for the Christmas rush. I dedicated it to the memory of my late, beloved wife, Johanna. It went to number
eleven on the Times bestseller list, and everyone went home happy. Even me. Because things would get better, wouldn’t they? No one had terminal writer’s block, did they (well, with the possible exception of Harper Lee)? All I had to do was relax, as the chorus girl said to the archbishop. And thank God I’d been a good squirrel and saved up my nuts.
I was still optimistic the following year when I drove down to the Federal Express office with Threatening Behavior. That one was written in the fall of 1991, and had been one of Jo’s favorites.
Optimism had faded quite a little bit by March of 1997, when I drove through a wet snowstorm with Darcy’s Admirer, although when people asked me how it was going (‘Writing any good books lately?’ is the existential way most seem to phrase the question), I still answered good, fine, yeah, writing lots of good books lately, they’re pouring out of me like shit out of a cow’s ass.
After Harold had read Darcy and pronounced it my best ever, a best-seller which was also serious, I hesitantly broached the idea of taking a year off. He responded immediately with the question I detest above all others: was I all right? Sure, I told him, fine as freckles, just thinking about easing off a little.
There followed one of those patented Harold Oblowski silences, which were meant to convey that you were being a terrific asshole, but because Harold liked you so much, he was trying to think of the gentlest possible way of telling you so. This is a wonderful trick, but one I saw through about six years ago. Actually, it was Jo who saw through it. ‘He’s only pretending compassion,’ she said.
‘Actually, he’s like a cop in one of those old film noir movies, keeping his mouth shut so you’ll blunder ahead and end up confessing to everything.’
This time I kept my mouth shut — just switched the phone from my right ear to my left, and rocked back a little further in my office chair. When I did, my eye fell on the framed photograph over my computer — Sara Laughs, our place on Dark Score Lake. I hadn’t been there in eons, and for a moment I consciously wondered why.
Then Harold’s voice — cautious, comforting, the voice of a sane man trying to talk a lunatic out of what he hopes will be no more than a passing delusion — was back in my ear. ‘That might not be a good idea, Mike — not at this stage of your career.’
‘This isn’t a stage,’ I said. ‘I peaked in 1991 — since then, my sales haven’t really gone up or down. This is a plateau, Harold.’
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘and writers who’ve reached that steady state really only have two choices in terms of sales — they can continue as they are, or they can go down.’
So I go down, I thought of saying . . . but didn’t. I didn’t want Harold to know exactly how deep this went, or how shaky the ground under me was. I didn’t want him to know that I was now having heart palpitations-yes, I mean this literally — almost every time I opened the Word Six program on my computer and looked at the blank screen and flashing cursor.
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Okay. Message received.’
‘You’re sure you’re all right?’
‘Does the book read like I’m wrong, Harold?’
‘Hell, no — it’s a helluva yarn. Your personal best, I told you. A great read but also fucking serious shit. If Saul Bellow wrote romantic suspense fiction, this is what he’d write. But . . . you’re not having any trouble with :the next one, are you? I know you’re still missing Jo, hell, we all are
— ‘
‘No,’ I said. ‘No trouble at all.’ Another of those long silences ensued. I endured it. At last Harold said, ‘Grisham could afford to take a year off. Clancy could. Thomas Harris, the long silences are a part of his mystique. But where you are, life is even tougher than at the very top, Mike. There are five writers for every one of those spots down on the list, and you know who they are — hell,
they’re your neighbors three months a year. Some are going up, the way Patricia Cornwell went up with her last two books, some are going down, and some are staying steady, like you. If Tom Clancy were to go on hiatus for five years and then bring Jack Ryan back, he’d come back strong, no argument. If you go on hiatus for five years, maybe you don’t come back at all. My advice is — ‘
‘Make hay while the sun shines.’
‘Took the words right out of my mouth.’
We talked a little more, then said our goodbyes. I leaned back further in my office chair — not all the way to the tip over point but close — and looked at the photo of our western Maine retreat.
Sara Laughs, sort of like the title of that hoary old Hall and Oates ballad. Jo had loved it more, true enough, but only by a little, so why had I been staying away? Bill Dean, the caretaker, took down the storm shutters every spring and put them back up every fall, drained the pipes in the fall and made sure the pump was running in the spring, checked the generator and took care to see that all the maintenance tags were current, anchored the swimming float fifty yards or so off our little lick of beach after each Memorial Day.
Bill had the chimney cleaned in the early summer of ’96, although there hadn’t been a fire in the fireplace for two years or more. I paid him quarterly, as is the custom with caretakers in that part of the world; Bill Dean, old Yankee from a long line of them, cashed my checks and didn’t ask why I never used my place anymore. I’d only been down two or three times since Jo died, and not a single overnight. Good thing Bill didn’t ask, because I don’t know what answer I would have given him. I hadn’t even really thought about Sara Laughs until my conversation with Harold.
Thinking of Harold, I looked away from the photo and back at the phone. Imagined saying to him, So I go down, so what? The world comes to an end? Please. It isn’t as if I had a wife and family to support — the wife died in a drugstore parking lot, if you please (or even if you don’t please), and the kid we wanted so badly and tried for so long went with her, I don’t crave the fame, either — if writers who fill the lower slots on the Times bestseller list can be said to be famous —
and I don’t fall asleep dreaming of book club sales. So why? Why does it even bother me?
But that last one I could answer. Because it felt like giving up. Because without my wife and my work, I was a superfluous man living alone in a big house that was all paid for, doing nothing but the newspaper crossword over lunch.