“That’s enough! That’s too much!” the redfaced president of the court shrieked, and pounded so hard that the gavel broke and he hurled the pieces across the room. “Clear this court of all spectators and witnesses. It is the judgment of this court that the rest of this trial will be conducted by rules of precedence without witnesses or evidence admitted.” He flashed a quick look around at his accomplices, who all nodded solemn agreement. “Therefore the defendant is found guilty and will be shot as soon as he can be dragged to the shooting gallery.”
The officers of the court were already pushing back their chairs to go when O’Brien’s slow voice stopped them.
“It is of course within the jurisdiction of this court to try a case in the manner so prescribed, but it is also necessary to quote the pertinent article of precedent before judgment is passed.”
The president sighed and sat down again. “I wish you wouldn’t try to be so difficult, Captain, you know the regulations just as well as I do. But if you insist. Pablo, read it to them.”
The law officer flipped through a thick volume on his desk, found his place with his finger, then read aloud.
“Articles of War, Military Regulations, paragraph, page, etc. etc. … yes, here it is, paragraph 298-B … `If any enlisted man shall absent himself from his post of duty for over a period of one standard year he is to be judged guilty of desertion even if absent in person from the trial and the penalty for desertion is painful death.”
“That seems clear enough. Any more questions?” the president asked.
“No questions; I would just like to quote a precedent” O’Brien had placed a high stack of thick books before him and was reading from the topmost one. “Here it is, Buck Private Lovenvig versus. the United States Army Air Corps, Texas, 1944. It is stated here that Lovenvig was AWOL for a period of fourteen months, then was dicovered in a hiding place above the ceiling of the mess hall from whence he descended only in the small hours of the night to eat and to drink of the stores therein and to empty his potty. Since he had not left the base he could not be judged AWOL or be a deserter and could receive only company punishment of a most minor kind.”
The officers of the court had seated themselves again and were all watching the law officer, who was flipping quickly through his own books. He finally emerged with a smile and a reference of his own.
“All of that is correct, Captain, except for the fact that the accused here did absent himself from his assigned station, the Transit Rankers’ Center, and was at large upon the planet Helior.”
“All of which is correct, sir,” O’Brien said, whipping out yet another volume and waving it over his head. `But in Dragsted versus the Imperial Navy Billeting Corps, Helior, 8832, it was agreed that for purposes of legal definition the planet Helior was to be defined as the City of Helior, and the City of Helior was to be defined as the planet Helior.”
“All of which is undoubtedly true,” the president interrupted, “but totally beside the point. They have no bearing upon the present case and I’ll ask you to snap it up, Captain, because I have a golf appointment.”
“You can tee off in ten minutes, sir, if you allow both those precedents to stand. I then introduce one last item, a document drawn up by Fleet Admiral Marmoset-”
“Why, that’s me!” the president gasped.
“-at the onset of hostilities with the Chingers when the City of Helior was declared under martial law and considered to be a single military establishment. I therefore submit that the accused is innocent of the charge of desertion since he never left this planet, therefore he never left this city, therefore he never left his post of duty.”
A heavy silence fell and was finally broken by the president’s worried voice as he turned to the law officer. “Is what this bowb says true, Pablo? Can’t we shoot the guy?”
The law officer was sweating as he searched feverishly through his law books, then finally pushed them from him and answered in a bitter voice. “True enough and no way out of it. This Arabic-Jewish-Irish con man has got us by the short hair. The accused is innocent of the charges.”