had rousted out our system, sure enough. He got me to describe our
planet and its distance from the sun, and then he says to his chief
–
“Oh, I know the one he means, now, sir. It is on the map. It is
called the Wart.”
Says I to myself, “Young man, it wouldn’t be wholesome for you to
go down THERE and call it the Wart.”
Well, they let me in, then, and told me I was safe forever and
wouldn’t have any more trouble.
Then they turned from me and went on with their work, the same as
if they considered my case all complete and shipshape. I was a
good deal surprised at this, but I was diffident about speaking up
and reminding them. I did so hate to do it, you know; it seemed a
pity to bother them, they had so much on their hands. Twice I
thought I would give up and let the thing go; so twice I started to
leave, but immediately I thought what a figure I should cut
stepping out amongst the redeemed in such a rig, and that made me
hang back and come to anchor again. People got to eying me –
clerks, you know – wondering why I didn’t get under way. I
couldn’t stand this long – it was too uncomfortable. So at last I
plucked up courage and tipped the head clerk a signal. He says –
“What! you here yet? What’s wanting?”
Says I, in a low voice and very confidential, making a trumpet with
my hands at his ear –
“I beg pardon, and you mustn’t mind my reminding you, and seeming
to meddle, but hain’t you forgot something?”
He studied a second, and says –
“Forgot something? . . . No, not that I know of.”
“Think,” says I.
He thought. Then he says –
“No, I can’t seem to have forgot anything. What is it?”
“Look at me,” says I, “look me all over.”
He done it.
“Well?” says he.
“Well,” says I, “you don’t notice anything? If I branched out
amongst the elect looking like this, wouldn’t I attract
considerable attention? – wouldn’t I be a little conspicuous?”
“Well,” he says, “I don’t see anything the matter. What do you
lack?”
“Lack! Why, I lack my harp, and my wreath, and my halo, and my
hymn-book, and my palm branch – I lack everything that a body
naturally requires up here, my friend.”
Puzzled? Peters, he was the worst puzzled man you ever saw.
Finally he says –
“Well, you seem to be a curiosity every way a body takes you. I
never heard of these things before.”
I looked at the man awhile in solid astonishment; then I says –
“Now, I hope you don’t take it as an offence, for I don’t mean any,
but really, for a man that has been in the Kingdom as long as I
reckon you have, you do seem to know powerful little about its
customs.”
“Its customs!” says he. “Heaven is a large place, good friend.
Large empires have many and diverse customs. Even small dominions
have, as you doubtless know by what you have seen of the matter on
a small scale in the Wart. How can you imagine I could ever learn
the varied customs of the countless kingdoms of heaven? It makes
my head ache to think of it. I know the customs that prevail in
those portions inhabited by peoples that are appointed to enter by
my own gate – and hark ye, that is quite enough knowledge for one
individual to try to pack into his head in the thirty-seven
millions of years I have devoted night and day to that study. But
the idea of learning the customs of the whole appalling expanse of
heaven – O man, how insanely you talk! Now I don’t doubt that this
odd costume you talk about is the fashion in that district of
heaven you belong to, but you won’t be conspicuous in this section
without it.”
I felt all right, if that was the case, so I bade him good-day and
left. All day I walked towards the far end of a prodigious hall of