She had only one fear: that owing to the artful way her Canyon had been hidden, he wouldn’t be able to find his way back to her.
The city had never been a simple place even during the years she’d lived in it; it was easy to get lost or distracted. How much more complicated would it be now, especially for someone like her poor Todd, whose soul was so muddled and confused. She knew how that felt, to have everyone falling over themselves to adore you one moment, and the next to find that those same people had given their devotions over to somebody else. It turned everything upside down when that happened; nothing made sense anymore. You started looking around for something to hold on to; something firm and solid, that wouldn’t be taken away. In such a mood of desperation, it was possible you could make a mistake: choose the wrong person to believe in, the wrong path to follow. Even now, he could be moving away from her.
The more she contemplated that prospect the more it became apparent that she was going to have to go and find him.
The idea of venturing out of her Canyon filled her with a mingling of fear and anticipation.
The world! The great, wide world!
It was three quarters of a century since she’d stepped beyond the bounds of the Canyon; and though she’d had plenty of clues as to the way things had changed, from those who’d come here after their decease, it would still be an intimidating experience for her to venture out there, even on a mission of love.
But what other choice did she have? Without him, her hopes were in ruins. She had to go and find him, it was as simple as that. And on the way back, once they were together again maybe she’d have the strength of heart to visit some of the places she’d known and loved in her youth; just to see how time had altered them. But then again perhaps that wouldn’t be such a good idea. It troubled her enough to look out of the window and see the stretches of land that had been dust roads and shacks and orange groves in her time now completely transformed into towers of steel and glass. What if she were to discover that some precious place she’d loved had been desecrated; rendered unrecognizable? Though she liked to think she was fearless, in truth time was taking its toll on the resilience of her soul.
But then, of course, this whole quest was a test of her strength, wasn’t it?
Venturing beyond the perimeters of her Canyon, beyond the reach of the magic that had preserved her perfection, was gambling with her life. She had no way of knowing for certain but she guessed that the further she ventured, and the longer she remained away from the Canyon, from the house and all it contained, the more vulnerable she’d be to the long-postponed indignities of old age. After all, a beneath this veneer of youth she was a Methuselah. How long could she afford to be out in the raptureless world before the shell cracked and the crone inside, the hag that the Devil’s Country had obscured with its magic, was unveiled?
It was terrifying. But in the end, it came down to this: finding Todd was worth the risk. If she survived the journey they would come back to the Canyon and initiate a new Golden Age. It wouldn’t be like the previous Age of Gold, with its foolish excesses. This would be a more profoundly felt time, when instead of using the Devil’s Country like a cross between a two-bit ghost-train ride and a fountain of youth, it would be respected as the mystery it was.
Despite the perverse pride she’d taken in showing Todd the orgiasts in the Canyon, and in letting him share their excesses, Katya’s appetite for the witless hedonism of the twenties had long since passed away. And though Todd had happily played the sensualist, she was sure that he too had seen enough of the tawdriness of such spectacles. It was time they behaved as owners of something genuinely marvelous; and treated it respectfully. Together, they would begin an exploration of the world Lilith had made. Katya had never possessed the courage to explore as it deserved to be explored, road by road, grove by sacred grove. Certainly she’d seen plenty there over the years that had inflamed her sexual self (women tethered to the underbellies of human-horses, in a constant state of ecstatic agony); and she would not scorn such spectacles if they came on them again. But these were other sights, designed to arouse the spirit not the loins; and it was to those places she wanted to take Todd.