“Look at me,” he said.
“I think you look fine.”
“I’m a mess. Burrows fucked it all up.” His hands went up to his face. “It’s gotta be a dream … ” he said, returning to his old theme. “I can’t look like this in the real world.”
“I do,” Tammy said, considering her own unhappy reflection. “I look like this.” She pinched herself. “I’m real,” she said. “Yeah?” he said softly.
“I know who I am. I know how I got here, where I came from, where my husband works.”
“Your husband?”
“Yes, my husband. Why? Are you surprised a woman with my dress size has got a husband? Well, I have. His name’s Arnie, and he works at Sacramento Airport. And you don’t know anything about him, do you?”
“No.”
“So you can’t have dreamed him, can you?”
“No.”
“See? That’s my life. My problem.”
“Why’s it a problem?”
“Because he drinks too much and he doesn’t love me and he’s having an affair with this woman who works at the FedEx office.”
“No shit. Is he the violent type?”
“He would be if I let him.”
“But you don’t.”
“I fractured one of his ribs the last time he tried something stupid like that. He was drunk. But that’s no excuse.”
“So why do you stay with him?”
“You really want to know?”
“Yeah.”
“Sound like you mean it.”
“I mean it.”
“If I tell you, you’ve got to promise me one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Promise first.”
“Shit. I promise. Scout’s honor. Why’d you stay with him?”
“Because being alone is the worst. Especially for a woman. I walked out on him two and a half years ago, when I found out about one of his women, but after a month I had to go back to him. Being on my own made me crazy. I made him tell me he was sorry for humiliating me and that he’d never do it again, but I knew that wasn’t true. Men can’t help being pigs. It’s the way God made them.”
“And I suppose women are — ”
“Bitches, most of us. Me included. But sometimes you need to be a bitch so you can get through the day.”
“And Katya?”
“I wondered how long it would take you to get round to her,” Tammy said. “Well I’ll tell you how much of a bitch she was. You know the man she threw into the room?” Todd nodded. “His name was Zeffer. He was the man who made her into a movie-star. That’s the kind of woman she was.
“There was another side to her, believe me.”
“Don’t tell me: she loves dogs.”
“Wait … ” he said wearily, waving away her cynicism. “I’m trying to explain something here.”
“I don’t want to hear about her kinder, gentler side.”
“Why not?”
“Because she’s a bad woman, Todd. They named Coldheart Canyon after her, for God’s sake. Did you know that? Anyway, we’re neither of us going back up there. Agreed?”
Todd didn’t reply. He simply stared at the faded photograph of the Hollywood sign that hung above the bed. “Didn’t somebody throw themselves off that?” he said finally.
“Yeah. Her name was Peg Entwistle. She was a failed actress. Did you hear what I said?” Tammy said.
“About what?”
“Neither of us is going back up to see Katya again, agreed? You’re not going to try and sneak back up there the moment my back’s turned?”
“Why? Would it matter so much if I did?” he said. His belief that all this was a dream seemed to have lost credibility in the last few minutes, “You’re never going to see me again after this anyway.”
It was true of course: this was the first and last time she’d sit in a motel room and have a conversation with Todd Pickett. But it still stung her to hear it said. Hurt, she stumbled after a response. “It only matters because I want the best for you.”
“Then move over,” he said, coming to the bed, “and let me lie down and sleep. Because that’s what I want right now.” She got up off the bed. “You not going to sleep?” he said. “There isn’t room for both of us.”