ONE
For four months, in the summer of his seventeenth year, Todd had worked at the Sunset Home for the Elderly on the outskirts of Orlando, where he’d got a job through his Uncle Frank, who worked as an accountant for Sunset Homes Incorporated. The place was little more than a repository for the nearly-dead; working there had been the most depressing experience of his young life. Most of his duties did not involve the patients — he had no training as a nurse, nor intended to get any. But the care of one of the older occupants, a man by the name of Duncan McFarlane, was given over to him because McFarlane was prone to unruliness when he was being bathed by the female nurses. McFarlane was no great trouble to Todd. He was just a sour sonofabitch who wasn’t going to make anybody’s life one jot easier if he could possibly avoid it. The ritual of giving a bed-bath to his patient was Todd’s particular horror; the sight of his own body awoke a profound self-disgust in the old man. Asking around, Todd had discovered that McFarlane had been an athlete in his prime. But now — at the age of eighty-three — there was no trace of the strength or the beauty his body had once possessed. He was a pallid sack of shit and resentment, revolted by the sight of himself.
Look at me, he would say when Todd uncovered him, Christ, look at me, Christ, look at me. Every time it was the same murmured horror. Look at me, Christ, look at me.
To this day, the image of McFarlane’s nakedness remained with Todd in all its grotesque particulars. The little beard of dirty white hair that hung from the old man’s scrotum; the constellation of heavy, dark warts above his left nipple; the wrinkled folds of pale, spotted flesh that hung under his arms. Todd felt guilty about his disgust, and kept it to himself, until one day it had been the subject of discussion in the day-room, and he’d discovered that his feelings were shared, especially by the male members of the nursing staff. The female nurses seemed to have more compassion, perhaps; or were simply indifferent to the facts of creeping senility. But the other men on the staff — there were four of them besides Todd — were afterwards constantly remarking on the foulness of their charges. One of the quartet — a black guy from New Orleans called Austin Harper — was particularly eloquent on the subject.
“I ain’t endin’ up like any o’ these ol’ fucks,” he remarked on more than one occasion, “I’d blow my fuckin’ brains out ‘fore I’d sink that fuckin’ low.”
“It won’t happen,” Todd had said.
“How’d you reckon that, white boy?” Austin had said. He’d patted Todd on his backside; which he took every possible opportunity to do.
“When we’re as old as these folks there’ll be ways to fix it,” Todd replied.
“You mean we’ll live forever? Bullshit. I don’t buy any of that science-fiction crap, boy.”
“I’m not saying we’ll live forever. But they’ll have figured out what gives us wrinkles, and they’ll have a way to smooth them out.”
“Will they now? So you’s goin’ to be all smoothed out, is you?”
“I sure as hell am.”
“You’ll still die, but you’ll die all smoothed out an’ pretty?” He tapped Todd’s ass appreciatively again.
“Will you quit doin’ that?” Todd said.
“I’ll quit when you quit wavin’ it in my nose.” Austin laughed, and slapped Todd’s ass a third time, a stinging swat.
“Anyways,” Todd said, “I don’t give a shit what you think. I’m going to die pretty.”
The phrase had lingered. To die pretty; that was the grand ambition. To die pretty, and not find yourself like poor old Duncan McFarlane, looking down at his own nakedness and saying, over and over: Oh Christ, look at me. Oh Christ, look at me. Oh Christ …
Two months after Todd had left Florida to go to Los Angeles for a screen-test, he’d got a scrawled note from Austin Harper, who — given that it was more or less certain that they’d never see one another again, figured it was okay for Todd to know that if Austin had had a chance he would have plowed Todd’s ass ‘all the way to Key West and back.’