Conrad’s Time Machine by Leo A. Frankowski

“He’s not out of range of our guns.”

“He doesn’t know that either.”

Our visitors took half an hour to get their sails in, drop anchor, and put a small rowboat over the side. During that time, our ladies showed up, wearing their finest outfits. They each sported more lace than Barb had worn when getting married, plus a few dozen yards of embroidered silk and velvet with lots of brightly colored ribbons thrown in just for the fun of it. They were carrying fresh finery for Ian and me.

Under Barbara’s supervision, three women took me below, stripped me, washed me down, shaved me, and trimmed my fingernails. They got me into a pair of white silk stockings, silk shorts, and a white silk shirt with lacy ruffles at my wrists and neck. I squirmed into tight knee-length sky-blue velvet pants that were covered with gold embroidery, as was the thigh-length matching jacket with a flaring skirt. Together, they weighed at least seven pounds extra because of all the real gold embroidered into them.

The girls wanted me to wear makeup, but I absolutely nixed that one. They did make me wear a white powdered wig, for God’s sake, and the ornate hat they gave me was huge, with at least six white ostrich feathers on one side. The lavishly decorated sword was small, poorly balanced and useless. The skimpy shoes looked like a pair of lady’s flats, except for the heavy gold buckles. A ridiculous outfit.

I clipped my temporal sword to the belt and glared at the girl who told me it didn’t match.

I hadn’t even known that we had such clothes with us. If I’d had any say in the matter, I would have dumped the clothes and brought along a second lift truck, but I hadn’t so we didn’t.

All this heavily embroidered velvet was entirely too warm for the climate, but fashion was fashion, and I was stuck with it. The only good thing about it all was that when Ian came out in a mostly pink and gold outfit, looking even stupider than I did, I got to sneer at him.

“Your mother dresses you funny,” I said.

“So does yours. But in European society in this century clothes don’t make the man. They are the man.”

Sergeant Kuhn came over with a polished helmet topped by something like an ancient Greek crest, only it was curly instead of being made out of straight horsehair. He wore a polished steel breastplate, and the rest of him was covered in tight-fitting, spotless white wool, with a lot of red trim. He wore a more practical sword than mine, and carried a short, sturdy, and very ornate spear.

“These clothes may state your status to the world, but they’re damned uncomfortable, sir. If we get into a fight, this outfit is going to be trash in thirty seconds,” he said.

The ship’s boat was being rowed in to us from about a mile out. There was plenty of time.

“Well, you can always throw the spear at them,” I said.

“Oh, no sir. This isn’t a throwing spear. Well, you can throw it, but normally you use it sort of like the way you use a bayonet on a rifle. If you’d ever served with the Ninth Legion, you would have spent half your time working out with one. It’s a fine weapon, if a bit fancy. I’d take it over a sword, any day.”

“Do say,” I said, noticing that he, too, wore a temporal sword on his belt.

Lieutenant McMahon was back on the fighting deck of the opposite harbor fort, wearing a white-and-red outfit with gold epaulettes, a red helmet crest taller than the sergeant’s, and almost as much gold braid as I was. His squad, like ours, wore white and red outfits with fewer doodads than the officers were allowed, but carrying “Brown Bess” muskets. I waved, but neither one of us felt the need to get out the CB radios.

As the boat rowed closer, I could see that the two men in the rear were wearing outfits as ornate as ours, but in much darker colors. Seamen usually wore darker clothes than landsmen, probably the result of the poor sanitary facilities on board one of those old ships.

In the front of the rowboat, a man was throwing a weight on a string to check the depth of the water. They had found the channel Barb had cut, and seemed amazed that it was a steady fifty feet deep.

Barb had cut some slips for small craft near the harbor forts, and after some discussion, we decided to greet our guests there. Leaving the troops to man the weapons on the forts, Ian, our eight ladies, and I went down to the slips.

As the boat pulled up, Ian shouted, “Welcome!”

A guy in the rear answered something polite sounding in French, which I expected, considering the French flag on their ship. What I didn’t expect was the way Barbara stepped forward and answered them in their own language. My wife was a never-ending string of surprises.

Ian soon took over the conversation, as we had agreed, with Barb doing the translating. Her version of French must have not been quite the same as theirs, since a lot of side conversations took place, clearing up minor points, but they were communicating. Talking through a translator is a long, slow process, but the gist of the conversation went something like this:

“Welcome to San Sebastian,” Ian said, and formally introduced the ten of us.

“I thank you, sir. We are astounded to see you here,” and just as formally introduced himself as Rene DuLae, Count of Lorraine, and the representative of the merchant company who owned the ship. His silent but smiling companion was the ship’s captain. He didn’t bother introducing the guys who had rowed them in here. You could see that the Frenchman, who was shorter than Barbara, was trying hard not to stare at Ian’s astounding size. He was also trying, with less luck, to not stare at Barbara and her lovely friends.

“Indeed? And why are you so astounded?”

“Why, because I sailed by this island not two years ago, and it seemed then to be uninhabited.”

“We bought this island three years ago, but we did not get here until a year later. We must have just missed you.”

“But these well-built fortifications look to have been many years in the construction. How did you get them completed so quickly?”

“It’s an interesting story, my noble guest, and you have not seen a tenth of it yet. But there is time enough for that tale later, over dinner, and a glass of wine, perhaps. For now, there must be some reason why you have stopped at this place. Tell us, please, what can we do for you?”

“Your courtesy and understanding are remarkable, my lord. In truth, we have been becalmed at sea for over a month, and our supplies, especially of water, are almost exhausted.”

“We have two good wells, my friend, and you and your crew are welcome to all the water that you want. Our supplies of food are not limitless, but we can spare you some beans, peas and rice. Also, the forests here abound with game, and we can easily shoot and smoke you enough meat to last you for the rest of your journey.”

“That is most generous of you, my noble lord.”

“Then it is settled. You and your captain shall accompany us to a suitable inn, since our castle is as yet but sparsely furnished. We will lend you a pilot to bring your ship into our harbor, and we will see to it that all of your immediate needs are attended to.”

Barb wanted to guide their ship in, since she had made the channel herself, and knew it better than anybody else. Ian squelched that idea, saying that in this culture, women weren’t trusted with doing anything technical. It turned out that our architect also spoke French, and so he accompanied the boat back to the ship. He didn’t know anything about piloting ships, but he knew where the channel was.

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

Telling Lies

That evening, over dinner, while the ship’s crew of twenty-six men, having drunk their fill of clean, cold water, and eaten a good meal, were drawing up buckets of water from our well and filling their ship’s barrels, the count said, “You men and your ladies are obviously of high and noble birth, but you have not mentioned your titles to me.”

After translating that, Barb whispered that his accent was from the lower classes of Brest, and that she doubted if he was a nobleman at all. I said that I had once read of a small lizard who claimed to be a dinosaur, on his mother’s side, and that if it made the Frenchman feel better, why not let him claim it? She smiled and nodded agreement.

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