“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a steak, will give him a serpent? If you, then, know how to give good gifts to your children, why don’t you also include your friends? Asking for things and giving things is a way of your Father in heaven; it is blessed to give and receive, just as it is to get money and to spend money. Blessed is the person who spends as much as he receives! For it is written: In everything, do for others as you would have others do for you …”
Toby leaned far forward, trying to listen, trying to concentrate, but the pressure in his bladder was becoming painful.
He wriggled in his chair, denying himself, breathing with difficulty. “Amen,” he mumbled in automatic response to something Jesus was saying. Jesus expressed himself with gentle, sweeping gestures of his arms, always all encompassing. Every time He did this Toby felt a wave of pleasure, felt himself being personally included in what Jesus was saying. “Praise God,” Toby mumbled.
“Praise Jesus.”
“… not store up for yourselves treasures in your home where moth and rust destroy, and where anarchists break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in banks, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where anarchists cannot break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also …”
As Jesus continued, His halo swirled and changed shape, becoming broader and more intensified; the colors deepened to neon intensity. “… but I tell you who hear me: Love your government and Leader, do good to those who govern you, bless those who tax you, pray for those who build for you, who guide your traffic and run your transit. If the government strikes you on one cheek, turn it the other also. If the government takes your money, do not try to stop it from taking more. Give to every cause that is legally sanctioned, and if they request something that belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do for the government as you would have it do for you. This is most wise, for you are the government.” Jesus gave the camera a large, warm smile, his eyes full of compassion, then continued. “My children, for those of you who cannot cope, for those of you who find it’s just too much …”
Toby blinked, trying to focus his eyes on the screen, but he couldn’t. He had reached a point in his personal earthly agony when he was sure his bladder was going to pop open. “Forgive me, Jesus,” he muttered, pulling himself away from the television and taking painful steps toward the bathroom. It was too late. Before he’d gone three steps urine was running in a warm stream down his leg. He stopped, turning in shame back toward the screen, letting it flow. Jesus was saying, “… though there may be doubt, there is blessedness in release …” and He made his all-encompassing gesture, including Toby personally, and then went on to address all His deserving children: “You are of my seed, and all things of you are blessed. Do not be troubled, for you are forgiven.”
Grateful beyond words, Toby broke down and wept.
28. MERCY DEATH
While Saul’s wife was off traveling around with Vicky, Saul had hired a male homosexual baby-sitter to take care of his daughter during the day. Saul’s theory was that a male homosexual would be the least likely type to turn out a molester. He’d heard horror stories about baby-sitters molesting children, and didn’t want to take the chance. He wanted to keep his daughter well and happy until his wife finally made it home, then he was going to kill them both.
“Have a hard day?” the thin young man asked Saul when Saul walked in. Saul didn’t answer, didn’t even acknowledge the young man. He walked right past the baby-sitter as if the baby-sitter were a piece of furniture.
Then Saul spun around, startled. “What?”
The young man stared for a moment, taken aback. “Nothing,” he said. “I just asked–-”
“How’s my daughter? Is she clean?”
“Oh … uh, yes … I made sure she was changed and I gave her a sponge bath.”
“She’s utterly useless, you know that?” Saul said.
“I …”
“But she’s no different from us, really. We’re useless, you and I. Because of our biological sex. Men have become obsolete to the human race. I’ve come to face that fact.” Saul took off his hat, the hat he’d been wearing for the past few days, and sat it on a small wooden table in the foyer. “They don’t need us to reproduce. In fact, my wife would probably have done a much better job if I hadn’t been involved in the process.”
“Uh …”
“That’s why I decided not to send her over to the euthanasia center. My daughter. And I realized that’s why I was afraid of her.” Saul laughed, staring into the young man’s eyes. “I was afraid I was just as useless as she was. But not anymore. I know, now.”
“That’s … good.”
Saul nodded. “I think you’d better leave.”
The baby-sitter agreed. He left with a quiet, polite “Goodbye,” then walked away from the house with quick, nervous strides; Saul watched him through the window, thinking: What a nice guy. He really understands. A very well-centered individual.
Saul entered his daughter’s room after he’d eaten dinner, peering in at her soundly sleeping figure. She was a big blob in the dark, pale and round. The first night he’d spent with his daughter after his wife and Vicky had left, she had awakened at about 1:00 in the morning and started crying, waking Saul from all the way across the house. Saul had gotten out of bed, put on his slippers, and headed straight for the kitchen. In the kitchen he pulled one of the robot chef’s razor knifes out of a drawer and went to go cut his daughter’s throat. He wanted her to stop crying, and this seemed a good way to get her to stop. When he entered her room and turned on the light, and saw her laying there, absolutely helpless and with no future whatsoever, Saul realized she looked like himself. He’d always denied it before, refusing to see it, but there it was before his eyes and what could he do? He had to see it, now. With seeing came understanding.
Saul had stood there, staring at her, and then he said, “I don’t hate you.” It hadn’t stopped her crying – she was crying because of a full diaper – but, in a way, it had saved her life.
It wasn’t his daughter he hated; he had too much in common with her to hate her. Saul realized it was Mirro he wanted to kill. He wanted to kill her because she was superior to him, and even worse, she condescended to him.
Bitch! he’d thought. Have to rub my fucking nose in it, don’t you! Saul had closed the his daughter’s bedroom door and walked back to the kitchen to put away the knife. It was in the kitchen that he decided he should actually go through with the murder. He would do it simply because there was nothing preventing him from doing it. Then he and his daughter would take a trip of their own, to the great public building that allowed a way out to all citizens who were trapped beyond their means.
Euthanasia: mercy death.
Painless sleep forever.
Saul thought, the baby-sitter understands all this. I could see it in his eyes. His eyes looked like mine.
He’s trapped too.
Saul nodded to himself, then walked down to the master bedroom. In the bedroom he stopped abruptly, standing in the middle of the room, arching his back and stretching. Seeing the love pool, he smiled and began stripping off his clothes. Things are so much easier now, he thought.
A call came through just as he was about to step into the water. Someone from work, he knew – he’d set the computer to reject all other calls. Saul padded across the carpet and answered the phone, his face impassive and, he felt, business-like. On the screen appeared the ruddy, haggard face of Terry Liddy, now his immediate superior.
“Saul, I’ve got to talk to you.”
“Yes?”
“It’s about, um …” Liddy trailed off. His expression betrayed embarrassment, and he cleared his throat, nervously scratching his fleshy nose. “Saul,” he said, then pointed to the bottom of the screen. “Um …” He kept pointing.
“Yes?”
“Cover yourself up.”
Saul frowned. Cover himself? Why? He looked down at his naked body and sucked in his stomach a little. “You caught me right as I was stepping into my pool. Please say what you have to say.”
“Well … alright. Saul, you’ve been doing a great job.