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Douglas Adams. Mostly harmless

A member of the hotel staff was now going round the bar asking people if they were Mr Miller. Nobody was.

`You really think this… person was from another planet?’ asked Gail.

`Oh, certainly. There was the spacecraft. Oh, and also he had two heads.’

`Two? Didn’t anybody else notice?’

`It was a fancy dress party.’

`I see…’

`And he had a bird cage over it, of course. With a cloth over the cage. Pretended he had a parrot. He tapped on the cage and it did a lot of stupid “Pretty Polly” stuff and squawking and so on. Then he pulled the cloth back for a moment and roared with laughter. There was another head in there, laughing along with him. It was a worrying moment I can tell you.’

`I think you probably did the right thing, dear, don’t you?’ said Gail.

`No,’ said Tricia. `No I don’t. And I couldn’t carry on doing what I was doing either. I was an astrophysicist, you see. You can’t be an astrophysicist properly if you’ve actually met someone from another planet who’s got a second head that pretends to be a parrot. You just can’t do it. I couldn’t at least.’

`I can see it would be hard. And that’s probably why you tend to be a little hard on other people who talk what sounds like complete nonsense.’

`Yes,’ said Tricia. `I expect you’re right. I’m sorry.’

`That’s OK.’

`You’re the first person I’ve ever told this, by the way.’

`I wondered. You married?’

`Er, no. So hard to tell these days isn’t it? But you’re right to ask because that was probably the reason. I came very close a few times, mostly because I wanted to have a kid. But every guy ended up asking why I was constantly looking over his shoulder. What do you tell someone? At one point I even thought I might just go to a sperm bank and take pot luck. Have somebody’s child at random.’

`You can’t seriously do that, can you?’

Tricia laughed. `Probably not. I never quite went and found out for real. Never quite did it. Story of my life. Never quite did the real thing. That’s why I’m in television I guess. Nothing is real.’

`Excuse me lady, your name Tricia McMillan?’

Tricia looked round in surprise. There was a man standing there in a chauffeur’s hat.

`Yes,’ she said, instantly pulling herself back together again.

`Lady, I been looking for you for about an hour. Hotel said they didn’t have anybody of that name, but I checked back with Mr Martin’s office and they said that this was definitely where you staying. So I ask again, they still say they never heard of you, so I get them to page you anyway and they can’t find you. In the end I get the office to FAX a picture of you through to the car and have a look myself.’

He looked at his watch.

`May be a bit late now, but do you want to go anyway?’

Tricia was stunned.

`Mr Martin? You mean Andy Martin at NBS?’

`That’s correct, lady. Screen test for US/AM.’

Tricia shot up out of her seat. She couldn’t even bear to think of all the messages she’d heard for Mr MacManus and Mr Miller.

`Only we have to hurry,’ said the chauffeur. `As I heard it Mr Martin thinks it might be worth trying a British accent. His boss at the network is dead against the idea. That’s Mr Zwingler, and I happen to know he’s flying out to the coast this evening because I’m the one has to pick him up and take him to the airport.’

`OK,’ said Tricia, `I’m ready. Let’s go.’

`OK, lady. It’s the big limo out the front.’

Tricia turned back to Gail. `I’m sorry,’ she said.

`Go! Go!’ said Gail. `And good luck. I’ve enjoyed meeting you.’

Tricia made to reach for her bag for some cash.

`Damn,’ she said. She’d left it upstairs.

`Drinks are on me,’ insisted Gail. `Really. It’s been very interesting.’

Tricia sighed.

`Look, I’m really sorry about this morning and…’

`Don’t say another word. I’m fine. It’s only astrology. It’s harmless. It’s not the end of the world.’

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