‘Any moment now,’ he said. ‘Any moment. Any moment now. Any second . . .’
A bundle of what appeared to be hosepipes led from the desk into the wall. Moist was certain they bulged for a moment, like a snake eating in a hurry; the machine stuttered, and a piece of paper dropped out of a slot.
‘Ah . . . here we are,’ said the wizard, snatching it up. ‘Yes, the book you were after was A History of Hats, by F. G. Smallfinger, am I right?’
‘No. I’m not after a book, in fact—’ Moist began.
‘Are you sure? We have lots.’
There were two striking things about this wizard. One was . . . well, Grandfather Lipwig had always said that you could tell the honesty of a man by the size of his ears, and this was a very honest wizard. The other was that the beard he was wearing was clearly false.
‘I was looking for a wizard called Pelc,’ Moist ventured.
The beard parted slightly to reveal a wide smile.
‘I knew the machine would work!’ said the wizard. ‘You are looking, in fact, for me.’
The sign on the outside of the office door said: Ladislav Pelc, D.M.Phil, Prehumous Professor of Morbid Bibliomancy.
On the inside of the door was a hook, on which the wizard hung his beard.
It was a wizard’s study, so of course had the skull with a candle in it and a stuffed crocodile hanging from the ceiling. No one, least of all wizards, knows why this is, but you have to have them.
It was also a room full of books and made of books. There was no actual furniture; that is to say, the desk and chairs were shaped out of books. It looked as though many of them were frequently referred to, because they lay open with other books used as bookmarks.
‘You want to know about your Post Office, I expect?’ said Pelc, as Moist settled on to a chair carefully put together from volumes 1 to 41 of Synonyms for the word ‘Plimsoll’
‘Yes, please,’ said Moist.
‘Voices? Strange events?’
‘Yes!’
‘How can I put this . . .’ mused Pelc. ‘Words have power, you understand? It is in the nature of our universe. Our Library itself distorts time and space on quite a grand scale. Well, when the Post Office started accumulating letters it was storing words. In fact what was being created was what we call a gevaisa, a tomb of living words. Are you of a literary persuasion, Mr Lipwig?’
‘Not as such.’ Books were a closed book to Moist.
‘Would you burn a book?’ said Pelc. ‘An old book, say, battered, almost spineless, found in a box of rubbish?’
‘Well . . . probably not,’ Moist admitted.
‘Why not? Would the thought make you uncomfortable?’
‘Yes, I suppose it would. Books are . . . well, you just don’t do that. Er . . . why do you wear a false beard? I thought wizards had real ones.’
‘It’s not compulsory, you know, but when we go outside the public expect beards,’ said Pelc. ‘It’s like having stars on your robes. Besides, they’re far too hot in the summer. Where was I? Gevaisas. Yes. All words have some power. We feel it instinctively. Some, like magical spells and the true names of the gods, have a great deal. They must be treated with respect. In Klatch there is a mountain with many caves, and in those caves are entombed more than a hundred thousand old books, mostly religious, each one in a white linen shroud. That is perhaps an extreme approach, but intelligent people have always known that some words at least should be disposed of with care and respect.’
‘Not just shoved in sacks in the attic,’ said Moist. ‘Hold on . . . a golem called the Post Office “a tomb of unheard words”.’
‘I’m not at all surprised,’ said Professor Pelc calmly. ‘The old gevaisas and libraries used to employ golems, because the only words that have the power to influence them are the ones in their heads. Words are important. And when there is a critical mass of them, they change the nature of the universe. Did you have what seemed to be hallucinations?’
‘Yes! I was back in time! But also in the present!’
‘Ah, yes. That’s quite common,’ said the wizard. ‘Enough words crammed together can affect time and space.’
‘And they spoke to me!’
‘I told the Watch the letters wanted to be delivered,’ said Professor Pelc. ‘Until a letter is read, it’s not complete. They will try anything to be delivered. But they don’t think, as you understand it, and they’re not clever. They just reach out into any available mind. I see you’ve already been turned into an avatar.’
‘I can’t fly!’
‘Avatar: the living likeness of a god,’ said the professor patiently. ‘The hat with wings. The golden suit.’
‘No, they happened by accident—’
‘Are you sure?’
The room went quiet.
‘Urn . . . I was until right now,’ said Moist.
‘They’re not trying to hurt anyone, Mr Lipwig,’ said Pelc. “They just want deliverance.’
‘We’ll never be able to deliver them all,’ said Moist. ‘That’d take years.’
‘The mere fact you’re delivering any will help, I’m sure,’ said Professor Pelc, smiling like a doctor telling a man not to worry, the disease is only fatal in 87 per cent of cases. ‘Is there anything else I can help you with?’ He stood up, to indicate that a wizard’s time is valuable.
‘Well, I’d quite like to know where the chandeliers went,’ said Moist. ‘It’d be nice to get them back. Symbolic, you could say’
‘I can’t help you, but I’m sure Professor Goitre can. He’s the Posthumous Professor of Morbid Bibliomancy. We could drop in and see him on the way out, if you like. He’s in the Wizards’ Pantry.’
‘Why’s he “posthumous”?’ Moist asked, as they stepped out into the corridor.
‘He’s dead,’ said Pelc.
‘Ah . . . I was kind of hoping that it was going to be a little more metaphorical than that,’ said Moist.
‘Don’t worry, he decided to take Early Death. It was a very good package.’
‘Oh,’ said Moist. The important thing at a time like this was to spot the right moment to run, but they’d got here through a maze of dark passages and this was not a place you’d want to get lost in. Something might find you.
They stopped outside a door, through which came the muffled sound of voices and the occasional clink of glassware. The noise stopped as soon as the professor pushed the door open, and it was hard to see where it could have come from. This was, indeed, a pantry, quite empty of people, its walls lined with shelves, the shelves filled with little jars. There was a wizard in each one.
Now would be the right time to run, Moist’s hindbrain thought, as Pelc reached for a jar, unscrewed the lid and rummaged around in it for the tiny wizard.
‘Oh, this isn’t him,’ said the professor cheerfully, seeing Moist’s expression. ‘The housekeeper puts these little knitted wizard dolls in just to remind the kitchen staff that the jars shouldn’t be used for anything else. There was an incident with some peanut butter, I believe. I just have to take it out so that he doesn’t sound muffled.’
‘So . . . er, where is the professor, in fact?’
‘Oh, in the jar, for a certain value of “in”,’ said Professor Pelc. ‘It’s very hard to explain to the layman. He’s only dead for—’
‘—a given value of dead?’ said Moist.
‘Exactly! And he can come back at a week’s notice. A lot of the older wizards are opting for it now. Very refreshing, they say, just like a sabbatical. Only longer.’
‘Where do they go?’
‘No one’s sure, exactly, but you can hear the sounds of cutlery,’ said Pelc, and raised the jar to his mouth.
‘Excuse me, Professor Goitre? Can you by any chance recall what happened to the chandeliers in the Post Office?’
Moist was expecting a tinny little voice to reply, but a sprightly if elderly voice a few inches away from his ear said: ‘What? Oh! Yes indeed! One ended up in the Opera House and the other was acquired by the Assassins’ Guild. Here comes the pudding trolley! Goodbye!’
‘Thank you, Professor,’ said Pelc solemnly. ‘All is well here—’
‘Fat lot I care!’ said the disembodied voice. ‘Be off, please, we’re eating!’
‘There you have it, then,’ said Pelc, putting the wizard doll back in the jar and screwing the lid on. ‘The Opera House and the Assassins’ Guild. Might be quite hard to get them back, I fancy.’
‘Yes, I think I shall put that off for a day or two,’ said Moist, stepping out of the door. ‘Dangerous people to tangle with.’