I WILL FEAR NO EVIL by Robert A. Heinlein

“Mrs. Sloan—”

“Yes? Let me tuck the napkin under your chin.”

“Stop that, or I’ll tell you where to tuck it! Uncover me and unstrap me; I’m going to feed myself.” (Boss, don’t be rude to her. She’s trying to help you.) (Eunice?) (Of course, dear—didn’t I promise I wouldn’t leave again?) (But—)(Shush, she’s talking.)

“Now, Miss Smith, you know I can’t do that. Please, dear. Doesn’t this smell good?”

“Uh. . . I suppose you can’t unstrap me without Dr. Hedrick’s permission. I’m sorry I snapped at you.” (That’s better, Boss!) “But don’t try to feed me, please don’t. Instead please find Dr. Hedrick and tell him I’m being difficult again. You might also tell him that, if he doesn’t want to go along with my unreasonable demands, he had better try to reach Mr. Salomon. Because if anyone tries to put food in my mouth while my hands are strapped, I’ll do my best to spit it on the ceiling.” (Is that better, Eunice?)

(Some, Boss. Say ten percent.) (Uh, darn, I don’t have any practice in being a lady.) (I’ll teach you, Boss.) (Eunice, are you really there, dear? Or have I come unstuck just as they thought I would?) (Discuss it later, Boss dear—you’re going to have to face the doctor right away…and don’t mention me…or you know what’ll happen. They’ll never unstrap our wrists. You know that, don’t you.) (Of course I do! Think I’m crazy?) (Irrelevant and immaterial as Jake would say. The point is never to let Dr. Hedrick—or anybody—guess that I’m here . . . or they’ll be certain you’re crazy. Now I’m going to sbut up.) (Don’t go ‘way!); (Boss, I’ll never go away; I’ll just keep quiet. You and I had better talk mostly when others aren’t around. Unless I see you about to make a mistake.) (Going to nag me, huh?); Johann heard her merry giggle. (Haven’t I always, Boss?”

Watch it; here come the cops.)

Dr. Hedrick came in, followed by Dr. Garcia. “Good, morning, Miss Smith.”

“Good morning, gentlemen.”

“Nurse says that you would like to try feeding your­self.”

“That’s true but that’s not all of it. I want these straps, and clamps removed, all of them.”

“Letting you feed yourself is no problem. It’s a good idea, good practice. ‘As for the rest— That calls for thought.”

“Doctor, the masquerade is over. If you can’t see your way clear to remove all restraints from my body, then forget about breakfast; I won’t starve. Get my lawyer instead.”

“As it happens, Mr. Salomon is in the house—”

“Then get him!”

“Just a moment, please.” Dr. Hedrick glanced at Dr. Garcia, who had seated himself at the console; Dr. Garcia,’ nodded. “Miss Smith, would you agree to a reasonable compromise? Or at least listen?”

“I’ll listen. But—” (Shut up, Boss!) “I’ll listen, Doctor.”

“Mr. Salomon is, as you know, an elderly man, and he had a trying day yesterday. I persuaded him to stay overnight, and rest. I’m told that he is just getting up; he has not had breakfast. I have and so has Dr. Garcia—but so long ago that we could use a bit of brunch. Now I can unstrap your arms, let you feed yourself— But unstrapping your pelvis . . . well, as you must have guessed, there is some odd plumbing down there and other things. Takes time to unhitch everything.

“So here is my thought. You can invite Mr. Salomon to join you for breakfast…and you could invite us, too, for that bit of brunch—and we four can talk over what needs to be done next. I shall follow the wishes of your guar—your lawyer. Or let him select another physician and withdraw, if I find that I must.”

“My guardian,” Johann said quietly. “We’ll do whatever my guardian requires. But I hope he does not decide to replace you, Dr. Hedrick. I have been a difficult patient and I’m sorry. I know what a miraculous job you have done on me. . . and I am grateful.”

“Thank you, Miss Smith.”

“I would be delighted to have you three gentlemen join me for brunch. . . if you will be so kind as to unstrap my arms.”