He looked imploringly at the high priest, who with the merest twitch of his features indicated that there was nothing he proposed to do about it. This was too much, he wasn’t the only one to object to this, Dil the master embalmer had been subjected to half an hour of having to Talk about his Family only yesterday, it was wrong, people expected the king to stay in the palace, it was too . . .
The king ambled towards him in a nonchalant way designed to make the master builder feel he was among friends. Oh no, Ptaclusp thought, he’s going to Remember my Name.
‘I must say you’ve done a tremendous amount in nine weeks, it’s a very good start. Er. It’s Ptaclusp, isn’t it?’ said the king.
Ptaclusp swallowed. There was no help for it now.
‘Yes, O hand upon the waters,’ he said, ‘O fount of-‘
‘I think “your majesty” or “sire” will do,’ said Teppic. Ptaclusp panicked and glanced fearfully at Dios, who winced but nodded again.
‘The king wishes you to address him-‘ a look of pain crossed his face – ‘informally. In the fashion of the barba – of foreign lands.’
‘You must consider yourself a very fortunate man to have such talented and hard-working sons,’ said Teppic, staring down at the busy panorama of the quarry.
‘I . . . will, O . . . sire,’ mumbled Ptaclusp, interpreting this as an order. Why couldn’t kings order people around like in the old days? You knew where you were then, they didn’t go round being charming and treating you as some sort of equal, as if you could make the sun rise too.
‘It must be a fascinating trade,’ Teppic went on.
‘As your sire wishes, sire,’ said Ptaclusp. ‘If your majesty would just give the word-‘
‘And how exactly does all this work?’
‘Your sire?’ said Ptaclusp, horrified.
‘You make the blocks fly, do you?’
‘Yes, O sire.’
‘That is very interesting. How do you do it?’
Ptaclusp nearly bit through his lip. Betray Craft secrets? He was horrified. Against all expectation, Dios came to his aid.
‘By means of certain secret signs and sigils, sire,’ he said, ‘into the origin of which it is not wise to inquire. It is the wisdom of-‘ he paused ‘-the modems.’
‘So much quicker than all that heaving stuff around, I expect,’ said Teppic.
‘It had a certain glory, sire,’ said Dios. ‘Now, if I may suggest . . .
‘Oh. Yes. Press on, by all means.’
Ptaclusp wiped his forehead, and ran to the edge of the quarry.
He waved a cloth.
All things are defined by names. Change the name, and you change the thing. Of course there is a lot more to it than that, but paracosmically that is what it boils down to.
Ptaclusp IIb tapped the stone lightly with his staff. The air above it wavered in the heat and then, shedding a little dust, the block rose gently until it bobbed a few feet off the ground, held in check by mooring ropes.
That was all there was to it. Teppic had expected some thunder, or at least a gout of flame. But already the workers were clustering around another block, and a couple of men were towing the first block down towards the site.
‘Very impressive,’ he said sadly.
‘Indeed, sire,’ said Dios. ‘And now, we must go back to the palace. It will soon be time for the Ceremony of the Third Hour.
‘Yes, yes, all right,’ snapped Teppic. ‘Very well done, Ptaclusp. Keep up the good work.’
Ptaclusp bowed like a seesaw in flustered excitement and confusion.
‘Very good, your sire,’ he said, and decided to go for the big one. ‘May I show your sire the latest plans?’
‘The king has approved the plans already,’ said Dios. ‘And, excuse me if I am mistaken, but it seems that the pyramid is well under construction.’
‘Yes, yes, but,’ said Ptaclusp, ‘it occurred to us, this avenue here, you see, overlooking the entrance, what a place, we thought, for a statue of for instance Hat the Vulture-Headed God of Unexpected Guests at practically cost-‘
Dios glanced at the sketches.
‘Are those supposed to be wings?’ he said.
‘Not even cost, not even cost, tell you what I’ll do-‘ said Ptaclusp desperately.
‘Is that a nose?’ said Dios.
‘More a beak, more a beak,’ said Ptaclusp. ‘Look, O priest, how about-‘
‘I think not,’ said Dios. ‘No. I really think not.’ He scanned the quarry for Teppic, groaned, thrust the sketches into the builder’s hands and started to run.
Teppic had strolled down the path to the waiting chariots, looking wistfully at the bustle around him, and paused to watch a group of workers who were dressing a corner piece. They froze when they felt his gaze on them, and stood sheepishly watching him.
‘Well well,’ said Teppic, inspecting the stone, although all he knew about stonemasonry could have been chiselled on a sand grain. ‘What a splendid piece of rock.’
He turned to the nearest man, whose mouth fell open.
‘You’re a stonemason, are you?’ he said. ‘That must be a very interesting job.’
The man’s eyes bulged. He dropped his chisel. ‘Erk,’ he said.
A hundred yards away Dios’s robes flapped around his legs as he pounded down the path. He grasped the hem and galloped along, sandals flapping.
‘What’s your name?’ said Teppic. ‘Aaaargle,’ said the man, terrified.
‘Well, jolly good,’ said Teppic, and took his unresisting hand and shook it.
‘Sire!’ Dios bellowed. ‘No!’
And the mason spun away, holding his right hand by the wrist, fighting it, screaming . . .
Teppic gripped the arms of the throne and glared at the high priest.
‘But it’s a gesture of fellowship, nothing more. Where I come from-‘
‘Where you come from, sire, is here!’ thundered Dios.
‘But, good grief, cutting it off? It’s too cruel!’
Dios stepped forward. Now his voice was back to its normal oil-smooth tones.
‘Cruel, sire? But it will be done with precision and care, with drugs to take away the pain. He will certainly live.
‘But why?’
‘I did explain, sire. He cannot use the hand again without defiling it. He is a devout man and knows this very well. You see, sire, you are a god, sire.’
‘But you can touch me. So can the servants!’
‘I am a priest, sire,’ said Dios gently. ‘And the servants have special dispensation.’
Teppic bit his lip.
‘This is barbaric,’ he said.
Dios’s features did not move.
‘It will not be done,’ Teppic said. ‘I am the king. I forbid it to be done, do you understand?’
Dios bowed. Teppic recognised No.49, Horrified Disdain.
‘Your wish will certainly be done, O fountain of all wisdom. Although, of course, the man himself may take matters into, if you will excuse me, his own hands.’
‘What do you mean?’ snapped Teppic.
‘Sire, if his colleagues had not stopped him he would have done it himself. With a chisel, I understand.’
Teppic stared at him and thought, I am a stranger in a familiar land.
‘I see,’ he said eventually.
He thought a little further.
‘Then the – operation is to be done with all care, and the man is to be given a pension afterwards, d’you see?’
‘As you wish, sire.’
‘A proper one, too.’
‘Indeed, sire. A golden handshake, sire,’ said Dios impassively.
‘And perhaps we can find him some light job around the palace?’
‘As a one-handed stonemason, sire?’ Dios’s left eyebrow arched a fraction.
‘As whatever, Dios.’
‘Certainly, sire. As you wish. I will undertake to see if we are currently short-handed in any department.’
Teppic glared at him. ‘I am the king, you know,’ he said sharply.
‘The fact attends me with every waking hour, sire.’
‘Dios?’ said Teppic, as the high priest was leaving.
‘Sire?’
‘I ordered a feather bed from Ankh-Morpork some weeks ago. I suppose you would not know what became of it?’
Dios waved his hands in an expressive gesture. ‘I gather, sire, that there is considerable pirate activity off the Khalian coast,’ he said.
‘Doubtless the pirates are also responsible for the non-appearance of the expert from the Guild of Plumbers and Dunnikindivers?’ Teppic said sourly.[15]
‘Yes, sire. Or possibly bandits, sire.’
‘Or perhaps a giant two-headed bird swooped down and carried him off,’ said Teppic.
‘All things are possible, sire,’ said the high priest, his face radiating politeness.
‘You may go, Dios.’
‘Sire. May I remind you, sire, that the emissaries from Tsort and Ephebe will be attending you at the fifth hour.’
‘Yes. You may go.’
Teppic was left alone, or at least as alone as he ever was, which meant that he was all by himself except for two fan wavers, a butler, two enormous Howonder guards by the door, and a couple of handmaidens.
Oh, yes. Handmaidens. He hadn’t quite come to terms with the handmaidens yet. Presumably Dios chose them, as he seemed to oversee everything in the palace, and he had shown surprisingly good taste in the matter of, for example, olive skins, bosoms and legs. The clothing these two wore would between them have covered a small saucer. And this was odd, because the net effect was to turn them into two attractive and mobile pieces of furniture, as sexless as pillars. Teppic sighed with the recollection of women in Ankh-Morpork who could be clothed from neck to ankle in brocade and still cause a classroom full of boys to blush to the roots of their hair.