The troll looked at its club as if seriously considering the possibility of beating itself to death.
Granny patted it on the lichen-encrusted shoulder. ‘What’s your name, lad?’
‘Carborundum, miss,’ it mumbled. One of its legs began to tremble.
‘Well, I’m sure you’re going to make a good life for yourself here in the big city,’ said Granny.
‘Yes, why don’t you go and start now?’ said Nanny.
The troll gave her a grateful look and fled, without even bothering to open the door.
‘Do they really call me that?’ said Granny.
‘Er. Yes,’ said Nanny, kicking herself. ‘It’s a mark of respect, of course.’
‘Oh.’
‘Er. . .’
‘I’ve always done my best to get along with trolls, you know that.’
‘Oh, yes.’
‘How about the dwarfs?’ said Granny, as someone might who had found a hitherto unsuspected boil and couldn’t resist poking it. ‘Have they got a name for me, too?’
‘Let’s go and see Mr Goatberger, shall we?’ said Nanny brightly.
‘Gytha!’
‘Er. . . well. . . I think it’s K’ez’rek d’b’duz,’ said Nanny.
‘What does that mean?’
‘Er. . . “Go Around the Other Side of the Mountain”,’ said Nanny.
‘Oh.’
Granny was uncharacteristically silent as they made their way up the stairs.
Nanny didn’t bother to knock. She opened the door and said, ‘Coo-ee, Mr Goatberger! It’s us again, just like you said. Oh, I shouldn’t try to get out of the window like that-you’re three flights up and that bag of money is a bit dangerous if you’re climbing around.’
The man edged around the room so that his desk was between him and the witches.
‘Wasn’t there a troll downstairs?’ he said.
‘It’s decided to break out of publishing,’ said Nanny. She sat down and gave him a big smile. ‘I ‘spect you’ve got some money for us.’
Mr Goatberger realized that he was trapped. His face contorted into a series of twisted expressions as he experimented with some replies. Then he smiled as widely as Nanny and sat down opposite her.
‘Of course, things are very difficult at the moment,’ he said. ‘In fact I can’t recall a worse time,’ he added, with considerable honesty.
He looked at Granny’s face. His grin stayed where it was but the rest of his face began to edge away.
‘People just don’t seem to be buying books,’ he said. ‘And the cost of the etchings, well, it’s wicked.’
‘Everyone I knows buys the Almanack,’ said Granny. ‘I reckon everyone in Lancre buys your Almanack. Everyone in the whole Ramtops buys the Almanack, even the dwarfs. That’s a lot of half dollars. And Gytha’s book seems to be doing very well.’
‘Well, of course, I’m glad it’s so popular, but what with distribution, paying the peddlers, the wear and tear on-‘
‘Your Almanack will last a household all winter, with care,’ said Granny. ‘Providing no one’s ill and the paper’s nice and thin.’
‘My son Jason buys two copies,’ said Nanny. ‘Of course, he’s got a big family. The privy door never stops swinging’
‘Yes but, you see, the point is. . . I don’t actually have to pay you anything,’ said Mr Goatberger, trying to ignore this. His smile had the face all to itself now. ‘You paid me to print it, and I gave you your money back. In fact I think our accounts department made a slight error in your favour, but I won’t-‘
His voice trailed away.
Granny Weatherwax was unfolding a sheet of paper. ‘These predictions for next year. . .’ she said.
‘Where’d you get that?’
‘I borrowed it. You can have it back if you like-‘
‘Well, what about them?’
‘They’re wrong.’
‘What do you mean, they’re wrong? They’re predictions!’
‘I don’t see there being a rain of curry in Klatch next May. You don’t get curry that early.’
‘You know about the predictions business?’ said Goatberger. ‘You? I’ve been printing predictions for years.
‘I don’t do clever stuff for years ahead, like you do,’ Granny admitted. ‘But I’m pretty accurate if you want a thirty-second one.’
‘Indeed? What’s going to happen in thirty seconds?’
Granny told him.
Goatberger roared with laughter. ‘Oh, yes, that’s a good one, you should be writing them for us!’ he said. ‘Oh, my word. Nothing like being ambitious; eh? That’s better than the spontaneous combustion of the Bishop of Quirm, and that didn’t even happen! In thirty seconds, eh?’
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘Twenty-one seconds now,’ said Granny.
Mr Bucket had arrived at the Opera House early to see if anyone had died so far today.
He made it as far as his office without a single body dropping out of the shadows.
He really hadn’t expected it to be like this. He’d liked opera. It had all seemed so artistic. He’d watched hundreds of operas and practically no one had died, except once during the ballet scene in La Triviata when a ballerina had rather over-enthusiastically been flung into the lap of an elderly gentleman in the front row of the Stalls. She hadn’t been hurt, but the old man had died in one incredibly happy instant.
Someone knocked at the door.
Mr Bucket opened it about a quarter of an inch. ‘Who’s dead?’ he said.
‘N-no one Mr Bucket! I’ve got your letters!’
‘Oh, it’s you, Walter. Thank you.’
He took the bundle and shut the door.
There were bills. There were always bills. The Opera House practically runs itself, they’d told him. Well, yes, but it practically ran on money. He rummaged through the let-
There was an envelope with the Opera House crest on it.
He looked at it like a man looks at a very fierce dog on a very thin leash.
It did nothing except lie there and look as gummed as an envelope can be.
Finally he disembowelled it with the, paperknife and then flung it down on the desk again, as if it would bite.
When it did not do so he reached out hesitantly and withdrew the folded letter. It read as follows:
My Dear Bucket,
I should be most grateful if Christine sings the role of Laura tonight. I assure you she is more than capable.
The second violinist is a little slow, I feel, and the second act last night was frankly extremely wooden. This really is not good enough.
My I extend my own welcome to Senor Basilica. I congratulate you on his arrival.
Wishing you the very best,
The Opera Ghost
‘Mr Salzella!’
Salzella was eventually located. He read the note. ‘You do not intend to accede to this?’ he said.
‘She does sing superbly, Salzella.’
‘You mean the Nitt girl?’
‘Well. . . yes. . . you know what I mean.’
‘But this is nothing less than blackmail!’
‘Is it? He’s not actually threatening anything.’
‘You let her. . . I mean them, of course. . . you let them sing last night, and much good it did poor Dr Undershaft.’
‘What do you advise, then?’
There was another series of disjointed knocks on the door.
‘Come in, Walter,’ said Bucket and Salzella together.
Walter jerked in, holding the coalscuttle.
‘I’ve been to see Commander Vimes of the city Watch,’ said Salzella. ‘He said he’ll have some of his best men here tonight. Undercover.’
‘I thought you said they were all incompetent.’
Salzella shrugged. ‘We’ve got to do this properly. Did you know Dr Undershaft was strangled before he was hung?’
‘Hanged,’ said Bucket, without thinking. ‘Men are hanged. It’s dead meat that’s hung.’
‘Indeed?’ said Salzella. ‘I appreciate the information. Well, poor old Undershaft was strangled, apparently. And then he was hung.’
‘Really, Salzella, you do have a misplaced sense-‘
‘I’ve finished now Mr Bucket!’
‘Yes, thank you, Walter. You may go.’
‘Yes Mr Bucket!’
Walter closed the door behind him, very conscientiously.
‘I’m afraid it’s working here,’ said Salzella. ‘If you don’t find some way of dealing with. . . are you all right, Mr Bucket?’
‘What?’ Bucket, who’d been staring at the closed door, shook his head. ‘Oh. Yes. Er. Walter. . .’
‘What about him?’
‘He’s. . . all right, is he?’
‘Oh, he’s got his. . . funny little ways. He’s harmless enough, if that’s what you mean. Some of the stage-hands and musicians are a bit cruel to him. . . you know, sending him out for a tin of invisible paint or a bag of nail-holes and so on. He believes what he’s told. Why?’
‘Oh. . . I just wondered. Silly, really.’
‘I suppose he is, technically.’
‘No, I meant- Oh, it doesn’t matter. . .’
Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg left Goatberger’s office and walked demurely down the street. At least, Granny walked demurely. Nanny leaned somewhat.
Every thirty seconds she’d say, ‘How much was that again?’
‘Three thousand, two hundred and seventy dollars and eighty-seven pence,’ said Granny. She was looking thoughtful.
‘I thought it was nice of him to look in all the ashtrays for all the odd coppers he could round up,’ said Nanny. ‘Those he could reach, anyway. How much was that again?’