‘Stand easy, lads,’ he said. ‘Blouse here has been telling me what crackin’ work you’ve been doing. Well done! Dressin’ up as women, eh? Lucky you weren’t found out!’
‘Yessir,’ said Polly. From outside, there came the sound of cries and fighting.
‘Didn’t bring your uniforms with you?’ said the major.
‘Could’ve been tricky if they were found on us,’ said Polly, staring at Blouse.
‘Could’ve been tricky anyway, eh, if you were searched?’ said the major, winking.
‘Yessir,’ said Polly obediently. ‘Lieutenant Blouse told you all about us, did he, sir?’
Just behind the major, Blouse was making a universal gesture. It consisted of both hands held palm up and outwards and waggled furiously with all fingers extended.
‘Hah, yes. Stole some clothes from a knockin’ shop, eh? Young lads like you shouldn’t have gone in a place like that, eh? Those v places are an Abomination, if they’re run right!’ said the major, wagging a finger theatrically. ‘Anyway, we’re doing well. Hardly any guards this deep in the keep, y’see. The whole place was built on the basis that the enemy would be on the outsidel I say, what’s that man doin’ to the man on the slab?’
‘Patching him up, thur,’ said Igorina. ‘Thewing hith arm back on.’
‘He’s an enemy, ain’t he?’
‘Code of the Igorth, thur,’ said Igorina reproachfully. ‘A thpare hand where needed, thur.’
The major sniffed. ‘Oh well, can’t argue with you fellows, eh? But when you’ve finished, we’ve got plenty of chaps out there who could do with your help.’
‘Thertainly, thur,’ said Igorina.
‘Any news of my brother, sir?’ said Polly. ‘Paul Perks?’
‘Yes, Blouse here mentioned him, Perks, but there’s men locked up everywhere and it’s a little tricky right now, eh?’ said the major brusquely. ‘As for the rest of you, we’ll get you into a pair of trousers as soon as possible and you can join in the fun, eh?’
‘The fun,’ said Tonker, in a hollow voice.
‘The fun being . . . ?’ said Polly.
‘We’ve got as far as the fourth floor already,’ said von Moldvitz. ‘We might not have the whole keep back, but we hold the outer courtyards and some of the towers. By morning, we’ll control who comes in and goes out. We’re back in the war! They won’t invade now. Most of their top brass are in the inner keep.’
‘Back in the war,’ murmured Polly.
‘And we will win!’ said the major.
‘Oh, sugar,’ said Shufti.
Something was going to give, Polly knew. Tonker had that look she got before she exploded, and even Shufti was fidgeting. It would only be a matter of time before Lofty found her box of matches, which Polly had hidden in a cupboard.
Igorina packed up her bag and smiled brightly at the major. ‘Ready to go, thur,’ she said.
‘At least remove the wig, eh?’
‘It’th my own hair, thur,’ said Igorina.
‘Looks a bit. . . cissy, then,’ said the major. ‘It would be better if—’
‘I am, in fact, female, sir,’ said Igorina, dropping most of the lisp. ‘Trust me, I’m an Igor. We know about this sort of thing. And my needlework ith second to none.’
‘A woman?’ said the major.
Polly sighed. ‘We all are, sir. Really women. Not just dressed up as women. And right now I don’t want to put any trousers on because then I’d be a woman dressed up as a man dressed up as a woman dressed up as a man, and then I’d be so confused I wouldn’t know how to swear. And I want to swear right now, sir, very much.’
The major turned stiffly to Blouse. ‘Did you know about this, lieutenant?’ he barked.
‘Well . . . yes, sir. Eventually. But even so, sir, I would—’
This cell was an old guardroom. It was damp, and had two creaking bunks.
‘On the whole,’ said Tonker, ‘I think it was better when we were locked up by the enemy.’
‘There’s a grille in the ceiling,’ said Shufti.
‘Not big enough to climb through,’ said Polly.
‘No, but we can hang ourselves before they do it.’
‘I’m told it’s a very painful way to die,’ said Polly.
‘Who by?’ said Tonker.
Occasionally the sounds of battle filtered through the narrow window. Mostly it was yells; often it was screams. Fun was being had.
Igorina sat staring at her hands. ‘What’s wrong with these?’ she said. ‘Didn’t I do a good job on that arm? But no, they’re afraid I might touch their privates.’
‘Perhaps you could have promised to operate only on officers,’ said Tonker. No one laughed, and probably no one would have bothered to run for it if the door had swung open. It was a proud and noble thing to escape from the enemy, but if you were escaping from your own side, where would you escape to?
On one of the bunks, Wazzer slept like a hibernating bear. You v had to watch her for some time to see her breathe.
‘What can they do to us?’ said Shufti nervously. ‘You know . . . really do to us?’
‘We were wearing men’s clothes,’ said Polly.
‘But that’s only a beating.’
‘Oh, they’ll find some other stuff, believe you me,’ said Tonker. ‘Besides, who knows we’re here?’
‘But we got them out of prison! Our side!’
Polly sighed. ‘That’s why, Shufti. No one wants to know that a bunch of girls dressed up as soldiers and broke into a big fort and let out half an army. Everyone knows females can’t do that. Neither side wants us here, understand?’
‘On a battlefield like this, who’ll worry about a few more bodies?’ said Tonker.
‘Don’t say that! Lieutenant Blouse spoke up for us,’ said Shufti.
‘What, Daphne?’ said Tonker. ‘Hah! Just another body. They’ve probably locked him up somewhere, just like us.’
There was a distant cheering, which went on for some time.
‘Sounds like they’ve got the building,’ said Polly.
‘Hooray for us,’ said Tonker, and spat.
After a while, a small hatch was opened in the door and a silent man handed through a big can of scubbo and a tray of horse-bread. It wasn’t bad scubbo or, at least, not bad scubbo by the standards of bad scubbo. There was some discussion about whether being fed meant you weren’t going to be executed, until someone pointed out the tradition of the Last Hearty Meal.
Igorina gave it as her cultural opinion that the stew was not only hearty but lungy and livery too. But at least it was hot.
A couple of hours later a can of saloop was handed through, with some mugs. This time, the guard winked.
An hour after that, the door was unlocked. A young man in a major’s uniform stepped inside.
Oh well, let’s go on as we started, Polly thought. She leapt to her feet. ‘Squaddd . . . tennn . . . hut!’
With reasonable speed, the squad at least managed to stand up straight and in a line. The major acknowledged her by tapping the peak of his cap with a stick. It was definitely thinner than an inch.
‘Stand easy . . . corporal, isn’t it?’ he said.
‘Yessir.’ That sounded promising.
‘I am Major Clogston, of the Provost’s office,’ said the major. ‘And I’d like you to tell me all about it. About everything. I will make notes, if you don’t mind.’
‘What’s this about?’ said Tonker.
‘Ah, you’d be . . . Private Halter,’ said Clogston. ‘I’ve already spoken at length to Lieutenant Blouse.’ He turned, nodded at the guard hovering in the doorway, and shut the door. He also closed the hatch.
‘You are going to be tried,’ he said, sitting down on the spare bunk. ‘The politicos want you to be tried by a full Nugganatic court, but that would be tricky here, and no one wants this to go on for any longer than it has to. Besides, there has been an . . . unusual event. Someone has sent a communique to General Froc asking about you all by name. At least,’ he added, ‘by your surnames.’
‘Was that Lord Rust, sir?’
‘No, it was someone called William de Worde. I don’t know if you’ve run across his newspaper thing? We’re wondering how he knew you were captured.’
‘Well, we didn’t tell him!’ said Polly.
‘It makes things a little . . . tricky,’ said Clogston. ‘Although, from your point of view, a lot more hopeful. There are those members of the army who are, let us say, considering the future of Borogravia. That is, they would like there to be one. My job is to present your case to the tribunal.’
‘Is that a court martial?’ said Polly.
‘No, they’re not that stupid. Calling it a court martial would indicate that they accept that you are soldiers.’
‘You did,’ said Shufti.
‘De facto is not dejure,’ said Clogston. ‘Now, as I said . . . tell me your story, Miss Perks.’