‘I wish there weren’t so many bones.’
‘By Christopher!’ Jack cried. ‘By gum!
‘The Giant’s eaten up my mum!
‘He smelled her out! She’s in his belly!
‘I had a hunch that she was smelly.’
Jack stood there gazing longingly
Upon the huge and golden tree.
He murmured softly, ‘Golly-gosh,
‘I guess I’ll have to take a wash
‘If I am going to climb this tree
‘Without the Giant smelling me.
‘In fact, a bath’s my only hope …
He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap
He scrubbed his body everywhere.
He even washed and rinsed his hair.
He did his teeth, he blew his nose
And went out smelling like a rose.
Once more he climbed the mighty bean.
The Giant sat there, gross, obscene,
Muttering through his vicious teeth
(While Jack sat tensely just beneath),
Muttering loud, ‘FEE FI FO FUM,
‘RIGHT NOW I CAN’T SMELL ANYONE.’
Jack waited till the Giant slept,
Then out along the boughs he crept
And gathered so much gold, I swear
He was an instant millionaire.
‘A bath,’ he said, ‘does seem to pay.
‘I’m going to have one every day.’
SNOW-WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS
when little Snow-White’s mother died,
The king, her father, up and cried,
‘Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!
‘Now I must find another wife!’
(It’s never easy for a king
To find himself that sort of thing.)
He wrote to every magazine
And said, ‘I’m looking for a Queen.’
At least ten thousand girls replied
And begged to be the royal bride.
The king said with a shifty smile,
‘I’d like to give each one a trial.’
However, in the end he chose
A lady called Miss Maclahose,
Who brought along a curious toy
That seemed to give her endless joy –
This was a mirror framed in brass,
A MAGIC TALKING LOOKING-GLASS.
Ask it something day or night,
It always got the answer right.
For instance, if you were to say,
‘Oh Mirror, what’s for lunch today?’
The thing would answer in a trice,
‘Today it’s scrambled eggs and rice.’
Now every day, week in week out,
The spoiled and stupid Queen would shout,
‘Oh Mirror Mirror on the wall,
‘Who is the fairest of them all?’
The Mirror answered every time,
‘Oh Madam, you’re the Queen sublime.
‘You are the only one to charm us,
‘Queen, you are the cat’s pyjamas. ‘
For ten whole years the silly Queen
Repeated this absurd routine.
Then suddenly, one awful day,
She heard the Magic Mirror say,
‘From now on, Queen, you’re Number Two.
‘Snow-White is prettier than you!’
The Queen went absolutely wild.
She yelled, ‘I’m going to scrag that child!
‘I’ll cook her flaming goose! I’ll skin ‘er!
‘I’ll have her rotten guts for dinner!’
She called the Huntsman to her study.
She shouted at him, ‘Listen buddy!
‘You drag that filthy girl outside,
‘And see you take her for a ride!
‘Thereafter slit her ribs apart
‘And bring me back her bleeding heart!’
The Huntsman dragged the lovely child
Deep deep into the forest wild.
Fearing the worst, poor Snow-White spake.
She cried, ‘Oh please give me a break!’
The knife was poised, the arm was strong,
She cried again, ‘I’ve done no wrong!’
The Huntsman’s heart began to flutter.
It melted like a pound of butter.
He murmured, ‘Okay, beat it, kid,’
And you can bet your life she did.
Later, the Huntsman made a stop
Within the local butcher’s shop,
And there he bought, for safety’s sake,
A bullock’s heart and one nice steak.
‘Oh Majesty! Oh Queen!’ he cried,
‘That rotten little girl has died!
‘And just to prove I didn’t cheat,
‘I’ve brought along these bits of meat.’
‘The Queen cried out, ‘Bravissimo!
‘I trust you killed her nice and slow.’
Then (this is the disgusting part)
The Queen sat down and ate the heart!
(I only hope she cooked it well.
Boiled heart can be as tough as hell.)
While all of this was going on,
Oh where, oh where had Snow-White gone?
She’d found it easy, being pretty,
To hitch a ride in to the city,
And there she’d got a job, unpaid,
As general cook and parlour-maid
