“Hey,” Kelly said. “Don’t start to doubt yourself. That’s what Chris started to do.”
“Easier said than done.”
“What is.75% Marcaine used for?” Kelly asked.
“Quite a few things,” Jeffrey said. “Whenever you want a particularly long-acting block with little volume. It’s used a lot in eye surgery.”
“Had there been any eye cases in the OR where your accident occurred or any operations that might have required.75% Marcaine?”
Jeffrey thought for a moment. He shook his head. “I don’t think so, but I don’t know for sure.”
“It might be worth looking into,” Kelly said. “It wouldn’t have much legal import, but if you could explain the.75% Marcaine, at least to yourself, it would go a long way in helping rebuild your confidence. I really think that where malpractice is concerned, doctors need to be as diligent in guarding their selfesteem as thef are in preparing their court cases.”
“You’re right about that,” Jeffrey said, but he was still thinking about
Kelly’s questions regarding the.75% Marcaine. He couldn’t believe that no one had thought to ask about cases prior to Patty Owen’s in the same OR. He sure hadn’t thought of it. He wondered how he’d go about inquiring now that he didn’t enjoy the access to the hospital he once had.
“Speaking of self-esteem, how’s yours?” Kelly smiled, but Jeffrey could tell that despite her apparent lightheartedness, she was dead serious.
“I have the feeling I’m talking to an expert,” Jeffrey said. “Have you been reading a bit of psychiatry on the side?”
“Hardly,” Kelly said. “Unfortunately, I learned about the importance of self-esteem the hard way, by experience.” She took a sip of tea. For a moment she was lost in her own sorrowful reverie, staring out the bay window at the overgrown garden. Then, just as abruptly, she snapped out of her momentary trance. She looked at Jeffrey, without her smile. “I’m convinced it was through low self-esteem that Chris committed suicide. He couldn’t have done what he did if he felt better about himself. I just know it. It wasn’t the fact of the tragedy that pushed him over the edge. It certainly wasn’t guilt. Chris was like you, in that he had nothing to feel guilty about. It was the sudden erosion of confidence, the damage done to how he thought about himself, that made Chris take his life. People have no idea how sensitive even the most accomplished doctors are to the impact of being sued. In fact, the better the doctor the more it hurts. The fact that the suit is baseless has nothing to do with it.”
“You’re so right,” Jeffrey said. “Back when I heard that Chris had killed himself, I was astounded. I knew what kind of man he was, what kind of doctor he was. Now his suicide doesn’t astound me at all. In fact, from where I sit now, I’m surprised more doctors sued for malpractice aren’t drawn to it. In fact, I tried it last night.”
“Tried what?” Kelly asked sharply. She knew what Jeffrey meant but she didn’t want to believe it.
Jeffrey sighed. He couldn’t look at her. “Last night I tried to commit suicide,” he said simply. “I came within an inch of doing the same thing that Chris did. You know, the succiny1choline and morphine trick. I had the
IV running and everything.”
Kelly dropped her cup of tea. She lunged forward and, grabbing Jeffrey by his shoulders, she shook him. The Miove startled him. She caught him completely unaware.
“Don’t you dare do such a thing. Don’t even think about it!”
Kelly was glaring at him, still clutching his shoulders. Finally Jeffrey mumbled that she needn’t worry, since he’d lacked the courage to go through with it.
Kelly shook him again, reacting to his comments.
Jeffrey didn’t know what to do, much less say.
Kelly kept shaking him, her passions inflamed. “Suicide is not courageous,” she said angrily. “It is the opposite. It’s the cowardly thing to do. And it’s selfish. It hurts everyone you leave behind, everyone who loves you.
I want you to promise me that if you ever have thoughts of suicide again, you’ll call me immediately, no matter what time of day or night. Think of your wife. Chris’s suicide filled me with such guilt, you have no idea. I was crushed. I felt that somehow I had failed him. I know that’s not true now, but his death is something I’ll probably never get over completely.”