The Journalist then told Dan how, despite his wounds, he had decided to stow away on board in order to get the great scoop that had always hitherto eluded him in his career as a journalist he’d expose the full story behind the construction of the Starship and, at the same time, give a first hand account of what it was like to be the only passenger on board. (The idea had been to launch the ship on automatic, before flying her to Dormillion, where she was to pick up her first crew and passengers.)
The Journalist then told Dan about how the ship had suffered a SMEF (Spontaneous Massive Existence Failure) shortly after launch and how it had crash-landed on some unknown planet in the unexplored backside of the Galaxy. He finally described how, after the crash, he had heard cries coming from one of the curtains in the First Class Dining Room. He had then discovered Leovinus where he had been left for dead by Scraliontis. The Journalist had freed him and then tried to stop the old man from rushing off the ship – but to no avail. Despite his age, Leovinus had overpowered him (The Journalist had still been losing blood at this stage) and – screaming for revenge, waving, a glowing silver shard in his hand and presumably imagining he was still on Blerontin – the great genius had disappeared into the darkness of an alien world…
‘Captain Bolfass wants to see you.’ Their jailer suddenly cut across the long story. He jangled his keys as he opened the door to the wretched cell, and pulled The Journalist out.
Captain Bolfass had escorted the beautiful Nettie to the Captain’s Bridge. There he had invited her to take a little tea and some cinnamon biscuit, while he made the necessary arrangements to fly the great Starship back to the planet Earth.
‘Without wishing to sound disrespectful,’ he explained to her, ‘it is not a planet with which I am familiar – though, of course, it must be the most delightful world, to be the home of someone as lovely and as charming as yourself.’ He bowed, and Nettie felt the thrill of being treated like the heroine of Northanger Abbey.
‘I am sure you are more than capable of guiding us home,’ she said, lowering her eyes.
‘Ah! My dear lady!’ exclaimed the Captain. ‘It is not I who will guide us but the ship itself. The exact location of the planet Earth will have been recorded in the Starship’s central intelligence core. Although none of us have any idea of where your planet is to be found, all I have to do is to tell Titania – that is what Leovinus named his cybernautic system – and she will locate it and take us there.’
Captain Bolfass pressed a small button on one of the consoles, next to a video game based on a recent Blerontinian film… and that is where the novel suddenly ceased to be one by Jane Austen or even Catherine Cookson.
‘Barthfarthinghasts!’ exclaimed Bolfass. ‘Something’s wrong! I’m getting no response!’
Nettie, who had felt the Earth and home to be very close indeed – a mere button-push away – now saw it suddenly recede into deep space.
‘Captain Bolfass!’ Corporal Buke-Willinujit (the cousin by marriage of Corporal Buke-Hammadorf) had just arrived out of breath and nervous. ‘The central intelligence core! Someone’s removed the vital functions!’
Bolfass turned to Yellin, who was busy with one of the shoot-em-up games. ‘This is the work of that Blerontinian vandal! Bring him up at once!’
By the time The Journalist was thrown at his feet, Bolfass had become quite angry – not as angry as if he had known about the sub-standard materials used for the railing around the Central Well, or if he had known about the scandalous lack of finish in the bilge and rubbish-disposal wastes (where the Unmarried Teenage Mothers had been told not to rub down or even apply any varnish!) – but still pretty angry.
‘What have you done to Titania’s brain?’ he roared.
The Journalist stuck his chin out and said: ‘I can only give you my name, rank and number.’