Toni was the only one with whom Alette would discuss her problems. Toni had a solution for everything, and it was usually: “Let’s go and have some fun!”
Toni’s favorite subject was Ashley Patterson. She was watching Shane Miller talking to Ashley.
“Look at that tight-assed bitch, ” Toni said contemptuously. “She’s the ice queen.”
Alette nodded. “She’s very serious. Someone should teach her how to laugh.”
Toni snorted. “Someone should teach her how to fuck.”
One night a week, Alette would go to the mission for the homeless in San Francisco and help serve dinner. There was one little old woman in particular who looked forward to Alette’s visits. She was in a wheelchair, and Alette would help her to a table and bring her hot food.
The woman said gratefully, “Dear, if I had a daughter, I’d want her to be exactly like you.”
Alette squeezed her hand. “That’s such a great compliment. Thank you.” And her inner voice said, If you had a daughter, she’d look like a pig like you. And Alette was horrified by her thoughts. It was as though someone else inside her was saying those words. It happened constantly.
She was out shopping with Betty Hardy, a woman who was a member of Alette’s church. They stopped in front of a department store. Betty was admiring a dress in the window. “Isn’t that beautiful?”
“Lovely,” Alette said. That’s the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. Perfect for you.
One evening, Alette had dinner with Ronald, a sexton at the church. “I really enjoy being with you, Alette. Let’s do this more often.”
She smiled shyly. “I’d like that.” And she thought, Non faccia, lo stupido. Maybe in another lifetime, creep. And again she was horrified. What’s wrong with me? And she had no answer.
The smallest slights, whether intended or not, drove Alette into a rage. Driving to work one morning, a car cut in front of her. She gritted her teeth and thought, I’ll kill you, you bastard. The man waved apologetically, and Alette smiled sweetly. But the rage was still there.
When the black cloud descended, Alette would imagine people on the street having heart attacks or being struck by automobiles or being mugged and killed. She would play the scenes out in her mind, and they were vividly real. Moments later, she would be filled with shame.
On her good days, Alette was a completely different person. She was genuinely kind and sympathetic and enjoyed helping people. The only thing that spoiled her happiness was the knowledge that the darkness would come down on her again, and she would be lost in it.
Every Sunday morning, Alette went to church. The church had volunteer programs to feed the homeless, to teach after-school art lessons and to tutor students. Alette would lead children’s Sunday school classes and help in the nursery. She volunteered for all of the charitable activities and devoted as much time as she could to them. She particularly enjoyed giving painting classes for the young.
One Sunday, the church had a fair for a fund-raiser, and Alette brought in some of her own paintings for the church to sell. The pastor, Frank Selvaggio, looked at them in amazement.
“These are—These are brilliant! You should be selling them at a gallery.”
Alette blushed. “No, not really. I just do them for fun.”
The fair was crowded. The churchgoers had brought their friends and families, and game booths as well as arts-and-crafts booths had been set up for their enjoyment. There were beautifully decorated cakes, incredible handmade quilts, homemade jams in beautiful jars, carved wooden toys. People were going from booth to booth, sampling the sweets, buying things they would have no use for the next day.
“But it’s in the name of charity,” Alette heard one woman explain to her husband.
Alette looked at the paintings that she had placed around the booth, most of them landscapes in bright, vivid colors that leaped from the canvas. She was filled with misgivings. “You’re wasting good money on paint, child.”
A man came up to the booth. “Hi, there. Did you paint these?”
His voice was a deep blue.
No, stupid. Michelangelo dropped by and painted them.