Finally he’d mumbled an excuse and stumbled out. Halfway along the passage he’d thought he’d heard a comment followed by … well, maybe it was only a chuckle. But it might have been a snigger.
The razor carefully circumnavigated the nose.
Hah. A couple of years ago a man like Willikins would have allowed him into the kitchen only on sufferance. And would have made him take his boots off.
So that’s your life now, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes. A jumped-up copper to the nobs and a nob to the rest, eh?
He frowned at the reflection in the mirror.
He’d started out in the gutter, true enough. And now he was on three meat meals a day, good boots, a warm bed at night and, come to that, a wife too. Good old Sybil- although she did tend to talk about curtains these days, but Sergeant Colon had said this happened to wives and was a biological thing and perfectly normal.
He’d actually been rather attached to his old cheap boots. He could read the street in them, the soles were so thin. It’d got so that he could tell where he was on a pitch-dark night just by the feel of the cobbles. Ah, well . . .
There was something mildly strange about Sam Vimes’s shaving mirror. It was slightly convex, so that it reflected more of the room than a flat mirror would do, and it gave a very good view of the outbuildings and gardens beyond the window.
Hmm. Going thin on top. Definitely a receding scalp there. Less hair to comb but, on the other hand, more face to wash . . . There was a flicker in the glass. He moved sideways and ducked. The mirror smashed.
There was the sound of feet somewhere beyond the broken window, and then a crash and a scream. Vimes straightened up. He fished the largest piece of mirror out of the shaving bowl and propped it up on the black crossbow bolt that had buried itself in the wall. He finished shaving.
Then he rang the bell for the butler. Willikins materialized. ‘Sir?’
Vimes rinsed the razor. ‘Get the boy to nip along to the glazier, will you?’
The butler’s eyes flickered to the window and then to the shattered mirror. ‘Yes, sir. And the bill to go to the Assassins’ Guild again, sir?’
‘With my compliments. And while he’s out he’s to call in at that shop in Five And Seven Yard and get me another shaving mirror. The dwarf there knows the kind I like.’
‘Yes, sir. And I shall fetch a dustpan and brush directly, sir. Shall I inform her ladyship of this eventuality, sir?’
‘No. She always says it’s my fault for encouraging them.’
‘Very good, sir,’ said Willikins.
He dematerialized.
Sam Vimes dried himself off and went downstairs to the morning-room, where he opened the cabinet and took out the new crossbow Sybil had given to him as a wedding present. Sam Vimes was used to the old guard crossbows, which had a nasty habit of firing backwards in a tight corner, but this was a Burleigh and Stronginthearm made-to-measure job with the oiled walnut stock. There was none finer, it was said.
Then he selected a thin cigar and strolled out into the garden.
There was a commotion coming from the dragon house. Vimes entered, and shut the door behind him. He rested the crossbow against the door.
The yammering and squeaking increased. Little gouts of flame puffed above the thick walls of the hatching pens.
Vimes leaned over the nearest one. He picked up a newly hatched dragonette and tickled it under the chin. As it flamed excitedly he lit his cigar and savoured the smoke.
He blew a smoke ring at the figure hanging from the ceiling. ‘Good morning,’ he said.
The figure twisted frantically. By an amazing feat of muscle control it had managed to catch a foot around a beam as it fell, but it couldn’t quite pull itself up. Dropping was not to be thought of. A dozen baby dragons were underneath it, jumping up and down excitedly and flaming.
‘Er . . . good morning,’ said the hanging figure.
Turned out nice again,’ said Vimes, picking up a bucket of coal. ‘Although the fog will be back later, I expect.’
He took a small nugget and tossed it to the dragons. They squabbled for it.
Vimes gripped another lump. The young dragon that had caught the coal already had a distinctly longer and hotter flame.
‘I suppose,’ said the young man, ‘that I could not prevail upon you to let me down?’
Another dragon caught some coal and belched a fireball. The young man swung desperately to avoid it.
‘Guess,’ said Vimes.
‘I suspect, on reflection, that it was foolish of me to choose the roof,’ said the assassin.
‘Probably,’ said Vimes. He’d spent several hours a few weeks ago sawing through joists and carefully balancing the roof tiles.
‘I should have dropped off the wall and used the shrubbery.’
‘Possibly,’ said Vimes. He’d set a bear-trap in the shrubbery.
He took some more coal. ‘I suppose you wouldn’t tell me who hired you?’
Tm afraid not, sir. You know the rules.’
Vimes nodded gravely. ‘We had Lady Selachii’s son up before the Patrician last week,’ said Vimes. ‘Now, there’s a lad who needs to learn that “no” doesn’t mean “yes> please”.’
‘Could be, sir.’
‘And then there was that business with Lord Rust’s boy. You can’t shoot servants for putting your shoes the wrong way round, you know. It’s too messy. He’ll have to learn right from left like the rest of us. And right from wrong, too.’ ‘I hear what you say, sir.’ ‘We seem to have reached an impasse,’ said Vimes.
‘It seems so, sir.’
Vimes aimed a lump at a small bronze and green dragon, which caught it expertly. The heat was getting intense.
‘What I don’t understand,’ he said, ‘is why you fellows mainly try it here or at the office. I mean, I walk around a lot, don’t I? You could shoot me down in the street, couldn’t you?’
‘What? Like some common murderer, sir?’ Vimes nodded. It was black and twisted, but the Assassins’ Guild had honour of a sort. ‘How much was I worth?’
‘Twenty thousand, sir.’ ‘It should be higher,’ said Vimes. ‘I agree.’ If the assassin got back to the guild it would be, Vimes thought. Assassins valued their own lives quite highly.
‘Let me see now,’ said Vimes, examining the end of his cigar. ‘Guild takes fifty per cent. That leaves ten thousand dollars.’
The assassin seemed to consider this, and then reached up to his belt and tossed a bag rather clumsily towards Vimes, who caught it.
Vimes picked up his crossbow. ‘It seems to me,’ he said, ‘that if a man were to be let go he might well make it to the door with no more than superficial burns. If he were fast. How fast are you?’
There was no answer.
‘Of course, he’d have to be desperate,’ said Vimes, wedging the crossbow on the feed table and taking a piece of cord out of his pocket. He lashed the cord to a nail and fastened the other end to the crossbow’s string. Then, standing carefully to one side, he eased the trigger.
The string moved very slightly.
The assassin, watching him upside down, seemed to have stopped breathing.
Vimes puffed at his cigar until the end was an inferno. Then he took it out of his mouth and leaned it against the restraining cord so that it would have just a fraction of an inch to burn before the string began to smoulder.
‘Ill leave the door unlocked,’ he said. ‘I’ve never been an unreasonable man. I shall watch your career with interest.’
He tossed the rest of the coals to the dragons, and stepped outside.
It looked like being another eventful day in Ankh-Morpork, and it had only just begun.
As Vimes reached the house he heard a whoosh, a click, and the sound of someone running very fast towards the ornamental lake. He smiled.
Willikins was waiting with his coat. ‘Remember you have an appointment with his lordship at eleven, Sir Samuel.’
‘Yes, yes,’ said Vimes.
‘And you are to go and see the Heralds at ten. Her ladyship was very explicit, sir. Her exact words were, “Tell him he’s not to try to wriggle out of it again,” sir.’
‘Oh, very well.’
‘And her ladyship said please to try not to upset anyone.’
‘Tell her I’ll try.’
‘And your sedan chair is outside, sir.’
Vimes sighed. ‘Thank you. There’s a man in the ornamental lake. Fish him out and give him a cup of tea, will you? Promising lad, I thought.’
‘Certainly, sir.’
The chair. Oh, yes, the chair. It had been a wedding present from the Patrician. Lord Vetinari knew that Vimes loved walking the streets of the city, and so it was very typical of the man that he presented him with something that did not allow him to do so.