The whole larder, sir.’
Ts that a fact? We might be wrong there. I don’t understand how, but we might be wrong. There’s some evidence lying in the cemetery that suggests we are.’ Vimes was nearly growling. ‘What else is there? Littlebottom says there’s no marks on him. What else is there? Let’s find out the how and with any luck that’ll give us the who.’
‘He breathes the air more than anyone else, si’
‘But we moved him into another bedroom! Even if someone was, I don’t know, pumping poison in . . . they couldn’t change rooms with us all watching. It’s got to be the food!’
‘I’ve watched them taste it, sir.’
Then it’s something we’re not seeing, damn it! People are dead, Captain! Mrs Easy’s deadl’
‘Who, sir?’
‘You’ve never heard of her?’
‘Can’t say that I have, sir. What did she use to do?’
‘Do? Nothing, I suppose. She just brought up nine kids in a couple of rooms you couldn’t stretch out in and she sewed shirts for tuppence an hour, every hour the bloody gods sent, and all she did was work and keep herself to herself and she is dead, Captain. And so’s her grandson. Aged fourteen months. Because her granddaughter took them some grub from the palace! A bit of a treat for them! And d’you know what? Mildred thought I was going to arrest her for theft! At the damn funeral, for gods’ sake!’ Vimes’s fists opened and closed, his knuckles showing white. ‘It’s murder now. Not assassination, not politics, it’s murder. Because we’re not asking the right damn questions!’
The door opened.
‘Oh, good afternoon, squire,’ said Sergeant Colon brightly, touching his helmet. ‘Sorry to bother you. I expect it’s your busy time, but I’ve got to ask, just to eliminate you from our enquiries, so to speak. Do you use any arsenic around the place?’
‘Er . . . don’t leave the officer standing there, Fanley,’ said a nervous voice, and the workman stepped aside. ‘Good afternoon, officer. How may we help you?’
‘Checking up on arsenic, sir. Seems some’s been getting where it shouldn’t.’
‘Er . . . good heavens. Really. I’m sure we don’t use any, but do come inside while I check with the foremen. I’m certain there’s a pot of tea hot, too.’
Colon looked behind him. The mist was rising. The sky was going grey. ‘Wouldn’t say no, sir!’ he said.
The door closed behind him.
A moment later, there was the faint scrape of the bolts.
‘Right,’ said Vimes. ‘Let’s start again.’ He picked up an imaginary ladle.
‘I’m the cook. I’ve made this nourishing gruel that tastes like dog’s water. I’m filling up three bowls. Everyone’s watching me. All the bowls have been well washed, right? Okay. The tasters take two, one to taste, and these days the other’s for Littlebottom to check, and then a servant – that’s you, Carrot – takes the third one and . . .’
‘Puts it in the dumbwaiter, sir. There’s one up to every room.’
‘I thought they carried them up?’
‘Six floors? It’d get stone-cold, sir.’
‘All right . . . hold on. We’ve gone too far. You’ve got the bowl. D’you put it on a tray?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Put it on a tray, then.’
Carrot obediently put the invisible bowl on an invisible tray.
‘Anything else?’ said Vimes.
‘Piece of bread, sir. And we check the loaf.’
‘Soup spoon?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Well, don’t just stand there. Put them on . . .’
Carrot detached one hand from the invisible tray to take an invisible piece of bread and an intangible spoon.
‘Anything else?’ said Vimes. ‘Salt and pepper?’
‘I think I remember salt and pepper pots, sir.’
‘On they go, then.’
Vimes stared hawk-like at the space between Carrot’s hands.
‘No,’ he said. ‘We wouldn’t have missed that, would we? I mean . . . we wouldn’t, would we?’
He reached out and picked up an invisible tube.
‘Tell me we checked the salt,’ he said.
‘That’s the pepper, sir,’ said Carrot helpfully.
‘Salt! Mustard! Vinegar! Pepper!’ said Vimes. ‘We didn’t check all the food and then let his lordship tip poison on to suit his taste, did we? Arsenic’s a metal. Can’t you get … metal salts? Tell me we asked ourselves that. We aren’t that stupid, are we?’
Ill check directly,’ said Carrot. He looked around desperately. Ill just put the tray down’
‘Not yet,’ said Vimes. Ive been here before. We don’t rush off shouting “Give me a towel!” just because we’ve had one idea. Let’s keep looking, shall we? The spoon. What’s it made of?’
‘Good point. I’ll check the cutlery, sir.’
‘Now we’re cooking with charcoal! What’s he been drinking?’
‘Boiled water, sir. We’ve tested the water. And I checked the glasses.’
‘Good. So… we’ve got the tray and you put the tray in the dumbwaiter and then what?’
‘The men in the kitchen haul on the ropes and it goes up to the sixth floor.’
‘No stops?’
Carrot looked blank.
‘It goes up six floors,’ said Vimes. ‘It’s just a shaft with a big box in it that can be pulled up and down, isn’t it? I’ll bet there’s a door into it on every floor.’
‘Some of the floors are hardly used these days, sir’
‘Even better for our poisoner, hmm? He just stands there, bold as you like, and waits for the tray to come by, right? We don’t know that the meal which arrives is the one that left, do we?’
‘Brilliant, sir!’
‘It happens at night, I’ll swear,’ said Vimes. ‘He’s chipper in the evenings and out like a light next morning. What time is his supper sent up?’
‘While he’s poorly, around six o’clock, sir,’ said Carrot. ‘It’s got dark by then. Then he gets on with his writing.’
‘Right. We’ve got a lot to do. Come on.’
The Patrician was sitting up in bed reading when Vimes entered. ‘Ah, Vimes,’ he said.
‘Your supper will be up shortly, my lord,’ said Vimes. ‘And can I once again say that our job would be a lot easier if you let us move you out of the palace?’
‘I’m sure it would be,’ said Lord Vetinari.
There was a rattle from the dumbwaiter. Vimes walked across and opened the doors.
There was a dwarf in the box. He had a knife between his teeth and an axe in each hand, and was glowering with ferocious concentration.
‘Good heavens,’ said Vetinari weakly. ‘I hope at least they’ve included some mustard.’
‘Any problems, Constable?’ said Vimes.
‘Nofe, fir,’ said the dwarf, unfolding himself and removing the knife. ‘Very dull all the way up, sir. There was other doors and they all looked pretty unused, but I nailed ’em up anyway like Captain Carrot said, sir.’
‘Well done. Down you go.’
Vimes shut the doors. There was more rattling as the dwarf began his descent.
‘Every detail covered, eh, Vimes?’
‘I hope so, sir.’
The box came back up again, with a tray in it. Vimes took it out.
‘What’s this?’
‘A Klatchian Hots without anchovies,’ said Vimes, lifting the cover. ‘We got it from Ron’s Pizza Hovel round the corner. The way I see it, no one can poison all the food in the city. And the cutlery’s from my place.’
‘You have the mind of a true policeman, Vimes.’
‘Thank you, sir.’
‘Really? Was it a compliment?’ The Patrician prodded at the plate with the air of an explorer in a strange country.
‘Has someone already eaten this, Vimes?’
‘No, sir. That’s just how they chop up the food.’
‘Oh, I see. I thought perhaps the food-tasters were getting over-enthusiastic,’ said the Patrician. ‘My word. What a treat I have to look forward to.’
‘I can see you’re feeling better, sir,’ said Vimes stiffly.
‘Thank you, Vimes.’
When Vimes had gone Lord Vetinari ate the pizza, or at least those parts of it he thought he could recognize. Then he put the tray aside and blew out the candle by his bed. He sat in the dark for a while, then felt under his pillow until his finger located a small sharp knife and a box of matches.
Thank goodness for Vimes. There was something endearing about his desperate, burning and above all misplaced competence. If the poor man took any longer he’d have to start giving him hints.
In the main office Carrot sat alone, watching Dorfl.
The golem stood where it had been left. Someone had hung a dishcloth on one arm. The top of its head was still open.
Carrot spent a while with his chin on one hand, just staring. Then he opened a desk drawer and took out Dorfl’s chem. He examined it. He got up. He walked over to the golem. He placed the words in the head.
An orange glow rose in Dorfl’s eyes. What was baked pottery took on that faintest of auras that marked the change between the living and the dead.