The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents – Terry Pratchett

‘Yes,’ said Darktan, giving Maurice a much more knowing look. ‘Depend on him to do what, though?’

‘Oh,’ said Maurice. ‘Er. Good. I’ve found you all, then.’

‘Yes,’ said Darktan, in what Maurice thought was a nasty tone of voice. ‘Amazing, isn’t it. I expect you’ve been looking for a long time, too. I saw you rush off to look for us.’

‘Can you help us?’ said Dangerous Beans. ‘We need a plan.’

‘Ah, right,’ said Maurice. ‘I suggest we go upwards at every opportun—’

‘To rescue Hamnpork,’said Darktan. ‘We don’t leave our people behind.’

‘ We don’t?’ said Maurice.

‘We don’t,’ said Darktan.

‘And then there’s the kid,’ said Peaches. ‘Sardines says he’s tied up with the female kid in one of the cellars.’

‘Oh, well, you know, humans,’ said Maurice, wrinkling his face. ‘Humans and humans, you know, it’s a human kind of thing, I don’t think we should meddle, could be misunderstood, I know about humans, they’ll sort it out’

‘I don’t care a ferret’s shrlt for humans!’ snapped Darktan. ‘But those rat-catchers took Hamnpork off in a sack! You saw that room, cat! You saw the rats crammed in cages! It’s the rat-catchers who are stealing the food! Sardines says there’s sacks and sacks of food! And there’s something else…’

‘A voice,’ said Maurice, before he could stop himself.

Darktan looked up, wild-eyed. ‘You heard it?’ he said. ‘I thought it was just us!’

‘The rat-catchers can hear it too,’ said Maurice. ‘Only they think it’s their own thoughts.’

‘It frightened the others,’ mumbled Dangerous Beans. ‘They just… stopped thinking…’ He looked absolutely dejected. Open beside him, grubby with dirt and paw marks, was Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure. ‘Even Toxie ran off,’ he went on. ‘And he knows how to write! How can that happen?’

‘It seemed to affect some of us more than others,’ said Darktan, in a more matter-of-fact voice. ‘I’ve sent some of the more sensible ones out to try and round up the rest, but it’s going to be a long job. They were just running blindly. We’ve got to get Hamnpork. He’s the leader. We’re rats, after all. A clan. Rats will follow the leader.’

‘But he’s a bit old, and you’re the tough one, and he’s not exactly the brains of the outfit ‘ Maurice began.

‘They took him away!’ said Darktan. ‘They’re ratcatchers! He’s one of us! Are you going to help or not?’

Maurice thought he heard a scrabbling noise at the other end of his pipe. He couldn’t turn around to check, and he suddenly felt very exposed. ‘Yeah, help you, yeah, yeah,’ he said hurriedly.

‘Ahem. Do you really mean that, Maurice?’ said Peaches.

‘Yeah, yeah, right,’ said Maurice. He crawled out of the pipe and looked back along it. There was no sign of any rats.

‘Sardines is following the rat-catchers,’ said Darktan,’so we’ll find out where they’re taking him ‘

‘I’ve got a bad feeling that I already know,’ said Maurice.

‘How?’ snapped Peaches.

‘I’m a cat, right?’ said Maurice. ‘Cats hang around places. We see things. A lot of places don’t mind cats wandering, right, because we keep down the vermi—we keep the, er—’

‘All right, all right, we know you don’t eat anyone who can talk, you keep telling us,’ said Peaches. ‘Get on with it!’

‘I was in a place once, it was a barn, I was up in the hayloft, where you can always find a, er—’

Peaches rolled her eyes. ‘Yes, yes, go on!’

‘Well, anyway, all these men came in and I couldn’t get away because they had lots of dogs and they shut the barn doors and, er, they put up this kind of, kind of big round wooden wall in the middle of the floor, and there were some men with boxes of rats and they tipped rats into the ring and then, and then they put some dogs in, too. Terriers,’ he added, trying to avoid their expressions.

‘The rats fought the dogs?’ said Darktan.

‘Well, I suppose they could have done,’ said Maurice. ‘They mostly ran around and around. It’s called rat-coursing. The rat-catchers bring the rats along, of course. Alive.’

‘Rat-coursing…’ said Darktan. ‘How is it we’ve never heard of this?’

Maurice blinked at him. For clever creatures, the rats could be amazingly stupid at times. ‘Why would you hear about it?’ he said.

‘Surely one of the rats who—?’

‘You don’t seem to understand,’ said Maurice. ‘The rats that go into the pit don’t come out. At least, not breathing.’

There was silence.

‘Can’t they jump out?’ asked Peaches in a little voice.

‘Too high,’ said Maurice.

‘Why don’t they fight the dogs?’ said Darktan.

Really, really stupid, Maurice thought.

‘Because they’re rats, Darktan,’ said Maurice. ‘Lots of rats. All stinking of one another’s fear and panic. You know how it happens.’

‘I bit a dog on the nose once!’ said Darktan.

‘Right, right,’ said Maurice soothingly. ‘One rat can think and be brave, right. But a bunch of rats is a mob. A bunch of rats is just a big animal with lots of legs and no brain.’

‘That’s not true!’ said Peaches. ‘Together we are strong!’

‘Exactly how high?’ said Darktan, who was staring at the candlelight as if seeing pictures in it.

‘What?’ asked Peaches and Maurice together.

‘The wall… how high, exactly?’

‘Huh? I don’t know! High! Humans were leaning their elbows on it! Does it matter? It’s far too high for a rat to jump, I know that.’

‘Everything we’ve done we’ve done because we’ve stuck together—’ Peaches began.

‘We’ll rescue Hamnpork together, then,’ said Darktan. ‘We’ll—’ He spun around at the sound of a rat coming along the pipe, and then wrinkled his nose. ‘It’s Sardines,’ he said. ‘And… let’s see, smells female, young, nervous… Nourishing?’

The youngest member of the Trap Disposal Squad was trailing after Sardines. She was wet and dejected.

‘You look like a drowned rat, miss,’ said Darktan.

‘Fell in a broken drain, sir,’ said Nourishing.

‘Good to see you, anyway. What’s happening, Sardines?’

The dancing rat did a few nervous steps. ‘I’ve been climbing up more drainpipes and along more washing lines than is good for me,’ he said. ‘And don’t ask me about krrkk cats, boss, I’d like to see every last one of ’em dead—savin’ yer honour’s presence, o’course,’ Sardines added, eyeing Maurice nervously.

‘And?’ said Peaches.

‘They’ve gone to some kind of stables right on the edge of the town,’ said Sardines. ‘Smells bad. Lots of dogs around. Men, too.’

‘Rat pit,’ said Maurice. ‘I told you. They’ve been breeding rats for the rat pit!’

‘Right,’ said Darktan. ‘We’re going to get Hamnpork out of there. Sardines, you will show me the way. We’ll try to pick up others as we go. The rest of you should try to find the kid.’

‘Why are you giving orders?’ said Peaches.

‘Because someone has to,’ said Darktan. ‘Hamnpork might be a bit scabby and set in his ways but he’s the leader and everyone smells that and we need him. Any questions? Right—’

‘Can I come, sir?’ said Nourishing.

‘She’s helping me carry my string, boss,’ Sardines explained. Both he and the younger rat were carrying bundles of it.

‘You need all of that?’ said Darktan.

‘You should never say no to a piece of string, boss,’ said Sardines earnestly. ‘It’s amazing, some of the stuff I’ve been finding—’

‘All right, so long as she’s useful for something,’ said Darktan. ‘She’d better be able to keep up. Let’s go!’

And then there was just Dangerous Beans, Peaches, and Maurice.

Dangerous Beans sighed. ‘One rat can be brave, but a bunch of rats is just a mob?’ he said. ‘Are you right, Maurice?’

‘No, I was… look, there was something back there,’ said Maurice. ‘It’s in a cellar. I don’t know what it is. It’s the voice that gets into people’s heads!’

‘Not everyone,’ said Peaches. ‘It didn’t frighten you, did it? Or us. Or Darktan. It made Hamnpork very angry.

Why?’

Maurice blinked. He could hear the voice in his head again. It was very faint, and it certainly wasn’t his own thoughts, and it said I will find a way in, CAT!

‘Did you hear that?’ he said.

‘I didn’t hear anything,’ said Peaches.

Perhaps you have to be close, Maurice thought. Perhaps, if you’ve been close, it knows where your head lives.

He’d never seen a rat so miserable as Dangerous Beans. The little rat was huddled by the candle, staring unseeing at Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure.

‘I hoped it would be better than this,’ said Dangerous Beans. ‘But it turns out we’re just… rats. As soon as there’s trouble, we’re just… rats.’

It was very unusual for Maurice to feel sympathetic to anyone who wasn’t Maurice. In a cat, that is a major character flaw. I must be ill, he thought. ‘If it’s any help, I’m just a cat,’ he said.

‘Oh, but you are not. You are kind and, deep down, I sense that you have a generous nature,’ said Dangerous Beans.

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