worktable. It was Cathy. Thomas liked Cathy. She was older than Julie
but not as old as somebody’s mother. She was pretty. Not as pretty as
Julie but pretty, with a nice voice and eyes you weren’t afraid to look
into. She took one of Thomas’s hands in both of hers, and she asked if
he was okay. He said he was, but he really wasn’t, and she knew it.
They talked a while. That helped. Being Sociable.
She told him about Mary, so he’d understand, and that helped too.
“She’s so frustrated, Thomas. She was out their in the world for a
while, at a halfway house, and she even had a part-time job, making a
little money of her own. She was trying so hard, but it didn’t work,
she had too many problems so she had to be institutionalized again. I
think she regrets what she did to Derek. She’s just so disappointed
that she needed to feel superior to someone.”
“I am… It was… It was out there in the world once,” Thomas said.
“I know you were, honey.”
“With my dad. Then with my sister. And Bobby.”
“Did you like it out there?”
“Some of it… scared me. But when I was with Julie and Bobby… I
liked that part.”.
On his bed, Derek was snoring now.
The afternoon was half gone. The sky was getting ugly stormy. The room
had shadows everywhere. Only the desk lamp was on. Cathy’s face looked
pretty in the lampglow. Her skin was like peach-colored satin. He knew
what satin was like. Julie once had a dress of satin.
For a while he and Cathy were quiet.
Then he said, “Sometimes it’s hard.”
She put her hand on his head. Smoothed his hair.
“Yeah, I know, Thomas. I know.” She was so nice. He didn’t know why
he started to cry when she was so nice, but he did. Maybe it was
because she was so nice.
Cathy scooted her chair closer to his. He leaned against her. She put
her arms around him. He cried and cried. Not hard terrible crying like
Derek. Soft. But he couldn’t stop. He tried not to cry because crying
made him feel dumb, and he hated feeling dumb.
Through his tears, he said, “I hate feeling dumb.”
“You’re not dumb, honey.”
“Yeah, I am. Hate it. But I can’t be nothing else. I try not to think
about being dumb, but you can’t not think about it when it’s what you
are, and when other people aren’t, and they go out in the world every
day and they live, but you don’t go out in the world and don’t even want
to but, oh, you want to, even when you say you don’t.” That was a lot
for him to say, and he was surprised that he had said it all, surprised
but also frustrated because he wanted so bad to tell her how it felt,
being dumb, being afraid of going out in the world, and he’d failed,
hadn’t been able to find the right words, so the feeling was still all
bottled up in him.
“Time. There’s lots of time, see, when you’re dumb and can’t go out in
the world, lots of time to fill up, but then there really ain’t enough
time, not enough for learning how to be not afraid of things, and I’ve
got to learn how not to be afraid so I can go back and be with Julie a
Bobby, which I want to do real bad, before all the time runs out.
There’s too big amounts of time and not enough, and that sounds dumb,
don’t it?”
“No, Thomas. It doesn’t sound dumb.”
He didn’t move out of her arms. He wanted to be hugged.
Cathy said, “You know, sometimes life is hard for everyone Even for
smart people. Even for the smartest of them all.”
With one hand he wiped at his damp eyes.
“It is? Sometimes is it hard for you?”
“Sometimes. But I believe there’s a God, Thomas, and that he put us
here for a reason, and that every hardship we have to face is a test,
and that we’re better for enduring them.”