“Just go?”
“Just go.”
She looked long and hard at him: he was washed out, poor love. Too much of that wretched old fart in Oxford. How she hated Whitehead, though she’d never met him.
“Yes, of course I’d go,” she replied.
He nodded. She thought he might cry.
“When?” she said.
“I don’t know.” He tried to smile, but it looked misbegotten. “Perhaps it won’t even be necessary. But I think it’s all going to come down, and when it does I don’t want us to be there.”
“You make it sound like the end of the world.”
He didn’t reply. She didn’t feel able to chisel at him for answers: he was too delicate.
“Just one question?” she ventured. “It’s important to me.” one.
“Did you do something, Billy? I mean, something illegal? Is that what it is?
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed his grief. There was so much more she had to teach him yet; about allowing those feelings out. He wanted to: she could see so much bubbling away behind his eyes. But there, for now, it would stay. She knew better than to press him. He’d only withdraw. And he needed her undemanding presence more than she needed answers.
“It’s all right,” she said, “there’s no need to tell me if you don’t want to.
His hand was gripping hers so tightly she thought they’d never unknot them.
“Oh, Billy. Nothing’s that terrible,” she murmured.
Again, he made no reply.
22
The old haunts were much the same as Marty had remembered them, but he felt like a ghost there. Along the rubbish-strewn back alleys where he’d fought and run as a boy there were new combatants, and, he suspected, far more serious games. They were glue sniffers, these grubby ten-year-olds, according to the pages of the Sunday tabloids. They would grow up, disenfranchised, into needle freaks and pill pushers; they cared for nothing and nobody, least of all themselves.
He’d been an adolescent criminal, of course. Theft was a rite of passage here. But it had usually been that lazy, almost passive form of thieving: sidling up to something and walking, or driving, away with it. If the theft looked too problematic, forget it. Plenty of other shiny things to be fingered. It wasn’t crime in the way he’d come to understand the word later. It was the magpie instinct at work, taking whatever opportunity offered, never intending much harm by it, or working up a sweat if things didn’t quite fall your way.
But these kids-there was a group of them lounging on the corner of Knox Street-they looked like a more lethal breed altogether. Though they’d grown up in the same lusterless environment, he and they, with its few wretched attempts at tree planting, its barbed wire and glass-topped walls, its relentless concrete-though they shared all that, he knew they’d have nothing to say to one another. Their desperation and their lassitude intimidated him: he felt nothing was beyond them. Not a place to grow up in, this street, or any of them, along the row. In a way he was glad his mother had died before the worst of the changes disfigured the neighborhood.
He got to Number Twenty-six. It had been repainted. On one of her visits Charmaine had told him Terry, one of her brothers-in-law, had done it for her a couple of years back, but Marty had forgotten, and the change of color, after so many years of imagining it green and white, was a slap in the face. It was a bad job, purely cosmetic, and the paint on the windowsills was lifting and peeling already. Through the window the lace curtains that he’d always loathed so much had been replaced with a blind, which was down. On the window ledge inside a collection of porcelain figures, wedding presents, gathered dust, trapped in the forsaken space between blind and glass.
He still had his keys, but he couldn’t bring himself to use them. Besides, she’d probably changed the lock. Instead, he pressed the bell. It didn’t ring in the house, and he knew it was audible from the street, so it clearly no longer worked. He rapped his knuckles on the door.