“Of course not! Federico is a gentleman! And why should he do such a thing?” “You should know. It was your father who warned Johannes of what he might expect.”
“My father does not know Federico! He has never even met him!” “Well, we shall see.” Miss Nesselrode pushed her mail to one side, folding her hands before her. “Where is Don Federico now? Do you have any idea?” How should she know? He had not said when he would call.
“How could Johannes leave like that? He did not even say good-bye!”
“He left very quickly. And if you quarreled-“
“It was not really a quarrel! He did seem upset when I told him Federico had been calling, but I did not think it mattered that much.” “He felt betrayed. I know he did. It is very hard, Meghan, but you must decide where your loyalties lie. Hannes knows Federico tried to have him killed. Not once, but several times. When Don Isidro was leaving him in the desert, Don Federico wanted to kill Johannes and then leave him.” “I do not believe that. He was only a small boy then. He cannot remember.” “He does remember. Also, where is Don Federico now? I believe he has gone into the desert to make sure of his trap.”
Meghan stood up. “That’s a hateful thing to say! I don’t believe it!”
“Your father did. He warned Johannes.”
“I must find him.”
“Meghan, no one could find him. Perhaps Mr. Kelso, who works for me. He will be trailing those stolen horses and riding very fast. It will be in wild, wild country.”
“I didn’t think he’d go off like that. I thought I’d be seeing him again. I-“ “Meghan, you must try to understand. From his earliest memory Johannes has known his life was in danger, that his own grandfather wanted him dead. He saw his father killed, and he himself was carried off and left to die. Whether you believe it or riot, he is sure Don Federico was one of those who abandoned him. “He seems relatively untouched by all this, but that isn’t the case. He has no waking moment when he can feel safe, and he has become exceptionally wary as a result. I am sure he is, or was, in love with you, but suddenly he discovered that even that haven was no longer secure, and he discovered that you, whom he loved, were welcoming an enemy.
“Now he has gone into the desert, and if you have learned anything about him at all, you must know he has an affinity for the desert and it for him.” “He has talked of it.”
“The first happiness his parents knew together was in the desert. Even in flight they found a peace there, and a quiet. Johannes has experienced the desert himself. He has lived with Indians, and where others might feel lost and terribly alone, he feels at home.”
“What are you saying?”
Miss Nesselrode rested her hands on the desk. “What I am saying is that even if he survives, he may never come back.”
“What? You mean he might stay out there?”
“That is exactly what I mean. Human relationships are often fragile, they need to be nurtured until they can put down roots, and Johannes is one of the most complete human beings I have known. He has understanding, compassion, and strength. He possesses an inner tranquillity and poise such as no one I have ever known, with the exception of a Buddhist monk I met in crossing Mongolia as a girl. What you must understand is that Johannes does not need anyone.” “Then what chance would there be for me?”
“I said he did not need anyone. I did not say that he did not want someone. He told me once that happiness was born a twin, that it must be shared. He had the example of his mother and father, who found happiness in each other no matter whatever else they discovered.
“You and Johannes were just finding each other. Each of you, I think, was reaching out. Johannes, I think, with less confidence than you. You are a beautiful girl. People come to you. Your finding of people has been natural, easy, without strain. You have never had to work at it. “Johannes has lived in many towns. He has met people, but before liking or understanding developed, he had to move away. Close relationships are strange to him. He has no foundation of security on which to build. The result is that through sheer loneliness he has had to become more secure within himself. He has learned to live alone, to be alone.”
“You have known him a long time?”
“Longer than anyone here. Only Mr. Kelso and Jacob Finney have known him as long, and they did not live in the wagon with him as I did.” Meghan was quiet, and Miss Nesselrode gathered her papers together and began checking her correspondence, some of which had come by sea and some overland from the States. “I guess I do not know him at all,” Meghan said at last. “I thought—“ “That he was like the others? He is not. He is vastly more complicated and much more simple. He has read more than anyone I know, but what is more important, he thinks.
“He thinks about what he has read, about what he has seen, and about what he has learned.”
For a time they sat silent, Miss Nesselrode working over her correspondence, checking notes on future business dealings and projected plans. She missed Jacob Finney. Kelso was good but not as astute. He carried out her orders to perfection, but he was less aware of the nuances of business and less aware of indications of weakness or strength on the part of those with whom she dealt. “I do not know him either.” She spoke suddenly. “I think Elena is the wisest of us; she does not pretend to understand him, nor wish to. She simply loves him. First, she loved him because he was Consuelo’s son; now she loves him for himself. She would die for him. I know that, for she has risked much, risked all, in fact.”
“I must find him!”
“It is impossible. I do not know where he has gone, nor does anyone else. He is following a trail left by thieves, wherever it takes him. “He lost his great black horse, too. The one he has been hoping to ride. When the thieves stole the other horses, the stallion escaped. It has run away into the hills, nobody knows where.”
“Why did he have to go? Why did he not at least tell me!” Now there were people on the streets. Horsemen were riding by, a wagon or two, and a carreta.
“He is the son I never had,” Miss Nesselrode said suddenly. “I scarcely knew his father, but there was an affinity between us, an understanding, if you will. And with Johannes also.”
“His father was very ill?”
“He was dying, and he knew it. He was desperately worried about Johannes, so much so that he risked his life to find a home for him. I believe he would cheerfully have died if he could have been sure Johannes was cared for. He need not have worried, for the Indians accepted him as one of their own.” “I wish he had not gone.”
Wind stirred dust in the street, and a man walked down to the door and stood there, not looking in. It was Alexis Murchison. For a moment he looked around; then, turning quickly, he lifted the latch and stepped in. A quick glance to where Meghan sat brought an irritated frown to his face.
“Ma’am? May we speak alone for a moment?”
“Whatever you have to say, sir, you can say here. I can think of no reason why we should be alone.”
“I am from Russia!”
“Of course. And so?”
“We wish you to come home. We want you to come back to Russia. To your mother country.”
“Russia is no longer my home. And the czar sent me to Siberia.”
“That is all forgotten. You are wanted at home.”
“No doubt. What would it be this time? Siberia again?”
“Please! I can arrange transportation. You would see your family again.” “I have no family. They died in Siberia. This is my home, and here I shall stay.”
“Please, I have been sent to see that you return. I am not alone in this. Your country wishes you back.”
“You are wasting your time.”
Murchison was silent, glancing at Meghan; then he said quietly, “My advice would be to come now and come willingly. We will give you a few days to settle your business here, whatever it amounts to, and then you must go. Do not make us go to your government.”
She smiled. “Mr. Murchison, you amuse me. By all means, go to my government. Go to any official you wish. I suggest it. In fact, I entreat you, please go to them. Tell them what you wish.